Please help me find peace

[lampshady]

DP left two weeks before Christmas. Very sudden and unexpected. He collected his things a couple of days afterwards and no contact since.

He's gone back to where his family are, which is the other end of the country. We've had a stressful few months but also really good times.

I have a six year old son and ex isn't his father but has been in his life since DS was 3. I haven't told DS yet and just said ex is visiting family for Christmas.

Definitely no OW. Ex said he felt lost and didn't know who he was anymore. This has completely come out of the blue. No major arguments but bickering. We had sex the day before he left.

I have mental health problems that were worse in the past few months, and ex was really unhappy in his job. To me this is just life, good bits and bad bits. We'd done all the Christmas shopping for DS and ex had bought my gift.

I'm so blind sided and confused and fucking gutted. We looked at rings online and although I knew the proposal wasn't imminent, we had plans for the future. We were saving to buy a house and his parents had given him money towards a deposit.

I have no idea what to do and how to get over this. Time, unfortunately. I know he's handing his notice in at his job and has no other ties to where I live, so I'll never see him again. He said it wasn't planned. We were meant to go away for NY and it was booked and paid for.

I feel like the worst human ever that I made him feel so awful that this was his only option.

What do I do? How the fuck do I get over this? He was wonderful. Not so much at the end.

I don't think it's belittling at all. You posted and others, myself included are giving their opinions. Always may be spot on with what she says or she may be wrong. You don't actually know yourself yet why he has left. So if you are not happy reading the replies that don't agree with you then just disregard them. I wouldn't be so sure though. Sorry.

But why not give opinions based on what you have read? Or bring it up once then move on?

My opinions are based upon what I have read. You have implied that he couldn't take your issues anymore and has left but there is always the possibility that someone else has made him see things differently too.

The impression I got was that Always was confused because I said ex hadn't cheated. Kind of belittling when I'm the one in the situation.

Yes, thats the impression I got as well. That she was belittling your reply and insistence there was no OW involved. It was an uncalled for and sarcastic.

Anyway OPyou only seem to want to hear posts that concur with your thoughts exactly. So good luck and hope you find peace .

My ex left me in very similar circumstances. There was no OW and it's ridiculous and offensive to men to suggest there's always another woman involved. Sometimes they can just leave a relationship because they want to.
In my situation he was very dissatisfied with his job, felt stuck in a rut and wanted to upsticks and have a fresh start so just walked out on everything and moved in with family 200 miles away. It was sort of an early midlife crisis (we were both 31)
What hurt the most was that if I'd known how he was feeling we could have talked about it and worked through it but he gave no opportunity to do that. I'd just been getting on with (our admittedly rather unexciting) life and assuming things were OK. He was secretly terrified that if he stayed he would be facing a lifetime of mundane.
A few years on and he's still trying to find himself while living with his grandma. I've very much moved on and am married and pregnant. You're right, it just takes time. Everyday hurts a bit less until you realise that actually you're OK and then eventually better off.

Tillii, are you reading the same thread? I've listened to everything but just said he hasn't cheated. I'm not asking for platitudes, I want realism and tough love if necessary, but there is absolutely no point hammering me with the possibility he has created when he hasn't.

Thank you oyster, that sounds eerily familiar. My ex wasn't the type to talk so a lot of issues came out when he was drunk and I didn't think it was a good idea to talk about them then in case it became heated. It wasn't that I didn't want things to change, but alcohol is never good to throw into the mix when touchy subjects are raised.

My ex has never managed a relationship longer than two years, used to drink a lot and move frequently. However, he has a very good job and an incredible work ethic so isn't flakey, and everyone said how content he seemed and happy.

I think my expectations of people's thresholds are too high. I'm not realistic. I'd love more than anything to give it another shot but I know he won't.

Yep same thread. I have said he COULD have cheated or like you implied, he couldn't take your illness anymore. Who knows. I just don't think you can rule it out completely, the possibility of there being someone else. That is tough love right there isn't it. He may have cheated or had his head turned. Sorry that the idea offends you so much that you cannot even consider it.

Ok Tillii, so now you've said it again can you give it a miss now?

You've got your point across and there really is no need to be banging on and on and on and upsetting someone even more than they already are.

I think MN has a large 'must be an OW' brigade. It's because it's an easy to understand, ready made, 'not my fault in any way' excuse for the breakdown of a relationship. It deflects anger away from the man and the relationship and focusses it on an 'outside unknown', the OW.

To acknowledge, as you have, that cheating isn't involved means that one has to look 'inside' as well as 'outside' the relationship. Now, I'm not saying you're at fault, far from it. It was his decision to leave and not try to save the relationship. But many people look at that as a 'failure', that they weren't 'good enough' for the partner to want to stay. But everyone has the right to decide they want to leave a relationship and it doesn't mean that the other person is at fault. It also doesn't matter what the other person thinks about why their partner left. That's why I say 'it is what it is'. You just have to move ahead and realize that their reason is theirs and isn't always a reflection on you and that your 'job' is to move ahead.

And that's what you're doing. So ignore them.

SanI did leave the thread and hoped op found the peace she was looking for as she had put in her thread title but now accused of platitudes . Very sorry to have caused offence and do hope op finds what she needs to move on.

I wish posters wouldn't keep insisting that it must be another woman. It may or may not be the case with this situation, but actually some relationships do end without another person being involved. Two of our very good friends have just split up and are getting divorced. Adultery or romantic feelings for anyone else are not involved.