should I tell LC/NC toxic family about pregency?

[Fuzzywuzzywasabear]

Firstly a bit of background.......my mum hasn't spoken to me for over 2 years since the day after our wedding when my mother had a complete melt down in the car park of our venue because I am such a horrible selfish ungreatful bitch. (Her exact words to my bridesmaids/ new husband!)

Grandmother never wanting to be less than center of attention also refuses to speak to me and my brother told me I am a horrible c**t because I wouldn't buy him an expensive christmas present then went on to add that he was standing up to me for how I treated my mum/ grandmother.

I still see my brother at family occasions on my dads side (divorced parents) and always try to speak to him and his gf. It's important to my dad and aunt who always try and patch things up.

So basically GM is a narcissist, DM has become her mother even though I know she hates when GM does the same to her and DB is enjoying his time as the golden child and is probably a narcissist as well.

This is the 3rd christmas we have not spoken, every year we've sent christmas gifts; we never receive anything back.

Although they have essentially cut us out of their lives DM still tries to manipulate me, when my grandfather died she told my dad I was going to kick off at my step mother at the funeral which caused all sorts of problems! Fortunately I talked to my dad and stepmother and we now have a better relationship as a result but I find it incredibly hurtful that she wants to turn the whole family against me.

If your still with me thanks for reading!

We have recently found out I am pregnant, we conceived via IVF so this baby is our little miracle however it it causing issues between dh and I because we can't agree if we should tell my mum or not.

My brother recently got engaged and I found out through facebook which I found incredibly upsetting and underlined to me that they no longer consider me as part of the family this has made me think that they no longer deserve to share in our good news when they haven't wanted to be part of our lives for the last 2 years.

On the other hand I feel like my mum will use me not telling them as an opportunity to cause more drama telling everyone and anyone how we've cut them off and excluded them, this would be her first biological grandchild.

Dh thinks we should tell them, his family is normal so although he sees the crazy he doesn't understand it, he thinks she'll suddenly start talking to us, which she might but at what cost?

Can someone one please advise me on what to do? I am so confused about what to do?

We had an argument last night with dh telling me I'd ruined our wedding by getting upset about my mum (I have 1 photo of us together on the day as she refused to help me get dressed or be excited as I was getting ready and looks miserable in all the photos so I do get very upset when I look back because of this) and now I am ruining being pregnant for him and I should just get over christmas and enjoy spending time together. (He Isn't Christian so he's not grown up with the big christmas like I did)

I just want him to understand how I cant just not be upset by being cut off by my entire family!

Some really wonderful advice on here. Totally agree that narcs won't change. I confronted my mother and she sent me bile ridden texts saying that I was her evil daughter and that her curse to me is that my son makes my life a living hell. My ds is missing nothing by not having a relationship with her. Oddly, he never took to her from being tiny.

No I wouldn't bother to tell them. Their actions show they don't care. Your future child needs family who will love and care for them, your family do not deserve to be a presence in your life.

Tell them nothing, they will use it to cause chaos right up to the birth! People with normal families just don't get the dynamics of drama. I'm NC with most of mine and I tell them nothing, these people are out of your life for a reason!

I would say don't do it.

I went NC with my toxic father and half sister around a year/eighteen months ago. In the last year I've had a lot of disruption and am now 22 weeks pregnant.

After a lot of deliberation I told my DF via email that I had a) moved out b) got a new partner and c) was pregnant, along with a picture of the 12 week scan photo.

Nothing in return.

Cue me sending another scan picture, this time of the 20 week scan, telling him it was a little boy. Still no reply.

Messaged my half sister and basically it turns out he does know, but clearly can't be bothered.

It hasn't made me feel any better, knowing that I 'did the right thing' by including him.

DP is also from a 'normal' family... And he really doesn't get it. Not in the slightest.

Don't do it OP, you'll just feel shit for it, whether it's now or further down the line.

No.

I'm nc with my mother/brother.

I wouldn't tell them anything about me/my life. Nothing whatsoever. Didn't tell my mother that my dad had died or thatmy marriage had broken down.

That's what nc means. No Contact. If you contact them, that's not no contact.

I agree that people with normal families with normal ups and downs just don't get it.

should I tell LC/NC toxic family about pregency?

No.

How much pain have your family inflicted on you?

Do you really think they will be different to your child? They have it in for you fuzzywuzzy and they'll either have it in for your child or they'll (maliciously) choose see you as so shit a parent that they are justified in trying to get between you and littlefuzzy as the years go on. This lovely little baby is not a magic wand to transform your mother and GM into nice people.

Don't let them hurt your child the way they hurt you, because you're clinging to the hope of a loving family in the face of all the evidence.

Ensure your baby has a healthy and loving family, not one that plays endless games. Your baby will have you and Papa and Papa's sane and normal family. That's a lot.

To hell with what unaware aunts and uncles see or don't see and what they say. You can't keep everyone happy - and the people you choose to keep happy should be the sane and healthy ones, ie your husband's family. It's a real shame he doesn't get it but in this situation, you need to be the strong one and do what's right for littlefuzzy.

Not sure if you've heard the term "flying monkeys" when it comes to narcissists... It's explained here. A friend is going through a horrible divorce from a narcissist and she's found this website really useful so thought I'd share.

narcissistschild.blogspot.co.uk/2014/06/the-flying-monkeys-in-your-life.html?m=1

Thanks for all your advice.

DH rang this evening to tell DM he said the conversation was really forced she said congratulations but didn't seem to be generally excited or enthusiastic.

I sent DB a message on Facebook short and to the point.

We've been the bigger people and fulfilled our obligation.

DH now understands they are not normal based on their reactions versus his family and my dad so I feel like we can move forward now.

If anything it's actually helped lift what little fog there was left, they'll be no more updates or presents from us from this point.

Best result all round then, in a backhanded way. Sorry that your family is so meanspirited, but glad that your husband sees something of where you're coming from. It has to help him, if you are used to a nice family you just don't get what the dynamics are like. If he stops feeling that 'you have to get on with your family' then it won't be a bone of contention between you.

All the best for tinyfuzzy!

UPDATE - so I cracked and sent them a picture of our 12 week scan yesterday.

DB hasn't responded and DM just wrote "congratulations both" and now I'm upset because she's a heartless bitch who shows no interest in her own grandchild!

I don't really know why I'm suprised or letting her ruin this for me everyone else is super excited :-(

Fuzzy

As I wrote before people like your mother are really past masters of, "come closer so I can hurt you again". Your brother is likely to be her "golden child" in this scenario whilst you and in turn your own family unit are the scapegoats.

Am so sorry but not altogether surprised that she has not responded; please both of you stop any further contact with them now. Learn from this.

Having boundaries with people like your mother is very difficult primarily because she has trained you to serve her, your own needs and wants come stone last. You both have to raise and have consistent boundaries (you can stop sending them gifts, that is an easy one to achieve).

You have both felt obligated to contact these people and it has done you no favours whatsoever. The "normal" rules of familial interaction when it comes to dysfunctional families goes out the window. All this "being the bigger person" stuff comes to nothing when it comes to such dysfunctional people; they are not and will never be reasonable. Such people too never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

The best thing you can do for yourselves as a family going forward is to be in no contact with any of your side of the family. Your mother was not a good parent to you, she is already showing you what sort of a grandmother she will be to your child.

Do read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward, your DH certainly needs to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author.

I rang my mother and told her I was 15weeks pregnant.

My ds is almost 9 months on.

So far , I have had zero phone calls asking how I am, or how the baby is. Ds has had zero presents. Not for his birth or Christmas.

I am actually a little sad about that but also realise that her non attention, is by far preferable to if he did have her attention.

I see what she had done to my brothers , the hurt she causes, the judgements the digs that I a greatful that I and ss will never have to experience that.

what little fog there was left
Judging by your last update I don't think this is true.
Stop trying to please her or your DB.
You never ever will.
Doing what you are doing is NOT making you the bigger person.
All it is doing is making you feel more shit.
Your mother will NEVER be the mother you wanted or deserved.
The sooner you realise that, the better.
Good luck with your pregnancy.
Now leave your mother to her own devices and concentrate on your new family.

Wow atilla .....

"Come closer so that I can hurt you again..."

Powerful. So true.

OP don't let he do this to your pfb directly or indirectly by hurting you.

Thanks for the replies I suppose I thought seeing the baby might change something even though I knew deep down it wouldn't?

Me and DH have just been discussing it, he agrees no more contact. So we're going to try and be strong no more updates hopefully we'll stick to it this time!

It's so hard!

Your mum has hurt you enough. It's time to let go, to go NC and not to look back for a long while. Don't give them any more updates or scan photos. They don't care. It's time to move on and enjoy your pregnancy and your wee one without your toxic relatives tainting that precious time.

Going NC will be hard initially, but as time passes, the less you think about it, the easier it becomes. Do not let the FOG get in your way. If you wobble, just keep reminding yourself why you went NC in the first place - to protect yourself, your sanity and your child. Your toxic relatives have absolutely no place in your life anymore.