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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

worst xmas

24 replies

Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 08:22

Happy Xmas! I ended my relationship on Monday which I know is the right decision for me. I stupidly agreed for my ex to stay at mine with his kids until Monday as his flat needs sorting. he didn't want Xmas ruined for his kids. I am regretting it, my Xmas is ruined. I always felt like my home wasn't my own with them here, like an outsider. this is no different just because it's Xmas. it wasn't my preferred option.

the dilemma I have is that his kids don't know we have split up, I have bought them presents that I actually don't want to give them but as they don't know we aren't together I feel I have to give them.

I would much prefer to give to children in need and who would appreciate them more than his kids (I didn't get a thanks when I bought his daughter some birthday presents) as I didn't keep my receipt so may struggle to get a refund.

any advice would be appreciated if anyone is online Smile

OP posts:
Concerned97 · 25/12/2015 08:27

How old are the children? Really it's only for a few days, tough but try and put a smile on your face and get on with it? The day will pass quicker that way.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 25/12/2015 08:28

It'll be ok. Xmas isn't ruined. You've still got NYE to make a fresh start for 2016 without this. I actually think it's nice you let his kids stay on till Monday - it would've been awful to kick them out onto the street at Christmas.

Gliblet · 25/12/2015 08:30

Paste on a smile, give his kids the last Christmas presents you need ever give them, then treat yourself to a nice relaxing day with good food once your place is your own again. Don't make things even more uncomfortable for the next few days, for your own sake.

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 08:33

they are 10 and 8. I would never want to purposefully ruin their Xmas. I tried to pretend everything is ok but I failed miserably so I just removed myself from them. taking myself off to my room. the thing is he has a flat already that he could have gone back to straight away but he says its needs cleaning, i just hope he cleans it and isn't here next Xmas lol. they can be difficult kids which is a factor in our split which doesn't help me trying to front it out. they are opening their presents from father Xmas while I'm still in bed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 08:36

I think I wil give them the presents as they don't know we've split. I hope I don't end up regretting it when I don't get so much as a thank you. you can tell I'm bitter, they demand and very rarely say please and thanks, needing to be prompted each time. my ex think they are improving I disagree, that leads him to think I'm slagging off his kids. hence why this relationship was never going to work

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 25/12/2015 08:39

They are 8 and 10 and you begrudge them a few presents and a nice Xmas when they have the ordeal of having to move etc?
I was expecting you to say late teens. How sad.

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 08:44

atsea it's not sad at all. they don't live at mine and never have, their home is their dads flat. my ex has had them here every other weekend for the last few months when all I have wanted is for him to have them at his flat. I never got my wish and still don't. so no I don't feel bad as this is my home not theirs. they don't view this as their home either. They know it is my house. The only things that need moving are clothes and toys, could have been done in a few hours

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 25/12/2015 08:51

Ok that makes more sense but sounds like you should be angry will DP not the kids. Today, just smile and breath. Tomorrow, kick them all out, don't wait until Monday. In fact do it tonight, when it's the DC bedtime. Send them home enjoy your evening.

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 08:57

I certainly am angry at my ex, have been for a few months, staying here but not contributing, not dealing with his kids behaviour, hence why I ended it. you are right I need to suck it up and smile. he does have time to pack and move home but he makes excuses, like the flats not ready, needs cleaning. the flat is how he left it! I even offered to help clean. I hav got through the last few months so a few more days is nothing. thanks for ur opinions Xmas Smile

OP posts:
amarmai · 25/12/2015 08:59

whatever he wants ,you let him? he is self entitled and treats you as 2nd to him , so his kids do the same. Stay in bed , give the presents to the Salvation Army Toy drive and tell him when you want him to leave. Stop being a doormat. And make the New Year a celebration by putting yourself first.

Walkacrossthesand · 25/12/2015 09:05

Next time, try saying 'no' to things you don't want (eg BF bringing his DC to your place for his contact weekends) - it sounds like you keep finding yourself having things 'ruined' because you couldn't/didn't say 'no' at the beginning. You can change this!

Walkacrossthesand · 25/12/2015 09:06

PS I mean, in your next r'ship/life generally - I know this one is over...

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 09:12

I did feel railroaded. things moved to fast to soon, I won't make that mistake again. apparently I'm the selfish one, never doing anything for him. he's blinkered

OP posts:
ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 25/12/2015 11:05

Being blunt, what has happened here is that you haven't been honest with someone about a situation and are now bitching about it.

It's entirely of your own creation.

Which is good really because it means that you can also stop it whenever you want.

The conversation re the flat should have been

"But my flat needs cleaning"

"Well you'd better go and clean it then"

He will keep making excuses, so pack his stuff into bags and tell him he needs to take it with him. If he doesn't, tell him you'll put it on the doorstep and then do it.

fuzzywuzzy · 25/12/2015 11:10

When the children return to their mothers house, kick your ex out.

Can you ask a friend or two to come around, quickly bag up your ex's bits and leave it in the hallway/outside the door and tell him to get cleaning his flat then. Your ex is not your problem. He's a grown man with is own flat.

You need your home back ASAP.

Cabrinha · 25/12/2015 11:58

He couldn't go back to his flat because it needed to be cleaned?!!!
How did you not laugh in his face?!

JohnThomas69 · 25/12/2015 13:46

Christmas is for kids. They, like we did only get a few before adulthood and deserve to enjoy them free of drama or negativity. It sounds like you really don't have any time for them which is fair enough I suppose but don't forget they are the innocent parties and are entitled to heaps of joy and happiness on this day in particular. As for not saying thanks for gifts they're 8 and 10 😲

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 25/12/2015 15:12

John, it sounds like you don't think children of 8 and 10 should be expected to say thank you.

By their ages, it should be an automatic response to being given anything really.

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 19:35

he's packing now. I expect a child of 8 and 10 to say thanks. his 8 year old said it when it was his birthday with no promoting. they are basic manners. their dad should have had them at his flat instead of forcing me and them into this situation knowing that I have been struggling with them

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 25/12/2015 19:53

their dad should have had them at his flat instead of forcing me and them into this situation knowing that I have been struggling with them

How did he force you?

Chopz · 25/12/2015 19:59

Do you have children?

Just say you can't accommodate them/him anymore and don't explain.

seasidesally · 25/12/2015 20:03

your letting your anger spill onto the kids

maybe the atmosphere affects them as you clearly dont think much of them

Original poster
Chocolatefiend99 · 25/12/2015 20:44

he did force me by guilt tripping me, saying if they didn't have Xmas here he couldn't have them at all, which reflecting on it was a load of rubbish. I control my anger by just removing myself from the situation. if they weren't in my home it would not have been an issue in the first place. I don't have children. it is no longer an issue as he's nearly packed

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 25/12/2015 20:52

So he didn't force you? He gave you a reason and you can see straight through it, that it wasn't even a very good reason?

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