Crying as quietly as possible so as not to disturb DS

[Spidermama]

This is the least christmassy post I will ever write but I have to get it out so here goes.
I live with two highly explosive individuals. DH and DD who is 17. I have another 3 DSs too but we don't have the same propensity to let rip.

Earlier this evening DD had a massive mad emotional explosion for some minor misdemeanour which I can't remember the details of. I think I had the temerity to ask her to bring her cup and plate over so I could wash them up. Anyway she had her usual immediate blast off so DH followed suit taking it as personally as he could and pouring shit loads of petrol onto the DD fire.

It's 4 hours later now. The evening was completely ruined. DS and I didn't go round the corner to our friend's house for drinks after all. I've been pouring over stuff on the internet about how to handle explosive people then talking DH down and trying to work out a Christmas-saving strategy with him.

Meanwhile my 10 year old DS has found his own pillowcase for Santa to fill and taken himself off to bed. Now abusive DD and DH have made up and are having drinks and a cheeseboard downstairs while I'm still reeling in the wake of their ridiculous emotional explosions.

I know from reading the psychobabble I'm meant to just bite the bullet and be nice to them to try to find out what is really the problem and why they are so touchy about stuff.

Actually I'm upstairs seething with resentment that they can now move on with their lives, have a lough, hang out together, while I'm up here with my Christmas eve' ruined, feeling anything but good will, and my gorgeous 10 year old Christmassy boy has taken himself off to sleep probably to escape the horror of these emotionally incontinent car crashes.

They are selfish fuckwits who never seem to notice how their ludicrous drama-spats affect the rest of us.

Neither or them seems able to control these regular explosions. They just blow up in our faces. Do they blow up at friends? Work colleagues? member of the general public? If not, they bloody well can control it.

DD has been very highly strung since teens. She screams abuse at family members every day ... She's very quiet and well behaved at school though. So yes, she is able to control it.

This struck me as well. They can and do control it, until they are with you. They are using it to control everyone around them while they get to enjoy their cheese board and drinks.

You're going to have to bite the bullet and tell them that their behaviour is unacceptable, that they will have to start regulating their emotions or there will be consequences. And then stick to it.

I'm so sorry this has happened, your poor boys and poor you.

I was the explosive 17 year old. I was utterly miserable. I don't remember, looking back, my mum ever having a script about my good points. I was 'difficult' and 'loud' and 'touchy'. I spent two years in pain with IBS because my mother wasn't someone I would go to with my stuff because her stuff was more important. I was in pain, tired, stressed and miserable.

If I talked to her about any of this; then and now, she would have said that she was reasonable and boundaried and wonderful and did lots for us. And she would cry, a lot. Which was guilt inducing and meant to be guilt inducing.

I just want to put a different side to this thread of everyone telling you your child is awful. I wasn't awful. I was kind, did charity work and was a good friend. My communication just broke down with my mum at about 15 and only got better in my 20s. And, she was the parent. I was just a kid.

Your DH on the other hand is a grown up and should grow the fuck up.

Can you steer your 17 year old towards something like anger management or counselling, or just your GP?

The phenomenon of being fine at school but having total meltdowns at home sounds a bit like children with social communication disorders and I'm wondering if there's an element of that. It may well also apply to your DH also, but I'm thinking it may be easier to persuade your DD to accept help, and she needs to get it now as otherwise she's liable to have a life of failed relationships because people just won't put up with this behaviour

DP was like your DC with the pillowcase, but didn't have someone like you there to support him. His dad, mum and sister are all highly explosive people, who will then sit down like nothing has happened with each other, but will sulk around anyone else and bear grudges, including against my quiet DP who is terrified of confrontation as a result.

He couldn't believe when he spent some time at my house the first few times and saw how my family handled conflicts - talking honestly, the guilty party apologising, the wronged party forgiving, and then all being friends again and laughing and joking. He just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that people could disagree without screaming and breaking stuff.

I really feel for you and your other DC, OP. You've had some great advice here

Chances are that they can control it, they just choose not to as there are no consequenes for them.

Why didn'y you go out?

Can you at least tell your husband not to be such a twat as to join in with your daughter & to join with you in telling her to STFU & bugger off to her room & stop upsetting everyone.

Or some such.

You could explain to DH that this is upsetting you and the rest of the family, and that it is irresponsible of him to be teaching Dd that this type of behaviour is acceptable.

He is the one (adult) who needs to put a stop to this.

Also don't tell yourself they ^can't help it'. They can. If they want to. If they actually give a shit about others.

Happy christmas

yes i have two of those over here and a two year old that is copying the behaviour ds (7) is explosive and dd (15) can explode too last night was horrific im looking out for the international space station (santa's sleigh) all they had to do was sit still and eat the food they bickered and exploded and raged at each other the neighbours could hear it and i had enough i exploded right back at them told them a few home truths they are old enough for me to walk in the next room without acting like this stop winding each other up stop screeching at each other you don't do this anywhere else stop doing it here ENOUGH OR GO TO BED RIGHT NOW! i fucking meant it too they lowered it to a reasonable level and we saw santa's sleigh

no advice really massive sympathy for you i know ds gets this from his father he acted this way when he lived with us now he doesn't he gets to play disney dad and give them food poisoning and drop them off with me load them up with shit and drop them off with me wind them up and bring them home

Hope your day has gone well xx

they feel good while they are doing this and they feel good afterwards. They are addicted to this emo jacking off. In fact there is a sexual component to it. You can try family therapy but they need an emo equivalent to ANON. Hope your 10 yr old ds got his pillow case well filled and that you figure out what is best for all of you.

They treat you like shit because they want too and there hasn't been severe enough consequences to make them stop.

Record your daughter next time so she can't pretend she doesn't know what she is like. You say she doesn't seem to see or hear what she's like, she knows what she is like. She just has no reason to stop.

They may also be genuinely bemused that their moods affect you. I know this from experience - I can rage with the best of them and don't get how people uninvolved can be so emotionally invested. Take a leaf out of their book and don't get involved in it. Don't fuel it.

I've been where your DD is and my DH can get like this as well. There is always something underlying it. It doesn't make them bad people.

Your H's behaviour - blow-ups several times a week - sounds abusive. Why have you stayed with him? A crap childhood is no excuse - Lundy Bancroft books.

"The psychobabble" doesn't say to analyse and appease people by the way: it says that if someone is being abusive to set boundaries for you and your DC, eg leaving the relationship.

I can rage with the best of them and don't get how people uninvolved can be so emotionally invested But people do become emotionally invested and they have every right to do so because it's in their space. They don't have to change their personality or emotional make-up to compensate for the shouting/arguing people. If it takes a toll on the OP and everyone else in the house then they all need to work together to find a solution. The solution isn't just to say - 'well, we'll carry on shouting and everyone else has to adapt round about it'. And if that is their inflexible response then the OP needs to remove herself and her DCs from it.