I'm just so bloody unhappy

[Kiddiewinks2008]

Been with DP for 16 years, 2 kids of 4 & 8. He's older than me by 12 years and I am in my early 40s- I dont know if the age gap is part of the issue of whether DP is just a bit of ar*ehole.
He has become increasingly impossible to live with- I can't say anything to him/discuss anything at all/barely speak to him without him kicking off about it- he swears constantly both under his breath and directly at me. He is angry all the time. We havent had sex in a year and are pretty much in seperate rooms. We rarely do anything jointly now & I do everything with the kids. All he seems to want to do is sit in front of the TV.
Its making me miserable - I look at other peoples relationships with envy as people seem so in love and yet I just feel lonely and empty on a daily basis.
I think I am scared of being on my own after all these years and yet its making me miserable. I am also worried that at 42 I am too old to meet anyone new.
Please give me some advice!!

I think I am scared of being on my own after all these years and yet its making me miserable.

What scares you about being on your own?

I am also worried that at 42 I am too old to meet anyone new.

What evidence do you have for this? Do you have any evidence against this theory?

I felt like you for a long time - just like my life was over, incredibly lonely and dead inside and with a partner who I felt very distant from.
In the end I left that relationship - which was very difficult but the right thing and I did it. I am now on my own and generally quite content. I have ups and downs and miss intimacy sometimes but at the very least I feel alive again.

Do you think single mums are all more unhappy than you are and that you're less capable of coping than you are?

If so I think you need help.

If not then that's your reasoning for staying blown out of the water.

OP give or take a bit I wrote your exact post a year ago & now here I am, divorced with two kids & very happily set up with a new man. Something that was inconceivable to me back then. You CAN do it. A better life awaits (with loads of support from MN)

I think your life would improve immeasurably if he wasn't living with you. It must be incredibly stressful living with someone who is so angry. I suppose you could insist he sees a doctor, because he clearly isn't feeling alright, but this would depend on what he was like before this anger started.

Could you afford to live apart?

Op I get why you're scared but surely a life alone with your children has got to be better than sharing a life with a miserable git who lets you do everything anyway. Picture yourself in a new house with just your children, your rules, no one there to make you feel miserable, no one swearing at you or belittling you. You can do whatever you want to and it would be good.

I split from my dp almost 3 months ago and will be moving to my own house very soon with my dc. At first I was terrified of this thought and felt lost and sad at the loss of the relationship. I still get moments like this but now I'm starting to have moments where I'm looking forward to not having to put up with anyone else's negativity. I'm building a network of friends for support (something I'd let dwindle during my relationship) and I'm looking forward to a bright future. It will be sad to sell the house and move on but it's also a new start with new adventures. Life is what you make it, don't wait for it to come and get you, go out there and get it! I too am in my 40's. It's never too late to start over again.

I agree with PP - would you really rather stay in such an unhappy life than be single? Do you look down on single parents or is there something about it that scares you?

It doesn't sound from your OP that there is much DP is bringing to the relationship. Have you checked your finances? Do you rent or own?

I think you should sit down and quietly work out a plan and think about how much nicer life would be without him.

I don't want to depress you further, but if your life is so unhappy that you are posting on an internet forum about it, that's pretty shit. Maybe some counselling would help you to understand what's keeping you there?

All I would advise is be aware how devastating it is being separated from your children. It's common place nowadays for it to be 50/50 residency after separation. I've been separated pending divorce after my STBXH had an affair since January and it is TRULY devastating not seeing your kids so much. I'm sitting here on my own and won't see my kids now until tomorrow night. I feel like I'm living a nightmare. My kids are the same age as yours. Not everyone is he same as me but I had no idea this would be so agonising.

flange what are you doing to look after yourself until tomorrow night?

Thanks for all your replies- its interesting to think about what I am so afraid of really- I was raised for a while in a single parent family so certainly dont look down on single parents.
I don't really know what I am afraid of- lonliness maybe? But I experience that anyway within the relationship.
The thought of being away from my kids isnt a happy one at all and not something I want at all. The whole scenario makes me feel trapped.
We rent and I earn a good salary but have no idea how my finances would look- I need to get some proper advice.
I just can't bear the thought of the next 20 years with this man- I want to be the one who is in a loving relationship where they feel valued and supported and where their Dp says nice things to them.

Could you plan to use the time that the children are with their father to address the loneliness worries?

kiddiewinks I could have written your post. I feel as though I change my mind week about!

I remember reading on here a wise poster who advised, don't waver, stick to your decision, trust yourself. That's what keeps me from wobbling too much and thinking we can make it work.

Plus - and I hope this doesn't sound daft, but his scent absolutely turns me. yes he washes, rather fastidiously, I mean his chemical scent. That's a big red flag to me now.

I am nervous but excited for the future. My anxiety levels are far lower than they used to be and im taking each day as it comes.

Nothing else for it really - I know ill come out of this stronger and wiser.
Be kind to yourself x

ps - I am 7 weeks off my fortieth birthday. (eeekk!!)

If you suggest a reasonable contact schedule, then he wouldn't have a leg to stand on arguing for 50:50. It's such a change from his current level of engagement with the DCs that it is clearly not in their best interests, at least to begin with.

I just can't bear the thought of the next 20 years with this man- I want to be the one who is in a loving relationship where they feel valued and supported and where their Dp says nice things to them

OK I get this, but are you saying that he just doesn't have the capacity to be supporting and treat you lovingly? Or is it that something along the way during those 16 years now stops him from being the person he once was.

I'm definitely not one to say keep grinding on with the same person rather than split, but I do think it's worth deciding if the relationship is well and truly dead, or whether it could be something you need to work on together. Before throwing away 16 years of a relationship that may just need open-heart surgery. Eg:

Does he know how unhappy you are?

Have you suggested you both go along to counseling together?

I too could have written your post at the beginning of the year. Now I have ended the relationship and without the close proximity can see the toxicity even clearer. Never wavered in my decision, however I can't hand on heart say that I am not painfully lonely.
I have met a new man and it's a roller coaster

Oop. Posted too soon!

It's a roller coaster and not easy to get used to a whole new way of doing things without the swearing, sulking and venom. It isn't perfect and certainly not a walk in the park, but was it worth it. Hell yes!
Even if things don't work out with the new man, knowing that there is someone out there who could love me the way I deserve to be loved will hopefully be enough to keep me going.
First Christmas alone this year, and a lot of tears on my part. But none of them regretting my decision.
I'm 38 btw and in relationship for 17 years.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Ask yourself that question and honestly.

Is this man angry at everyone or is he reserving this ill treatment solely for you?.

IMO such men know how unhappy their woman (whom they really see as a possession) is but do not care; they only care for getting their own needs met.

Do not get caught up in the "sunken costs fallacy" because that will simply cause you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

You are afraid of being on your own but you're really on your own within this relationship now. He does not care about you at all. What you've written is akin to death by 1000 cuts; it is simply eating away at your self worth.

Your children, particularly your eldest, likely knows more than you perhaps care to realise; they both see your unhappiness and perhaps even worst still blame themselves for their mother being so unhappy. They are perceptive and pick up on all the bad vibes.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships, surely not this loveless sounding model of one. Would you want this to become their "norm" too?.

Don't choose unhappiness over uncertainty.

How about a trial separation? It may spur him on to seek help and if not, you can get some space to see how happy and free a life without him might be.

You deserve a better life than what you're currently experiencing. I also wouldn't dwell on the 'meeting someone else' part of this. It's not horrible being single and after such a long relationship, it would probably be a good idea to have some time out. Please don't let that be the reason you stay!

I think you need to take it in steps. Get Christmas out of the way and get some advice. If you don't like what you hear, get some more. Once you have a head full of knowledge, you will feel different again and hopefully stronger and more able to see a future away from DH. As a PP said, learn to trust yourself and your spidey sense and gut feelings but for now, knowledge is power. Make that call on the first business day back. You will feel more positive by doing positive things. Good luck, he sounds awful and soul destroying.

If you can't bear the thought of the next 20 years with this man, take that as your mantra and you have not a moment to lose. He won't get any better. He sounds horrible. And yes, gradually getting grumpier and grumpier - what on earth does he think is attractive or OK about that. I don't know if it is the age gap or what. I married someone older than me, and that wouldn't have mattered if he hadn't turned into an emotionally abusive shit. And I am now late 40s and single. So what? It is a lot better than being with him. And I am more of a team with my dcs than I ever would have been with him. He was a shit. I am glad he is out of my life. Good luck. Being without him might well be a load better than being with him. You don't have that horrible feeling of dread for a start... wondering what sort of mood he'll be in, whether he'll blame you etc etc. What a relief.

I met my new man within 3 months of my divorce coming through aged 56. I married him this year aged 63.

No one is ever too old!