Oh, blimey

[Ringsender2]

Hi, i am a frequenter of Relationships, and have learned a lot from various posts, but I haven't posted myself until now. I have come close, but haven't really known where to start, or what my question is, or what I want from a post. I suppose, also, that things weren't "bad enough", and I also probably didn't want to have to change the status quo.

I still don't really know, other than I need to get stuff out there and get some help to even develop an understanding of how to move forwards. But my line in the sand was crossed today, and I can't just gloss over the bumps and carry on as though nothing happened.

Today's straw was probably not any worse than other times but I saw it so clearly.

We drove to a shopping centre in separate cars; I arrived a few minutes later than my H and DD, who were waiting for me. I drove against the one way system in part of the car park, as I had missed the first turn, and the next two openings were no entry.

My H commented on it in a lighthearted way, which I laughed at too, then added the explanation above. He disagreed with me about the available "in" routes, and when I said I took what was the first available "in", he absolutely exploded at me. He raised his voice and went on about how I always think I'm right, etc.

This was from out of absolutely nowhere, totally left field, over something completely trivial. I disagreed with him and I told him that he is the type of person who could have an argument in an empty room.

I felt really gutted, and told him how sad I felt when we were finishing lunch in a cafe. He carried on looking at his magazine and mumbled "sorry" in an unemotional tone. I had to go to the loos to have a quick cry.

I told him this evening, after kids finally asleep and he was heading up too, that he'd crossed a line and that although I don't want to deal with it before Christmas, that we need to talk in order to move forwards. He looked suitably concerned and then said "I'm sorry I contradicted you, I shouldn't have done that".

It took a good 5 minutes to sink in that he didn't even realise what he'd done - ie a completely unwarranted and undeserved personal attack - that I wanted an apology for.

So, today I have had the horrible realisation that I'm married to an abusive cunt in such a dysfunctional marriage that I can no longer just muddle through.

As I said above, I'm not really sure what I want from this post. In my head, I want him to go for single counselling and couples, and I want individual counselling too. Or for him to leave. I don't know if it will be enough though. At the moment, i don't think he thinks he has any things he should change. I know I need help, support, to improve. I am just not sure about him.

Sorry about the length. There's obviously loads more - harsh on the older child (boy), tender with the younger (girl). His DF raging alcoholic but no one would admit it, also incredible rages and no anger management. When we first met, my H was adamant he wasn't like his F and aimed never to be. My F alcoholic, absent, unreliable, serial womaniser and cheat, tried once to get me into bed.

Sorry to hear you've had a shit day. Could it just be xmas emotions running high or is there more? for you x

Maybe in his behaviour toward your dc he is copying (involuntarily) how his Dad used to be with him?

Quite possibly, although from what I understand, his older brother used to get it in the neck a lot more than he did. But still a very fucked up family dynamic.

I don't think it was Christmas stress - we'd literally just arrived after a non-stressful drive, and plenty of parking spaces. That was, i think, what made it so weird. I would have let it run off me if it had been at the other end of our 5 hours shopping marathon when we were both tired, hungry, stressed, snappy, etc, but it wasn't!

He does get short-tempered when stressed, and does take it out on us, which he shouldn't. (As I am sure I do)

People who grow up in dysfunctional families will adapt to survive.

I wonder if he's used to just zoning out when there is a ruck, because he feels powerless/irrelevant to the distress that surrounds him. He'll blow up, but is so used to being ignored he thinks his behaviour has no impact at all.

I think the sticking point is his saying you think you are always right - that's how he sees it and so this incident was just another occasion of that. You on the other hand see him as someone who invites/starts arguements. These are the kind of little splinters that go deep if not sorted straight away. You appear to be at loggerheads about your different communication styles.

If you're naturally going to lock horns when you disagree you need to work out some strategies to avoid that. I don't think he's abusive btw on the basis of what you've said.v

ps I meant by his family growing up, not you!

You are bravely posting on here about serious issues, not just one angry incident in a car park .
Take you own advice seek out counselling, try to unravel the deeper issues that you have yet to find a voice for.
Work on yourself first before deciding what changes need to be made in your life .goodluck

And don't let DH off to lightly he's been out of order in the way that he spoke to you .
Perhaps you're both in need of support

Thanks threefishys - yes we do have differences in communication styles and it has probably gone way past the splinter stage to the whole tree. We've been together 20 yrs and married 14. And yes, i think he's anticipating or is kind of hpersensitised to me doing/saying things that annoy him/ trigger a respobse. Useful to hear your perspective, thanks.

Spud thanks also. I reread what I'd written and it sounds completely trivial and not very remarkable. However, I found it really hard to write and had a big surge of adrenaline whilst writing. So you're right, it is the tip of the iceberg and part of a sequence.

You are sadly right that we both need support. What I am afraid of is that he doesn't realise that/won't accept it.

I'd like to usethis forum as a place to record my thoughts / events, so please bear with me. I welcome any input.

I have the lovely prospect of my mil coming to stay for a week after Christmas. Great. Any disagreement/argument I have with H in her hearing she jumps into and adds her 10 p worth. Always agreeing with her son of course. I will be out a lot.

She also took it upon herself this summer (when we were staying with her) to tell me what a shit mother i am, how H is right and I am wrong, that all the perceived 'bad' elements in my DS (he is singled out for special criticism vs DD) are due to me, and how we should go for counselling. She had me in tears, all this with the kids in the next room hearing everything. I have had 2 truly horrendous years at work and was at a low ebb. I was furious with mysekf for letting her get to me. My H said not a word in my defence or in support.

For the record I think my DS and DD are great. DS can be pretty stroppy and rude, esp when tired or hungry or making transition from one thing to the next, but is a great kid in general.

H's DF died some years ago, since when he has interacted with her much more, talking on phone, visiting etc. She has had much more time on her hands and interferes. The dynamic has changed from me and DH vs any rudeness his DF put my way, to H and his mum clubbing together when we're all together. In the famous words of Diana, it feels like there's a third person in my marriage.

We are no longer a team. I feel annoyed that I believed him when he said he actively wouldn't be like his dad, and I feel stupid for not recognising the strength of his mother's influence on him. It wasn't apparent in our early years together.

It is ok to call it a day if he no longer makes you happy. The kids will be picking up on all of this crap.

Give him a chance if you want but I think you need to make it clear that if things dont change and he won't agree to counselling then you will be splitting up. I think men need things spelling out sometimes to really understand what's at stake. Set yourself a deadline and if nothing has improved, end it.

Once again I'm going to recommend "Why Does He Do That " by Lundy Bancroft. It won't solve your problems but it certainly helps you understand where those problems are coming from.
He is emotionally abusing you, and he's teaching your son to behave like him. Not intentionally, I'm sure, but he can't break the chain of abuse & domination

Hi OP, I suggest starting the process with the solo counselling for yourself. It's easy to lose track of what is / is not OK in a ltr when DP is someone who is critical and has a temper. A good counsellor can help you establish a firmer sense of exactly what, for you, is wrong with the relationship before you go into couples counselling, should your DP agree to it.

I'd also suggest there is sometimes a reason why some of us end up with a difficult / angry partner that has more to do with us than them. If this is the case for you, the underlying issues within yourself need to addressed to make you strong enough to prevent backsliding if you do repair the damage with DP, or to prevent the same thing happening again with someone else should that be what the future holds for you.

Finally, I'm sure you know this already (gets said here often enough) but it's very important to accept that it's not your job to fix his personality. All anyone can ever do is develop themselves and work on their own behaviour in the relationship. His stuff is down to him, and if the relationship breaks down because of what he won't do to fix things then the failure is on him.

Best of luck, you're doing the right thing even if the final outcome is that you separate from your husband.

My stock response every time he tried something like this would be;
'OMG, listen to yourself, you are turning into your father'
That might shock him into realisation but maybe not.

No doubt there is a huge back story here and this is the final straw.
You don't want to accept this treatment anymore and you shouldn't have to.

And when the MIL starts, 'Oh bless you, you are a typical man pleaser, so I won't be taking any of notice of what you have to say' And walk away.

Not many here are picking up on the OP's description of her H's tirade against her in the shopping centre, how vile and explosive it was, as if it isn't really an issue here, just perhaos "different styles of communication "He clearly sees it as nothing- IT'S A MAJOR DEAL! No doubt in front of the kids too. OP you have then gone on to list several really serious issues (harsh on oldest DS, has also got his mother in on that one, plus she is also vile and abusive towards you). I think you have got so used to all of this, it's all some level of normal to you and you are doubting yourself and minimising it. But any of these issues ON THEIR OWN are enough to end a marriage over.....