Urgent advice needed on how to get council accomodation away from violent stepson

[tigertum]

My friend is in a very difficult situation and really needs some good advice. She is married and has a 4 year old DS (from a previous relationship) and a 1 year old DD. Her DH's 15 year old son lives with them as he doesn't get on well with his mum ad twin brother. He has been making my friends life a misery to the point where, despite not wanting to end the marriage, she now wants to move out into council accomodation.

We both know that teenagers are 'difficult' but this 15 seems to have some quite major problems. He is becoming increasingly violent - swearing, kicking holes in doors, destroying property. The worse thing for my friend is that he is becomming more violent towards her children. He scares her baby daughter by growling and shouting in her face, waving his arms and has tried to strangle her 5 year old son on more than one occasion. Last week this happened again and she was so alarmed that she phoned the police and has since had a letter from social services saying that if it happens again they will have to become invoved.

My friend can't relax in her own home, she is constantly worried about what this boy will do to her children or herself and quite understandably now wants to get out as soon as possible into council accomodation.

What can she do to get a place to live quickly. I am concerned that if there is no accomodatio available and social services feel her children are at risk, what will they do?

My friend is a wonderful, caring mother and a good, kind person who wants peace and safety. I could really do with some good advice for her.

Getting social services involved may not be such a bad idea!

Next time th 15 year old is violent, she needs to ring the police, and tell them she neeeds to move out NOW. They will then involve SS who will probably help her.

Nobody will want to take her children away!

tell her to contact her local council office and see what they can do

Hi Colditz

Luckily I've never had to deal with SS and only hear the bad stories about them in the news etc. I am a bit wary of them really on her behalf.

Basically she has made her mind up now that she wants to leave as soon as possible. She thinks a 'next time' is inevitable and the waiting for that/putting up with the daily rudeness/intimidation is too much for her now.

Does anyone know what the procedure would be if she was to go to them and say that she feels herself and her children are at risk where they are. It's mental abuse aswell for them all being there.

Oh yes, lets criminalise the troubled teen. That'll definately help defuse the situation.

will she go into a refuge with her 2 kids?

Different councils or Housing Associations have different policies / procedures. All will have a domestic violence procedure for rehousing which will give priority to those fleeing violence. However, I am not sure how they would deal with it being a step son rather than a husband. The fact that the Police have been called will help with this. I think your friend needs to watch out for them wrongly assuming that she wants to leapfrog others for rehousing when it is just a simple relationship breakdown with her partner - and that she is making this up to do that. That is why the Police being called will help.

Depending on how 'in demand' their houses are they may have to put your friend in bed and breakfast - it could be some time before being given her own home. She needs to be aware that if she does present herself as fleeing violence they may use some intermediary housing like a refuge or some emergency accommodation like B&Bs or hostels and / or any offers of council accommodation may only be what is available - not always in the areas that you would want to be. I am not sure whether any of that would be a problem based on what she is having to deal with day to day.

Hope this helps - I am a training officer for a Housing Dept - so I know a little bit but not the ins and outs of the procedure - she is best approaching both the Council and any Housing Associations locally to see if they can help.

where is the teens father in all this

dizietsma- why don't you come up with a constuctive suggestion, then?

Strangling a 5 yr old isn't acceptable behaviour!

I think the friend's DH needs to take some responsibility here- if he can't deal with his son's behaviour (with the assistance of SS, counselling, whatever it takes), then the son, or the H or both should go.

Agree with the last 2 posters.

What's his father's take on all this ? What steps does he take to tackle/discipline/punish his son (as appropriate) ?

At the end of the day, if my own flesh and blood teen was out of control (and assuming all the usual methods of discipline had been tried), I would first of all seek family counselling, but if that didn't improve matters, I too would contact agencies such as the Police or SS, if my much younger children were being literally terrorised.

It would break my heart to do it .... but as a responsible parent, you have to protect the most vulnerable members of the family, when all else has failed.

Hi all and thanks for your posts

Indi28 - Thanks for that info, v.helpful

Tissy & Catsmother - I agree that it is up to her DH to sort this as it's his son and there have been problems before she ever came on the scene.

I don't think he diciplines very much. He is totally on her 'side' but he's not actually doing much apart from telling him off and this lads behaviour is way past a good telling off IMO. She doesn't have any faith that her DH will actually do anything more. He's a good guy but I really don't think he knows what to do about his son. He has said that on her say so, he will make the son move out but my friend is reluctant to put him in that position and despite everything this lad has done, he is still only 15 and my friend doesn't like the idea of him being cast aside. I basically think she has had enough and just wants to have her own space and have some controll again.

We had a very long talk today and I think she is going to have a serious talk with her DH tonight and tell him her intention to leave.

She has enough savings to put down a deposit on a house but couldn't support herselft and her children alone. Does anyone know about moving into rented accomodation and going on income support/housing benefit?

I f she can set herself up in private rented then she will be able to claim Housing benefit - for most people on a council list the biggest hurdle to finding a house is the ability to pay the deposit. I know that is why i'm living at my parents at the mo - cant afford the deposit, but I 'd rather be here than in a B&B for god know how long.

Best thingf is to sort it out with the DH - surely he wouldn't just let her leave without sorting the son?!

I am in the situation of trying to be housed now.

Along my very long journey with the council these are the factors i have found out & am up against.

It depends what part of the country you live in, because some places are alot shorter of houses than others. Your friend can put her name on the council list explain the situation that her kids are at risk & explain police have been involved they will then most probably put your friend in temp accomodation, this being a half way house, B&B, temp flat or something from council or even a private let through a landlord, if your friend is on income support or will be when moving she can claim housing benefit & also council tax benefit in full, they will pay it all in other words.

If they are not short of houses where you live then she may well get a house but most places are short & it always takes time. She will be in her temp accomodation till they have a property to offer her or if they have the new system where you are they will make her "bid" on propertys to move into.

They will however take the things that are happening to her children seriously.

Tell her to contact the housing in her area & speak with an advisor they will then let her know her options & what she should do next.

Social service's priority is to act in the best interests of the children. In this case the responsibility would to ensure that your children at not placed at risk by the actions of the 15yr old. In addition to this, because the 15yr old is technically a child, his interests need to be looked at too.

Taking a child into care is an absolute last resort. Given the dire outcomes for children in care (early pregnancy, drug abuse, low educational attainment) children will only be taken into care if they would suffer worse remaining with their parent. In your friend's case, this obviously does not apply.

At a guess (I am not social worker, I just spent a lot of time around them in my last job), I'd say SS's involvment would be limited to trying to get adolescent services in contact with the 15yo. Given that's the most underfunded part of SS, I wouldn't hold my breath for any action.

They are supposed to take a serious interest in Domestic Violence though, as catching children exposed to it at a young age prevents them becoming abusers/abusees themselves.

In the circumstances, i wouldn't be too worried about the involvement of SS. They aren't about to swoop in and carry her kids away. That costs money.

However troubled you are, teen or otherwise, usually people have enough self control not to strangle others, Especially a five year old. The comment about "troubled teens" was not constructive IMHO. What about the physcological damage for the little ones, who are supposed to look up to siblings and feel safe with them.How sad that people have to choose between others and how sad that your friend feels her DH is not doing enough. Sometimes it's too hard to keep on an on. How sad that families can't get on with and give each other the space and respect they need and deserve. I hope the family don't break up and that each member of it gets the help they need.

I'd get onto the domestic violence unit at the council - if they are at all switched on they should be able to respond to DV whoever the perpetrator is. DV by sons against parents, for instance, is not unknown. DV unit should be able to help her with housing.

i would just like to add that my only experience of ss was very brief,my hv asked a sw to visit me cos i was living in a damp,disgusting bedsit with a 6mo baby.the social worker helped me get rehoused very quickly and i didnt hear from them again.

i think from the dv point of view,it doesnt matter who the perpetrator is,it is still classed as dv if somebody is suffering violence etc in thier own home.

Why on earth should she have to move out, i think the 15 year old need to be taken to the social services and something done about his behaviour, what the hell is her DH doing about this?

fwiw i have to agree there kimi-i think if i were in that situation,even if it were my own son terrorising the younger children,i would have issued an ultimatum a long time ago,ie get your act together or get the f*k out of my house!
saying that,i dont think my dp would sit idly by while his son scared his baby daughter

but each to their own i suppose.

Thanks so much for the info everyone - some good ideas there. Especially the private renting/DV unit ideas. Thanks also for the reassurace about SS involvement. I saw my friend today very breify but she was with her DP so I couldn't talk to her to find out how things are going. She said that she's not leaving her DS alone in the house with the teenager, not even for a minute so he is going everwhere she goes, even a 5 minute trip around my house to look at some furniture . I feel so sad for her - and them all really, what jollyhollymum said fits my sentiments exactly.

I'm emailing this thread to her and am going to tell her about the possibility of her getting her own rented accomodation and applying for housing benefit. I am also going to see if there is a domestic violence unit at the council and ask her if she wants to get in touch with them.

Kimi, I agree totally that something has got to be done about the teenagers behaviour. I think there is a big difference between being a sweary, ungrateful teenager slamming doors and generally being annoying and being dangerously violent towards two very small children. Maybe social services should be involved - I just don't think the Dad has the faintest idea what to do. He 'tells him off' and thats about the end of it. It's way past that.

Thanks again everyone.

I'll let you know how things go with her. I know she is going to have a big talk with her DH this weekend.