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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Husband has left not sure if he is having an affair

46 replies

Lilfroggi1 · 23/12/2015 01:25

Hi husband has left nearly 3 months ago saying he is not happy but starting to wonder if he is having an affair should I confront him or should I wait for more then confront him through a solicitor

OP posts:
Dungandbother · 05/01/2016 20:36

Hi Lilfrog

My ex sort of did similar but had an affair, minimised it but left. Well, I threw him out I suppose.

But the relationship didn't break down. He never said he was unhappy. He just threw a lot of shit at me afterwards. He's still blaming me 2.5 years later.

My divorce will go into court this month hopefully.

It takes a long time. Don't try to rush it. Just breathe through if you can.

My MIL and I were so close but the day he left I never heard from her again. She couldn't cope basically. I think she was so ashamed of him but she stood by him. 18 years as well oh her being in my life.
Mothers stand by their sons. Don't judge her and don't tear down bridges for your DD.

My DD is same age. And I have a younger DS too.

I've been through it too. Stick with MN. ThanksWine

Dungandbother · 05/01/2016 20:39

I black bagged everything of my Ex. He bought the DC back that first weekend and I had put it all in the boot of the car. Told him if he didn't take it then and there, I was going to the tip same day.

I didn't let the DC see of course.

And I also gave him all the bedsheets. The lot. And our Ensuite towels.

And bought all new in Sainsbury as it wasn't too expensive.

Oh and I defaced his passport. That was satisfying. But I'd discovered his affair so was allowed a moment of madness.

Dungandbother · 05/01/2016 20:44

And one more add for now....

I had this huge thing that I wouldn't let him take my self esteem along with everything else he took from my life. My hopes, dreams, plans.
But not my self esteem. Not a chance.

Everyday I got up, washed and did my hair and put on a face of make up. More than before. And switched to a bright lip colour from nude.

Everyday.

I didn't think I could look in the mirror and not see myself at my best.

But I do generally have good self esteem to begin with. Pick yours up please? Look at it as a treasure you need to keep.

sosolow48 · 05/01/2016 20:46

Lilfroggi1 - I really feel for you, I am trying to come to terms with my marriage ending (November) and I suspect there is someone else. I can relate to nearly everything you're saying, apart from in my case there are no children involved.

But your feelings of being overwhelmed and daunted, your confidence and self esteem being smashed as well as a sense of 'how did I get here?'.

I am having to cope with starting from scratch, job hunting (moving back to full time employed from part time self employed), that will then have to be followed by looking for a flat for myself (I can't afford to stay in my current home, but he can), starting divorce proceedings, starting the conversation about financial settlement, changing my Will, fear of things turning sour between us when money starts being discussed. All that as well as dealing with the strong emotions and sadness.

I will be honest and say I have at times thought I can't and don't want to go on. But there is a little voice somewhere in me that says there can be a new life and new love further down the line.

These forums show how horribly common this all is and reading them does help you realise you are not alone in going through it. They are also great for advice from those who have experienced it.

So I am sending you all my best wishes, I know it is utterly horrendous but as people keep saying to me, just look out for and after yourself now. I will keep popping onto your thread to see how you are getting on. I have had great advice on my thread if you would like to read it (my marriage has ended and my entire life has been taken away) Good luck X

sosolow48 · 05/01/2016 20:50

Oops, that should read 'my marriage is over and my entire life has been taken away'.

TheFormidableMrsC · 05/01/2016 21:02

Lilfroggi, it's been 2 years and 3 months since my husband left. There was/is an evil OW who has made everything a million times worse. Long story (3 threads worth on here). I was finally divorced in September of last year. You do get through, life is different, but you do start to recover. I would be lying if I said I had come out of the other side but I am working on it.

I really hope you can seek some advice on sorting out your situation so that you can draw a line and start rebuilding your life. Soslow has it covered in her post really...Flowers

Lilfroggi1 · 08/02/2016 23:39

Hi everyone
Just wanted to update you I have been doing a bit better started sorting the house out looking at things to decorate my bedroom with I have changed some pictures it is slowly starting to change into mine and my daughters house. I still have the down day and feel like what happened and a bit of dread. I have also been doing more excersice so that helps a bit. It's just trying to understand that the man you loved and trusted becomes someone you don't know at all.

OP posts:
TheFormidableMrsC · 08/02/2016 23:59

So glad to hear this...baby steps OP. Any progress on the legal front? Flowers

franklyidontgiveadamscarlet · 09/02/2016 00:04

Hi op
Don't give this any more thoughts than you have to as why he left you and your DC.
What ever you do don't blame yourself for him not giving you any explanation.
You now have your freedom to do with what you please.
Every one has down days no matter what is thrown at you. You get up the next day and start anew.
What ever it takes.
Do something uplifting or find a new interest something you have wanted to do but had boundaries put in place with fear that you couldn't do but can now.
Its about your hopes and Dreams Lilfroggi1

Lotsofponies · 09/02/2016 17:02

Glad to hear you are moving forwards, you are free, you can do what you want, when you want.

Its natural to grieve for what you had and the person you thought you knew. You really are doing so well and that proves you are a strong person. Keep us updated of how you are doing.

Lilfroggi1 · 10/02/2016 22:04

Hi thanks all getting bits sorted managed to get him to sign a letter to get him of the tenancy agreement he did that no problem so that is one step I have done. He has given me more money this month not quite therightamount but it's a start. I haven't been back to the solicitor yet haven't felt strong enough or ready yet but I am getting there. My self confidence and esteem have been low but I am starting to believe in myself more and going to counciling is helping too. Ian trying to do things to the house so it is mine and my daughter house

OP posts:
Lilfroggi1 · 10/04/2016 23:05

Hi I have been doing quite well the counselling really helped but it wasn't long enough so I have been referred again. But I have noticed that the last two weeks is starting to have a bit of a wobble as he has been trying to make an effort and wanting to do things with myself and our daughter . I think it is starting to confuse me even though he hasn't said anything along the lines of wanting to get back together, not that I want to get back with him is this normal

OP posts:
Ouriana · 10/04/2016 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilfroggi1 · 10/04/2016 23:54

Thanks what you have said is actually how I have been feeling I partly think it's that the other woman maybe has gone if there was one, she to be acknowledged now as we have separated nearly 6 months now. Just pissed off with myself for feeling like this as I have been doing ok maybe slightly to well from what people have said. I'm feeling exhausted

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 10/04/2016 23:56

"He has been trying to make an effort and wanting to do things with myself and our daughter . I think it is starting to confuse me even though he hasn't said anything along the lines of wanting to get back together, not that I want to get back with him is this normal?"

It's normal for a man who wants to pretend to himself that he hasn't done you mortal harm and behaved like a Grade A shit.

I would discourage you from agreeing to do anything with him. Apart from being confusing and cruel to you it will be doubly confusing for your child. You're apart because he tore your marriage asunder. And your heart with it. He shouldn't get to play at happy families when it suits him

Lilfroggi1 · 15/04/2016 23:38

Hi thanks for the advice I'm doing ok just been a bit up and down really and I haven't been sleeping as well so I don't think that is helping I have distanced myself from him as well that has helped a little too! I am going on a night away with my friends this weekend which I am really looking forward too but feel slightly nervous as I have en out locally since we separated but not away. My daughter is staying with my mother in law as my ex is working my daughter wasn't pleased that I was going out let alone away, as she hasn't been wanting to stay with him much she likes going for the day but that is it. I'm feeling guilty but I need time to myself as she has been quite hard work the last week, but that could be that we are both tired.

OP posts:
Lilfroggi1 · 03/05/2016 23:01

Hi all I had a nice time away for the weekend I went on but it seems so long ago now. Things have been up and down really or it is me getting confused with him wanting to spend time with us I think I have been trying to distance myself but keep finding it hard. I don't know how I'm feeling really about anything I think I will have to make decisions as I can't quite seem to move on fully any ideas how please?. My daughter also seems to be getting upset again saying she wants him home and that it was his mums fault that he won't come home I have tried to tell her that he won't be coming home as he doesn't want to I don't know if she mentions anything to him I don't want to ask out right as she doesn't say how much she is feeling..

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 04/05/2016 06:51

Hmm. Glad you got away. It sounds like your ex is saying things to your DD to manipulate her to support his plan to move back in because his new relationship didn't work out and now it's all his mother's fault. You deserve way better than this shit and no wonder it's dragging you down.

Lilfroggi1 · 05/05/2016 00:52

Thanks just feel so drained at the moment. The thing is he had never admitted there was anyone else and I haven't been told by anyone either. I was doing well really I've had counciling and I have asked for some more as I was only able to have 6 so that should help but I have to wait a few months for that . Just feel unsure about everything sorry for just moaning on here I find it helps when I can't sleep

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 05/05/2016 09:43

Why does he want to spend time with you all of a sudden. Call me cynical but I would presume it didn't work out with the OW and now he is trying to worm back into your life. I would not allow him over the threshold if I were you and I would certainly lodge your claim with the CMS. Time to take control and value yourself a bit more I feel.

Just because he didn't admit an OW it doesn't mean she doesn't exist.

You are doing really well, keep going x

Jan45 · 05/05/2016 14:01

You are never going to heal from this if you continue to leave the door open for him, he left, his choice, stop making it so easy for him to come in and out of your life, he has let you down massively and his daughter.

If I was you I'd assume it's definitely over and carry on making your plans, decorating the house etc, you and your daughter can have a good life together. I'd imagine he had a OW and now that's fizzled out he's worming his way back in, don't let him treat you so appallingly, no matter how hard it is, you will feel better about yourself if you are a bit assertive with him, he seems to have all the control, all the cards, just remember what he has done OP!

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