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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Flirting with manager

14 replies

espressomartinis · 22/12/2015 08:33

Have NC, can't really mention this to anyone in real life so thought I'd put it on here. I'm probably making a drama out of nothing, don't really know what I'm asking but bear with me... Think I just need to get it off my chest.

I've just started a new job following maternity leave (DD is 6 months old) and have a major crush on my boss. I realise how pathetic this sounds. There is a definite flirtation between the two of us. He makes me feel special. He has offered to drive me home, come over to my house with paperwork etc which seems beyond the call of a manager. If I was single I'd definitely go for drinks or something with him to see if there is anything there.

The problem is that I am married and DH knows my boss in a professional capacity. Our marriage isn't awful but it could be a lot better. We bicker constantly, he thinks I'm mad and I think he is lazy. We don't really have sex, when we do it's because I feel sorry for him. We have only been married 2 years.

DH even mentioned, as a joke, "I'm
sure James (manager) will be after you soon".

Typing this out does make it all sound quite silly. I keep fantasising of leaving DH and running of with my manager! How awful

OP posts:

Trills · 22/12/2015 08:46

If I was single I'd definitely go for drinks or something with him to see if there is anything there.

Would you? In a brand new job? With your boss? Not just someone higher up than you in the business but your actual boss?

I don't think you would. So don't think about "what would happen if I were single", because it's still nothing.

TheOddity · 22/12/2015 09:02

I think you have a very little baby, like most people the spark has gone out of your relationship a bit while getting used to all the drudgery, you get to feel a bit like a normal attractive woman at work and can safely flirt with someone knowing it will not lead to anything. Accept it as a fantasy that is keeping you sane while you are having a tough time adjusting to the reality of life with a small child. In the mean time, try and find ways to make yourself feel good OUTSIDE of work, like restarting a hobby, meeting with friends for drinks, putting on a nice outfit and going to the cinema with your husband, anything that makes you feel like you, because undoubtedly that is what you'll really be missing.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/12/2015 09:13

Your current flirtation with your manager is just that and is a further indication of how awful your marriage actually is. Your manager has shown you that you are both attractive and likeable; all the things that your DH should be doing and is not. He is being "nice" to you unlike your DH. Why does your DH think you are mad, has he called you such?. Life can be better for you but it is not with your DH or even with your manager either.

You really know nothing about your boss and the last thing you need is more relationship complications. He perhaps senses that you are vulnerable emotionally too and hones in on that.

Why are you and your DH still together?. What do you get out of this relationship now?. Is he interested in improving the marriage, does he state that there are indeed problems within it?. If it was not for your DD would you and your DH be together now?. Staying for the child rarely is ever a good idea, it will teach her that a loveless marriage is her "norm" as well.

pocketsaviour · 22/12/2015 09:14

Our marriage isn't awful but it could be a lot better. We bicker constantly, he thinks I'm mad and I think he is lazy. We don't really have sex

Sounds pretty awful to me, to be honest. What are the good points?

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 22/12/2015 09:24

You need to find a way of reframing this.

So, for example, this is the universe's way of telling you that things are not great in your marriage,but that that side of you I not dead yet and so you need to turn to face your marriage head on and either work with your husband to sort it out or end it and find great love elsewhere.

However, this is not the universe telling you to flirt with your boss in a new job. It expects you to know this is foolish.

Does that help?

IamlovedbyG · 22/12/2015 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Shutthatdoor · 22/12/2015 11:39

If a man had posted this, the advice would have been soooooo different.

Op, you have a 6 month old baby.

Time to grow up I think.

^ exactly this

DragonsCanHop · 22/12/2015 11:44

Sorry but you need to get a grip and your boss sounds like a sleaze.

Original poster

espressomartinis · 22/12/2015 13:05

Everyone's right, I need to grow up and get over it. I would never let anything actually happen. Like folkgirl said I think it's just been so long since I've felt attractive or wanted and that's down to the baby and marriage.

pocket I'm not really sure what the good points are, which is terrible. He's not unkind or anything like that. I just feel like I do absolutely everything, whilst now also working full time and DH just gets to enjoy himself. There is a lot of resentment. I try to talk to him about it, he makes the right noises but nothing ever changes.

OP posts:

BolshierAryaStark · 22/12/2015 13:30

You've been married 2 years?!
Whilst I appreciate you have a small child the marriage doesn't sound that great, after just 2 years I think this doesn't bode well.
Forget the boss, he sounds like he has form anyway. Decide if your husband is what you want & take it from there.

Ber2291 · 22/12/2015 13:37

You need to decide what it is, a silly flirtation that makes you feel nice? Or something more? I have this with a colleague but have a good marriage and don't ever entertain the idea of leaving DH and would never want to.

All pp s are of course right that you need to think properly about your marriage independent of this.

Funinthesun15 · 22/12/2015 14:41

Sorry but a marriage going through a rough time is no excuse for either a physical or emotional affair.

If you decide you can no longer be in your marriage you end it before embarking on another one.

Jan45 · 22/12/2015 16:41

He makes you feel special cos your marriage is shit, either decide to commit to your DH if he is willing of course and give it your last shot or do the right thing and move on.

Don't ever mix business with pleasure, it never works out well.

Don't look to your boss to fill that void, look to yourself.

pocketsaviour · 22/12/2015 17:06

I just feel like I do absolutely everything, whilst now also working full time and DH just gets to enjoy himself. There is a lot of resentment. I try to talk to him about it, he makes the right noises but nothing ever changes.

Well then I'm not surprised you're feeling shit and throwing wistful looks at someone who is giving you a bit of attention (and whose bad points you don't know. He might not be lazy but he might be a nose picker!)

You say you've talked to your H but nothing has changed - that sounds like your H doesn't really care much about making your life less stressful. When you've talked, has he said "Yes, I will commit to doing tasks X, Y and Z on Mon, Wed and Fri, plus thing A on the weekend" or has it just been "Oh babes, I'm sorry, of course I'll help you a bit more" in a really vague way?

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