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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I'm bloody livid

16 replies

Bloodywellhowmuch · 22/12/2015 01:59

Tonight (8:30pm) I text across to my stbexh some details about our eldest son and his health, after a few texts I decided it would be easier to speak to my ex rather than text so I asked if he was 'out'. This means to us if he is out with his new bit and that he doesn't want to talk. He said he was and I said it didn't matter as it wasn't urgent. And it wasn't I just wanted to talk to him regarding our son needing his w/chair after 2 years without using it and the implications of that, especially as the pain relief he is using has gone up considerably in the last week (ex already aware of that).

He text back 2.5 hrs later to see if I wanted to talk to him and I completely lost it with him, called him names and told him to stay with his bit as I'd dealt with it without him and that if he wanted to be involved with the kids then perhaps he should find some more time for them instead of seeing one of them once a week but finding time to go out 4 nights out of the last 5 (saw youngest on the other night) with his bit, after claiming he works away so can't see the kids anymore than that, and after our youngest skipped school last week (why bother going if he doesn't want to and he has had some really terrible behaviour these last few weeks).

My ex came back from working away Thursday (a day early due to a change in the working arrangements) and didn't come to see him so that we could put on a united front about the bad behaviour as he had already made plans to go out. But then rang to complain about him not going to school to me, even though I had got him up, dressed and ready for school before I left for uni at 7:15 (he went back to bed).

Some of the info is for back ground but I am livid that my ex can be such a twat and still find it to be my fault that everything is falling apart because I asked him and his wandering cock to leave.

I don't even know why I'm posting, I think it's to get it all off my chest before I explode.

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 22/12/2015 02:05

So you text to talk, he said he was busy, you said not to worry and it wasn't urgent, right?

He calls back when he can give you his full attention and you call him names, shout at him and refer to his girlfriend as 'his bit'?

Why?

Original poster

Bloodywellhowmuch · 22/12/2015 02:11

Because texting me whilst his bit is in the shower and he's drunk is not how I imagined speaking to him about our sons illness. I text at 8:30 as that's when he would have finished work/been for run so would have time to talk.

I call her his bit as he wont even tell me her name but likes to tell me what they do in bed together.

I have tried to speak to him about our youngest everyday since Thursday but he has been 'out' and unable to talk to me.

OP posts:

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 22/12/2015 02:17

Then stop bothering. Write him off.

If he can't spare some time for his child then he's not worth bothering with.

Fuck him. He's not worth your anger.

MsMims · 22/12/2015 02:23

She's his girlfriend not 'his bit', surely? It's understandable to feel bitter towards her if she was instrumental in the breakdown of your marriage but it was your soon to be ex who betrayed you, not her.

I agree with PP, if he can't be arsed then stop chasing him. Sounds like you're having to manage on your own anyway so remove him from the equation - it's an added stress you don't need.

bessiebumptious2 · 22/12/2015 03:17

If you stop keeping him informed about his son, it won't be long before he starts complaining about not knowing. You can't win but you need to lower your expectations, unfortunately. At least you won't be disappointed.

You might get a better reaction to 'non urgent' things if you text him and say that you need to speak to him asap but it's not urgent so can he call you when he's free. Changing how you deal with him might make him wake up a bit.

If it isn't urgent, but just an update, then stop expecting him to drop everything immediately.

TheHouseOnTheLane · 22/12/2015 03:50

OP it is hard Dealing with a child with an illness AND the pain of your ex having a relationship.

I understand.

I hope things improve for you and DS soon.xx

SongBird16 · 22/12/2015 07:20

I understand too. It is so hard when you are hurting, and struggling, and trying to hold everything together. Even harder if you are forced to watch your ex moving on, enjoying life and seemingly shirking his responsibilities.

I don't blame you for calling her his 'bit'. If that's the worst you call her then you're doing well.

All of this pain manifests as anger, some of it completely justified, and some of it a bit irrational.

On this occasion I don't think your ex did anything wrong. You asked if he was free to talk, told him it didn't matter when he said he wasn't, then lost it when he phoned you back later anyway.

But in the wider context he sounds like an idiot. You can't make him care and you can't make him a better dad. Trying to do both will disappoint and hurt you. I agree with the poster who said that you should change the way you communicate, to protect yourself.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 07:25

So you text to talk, he said he was busy, you said not to worry and it wasn't urgent, right?

He calls back when he can give you his full attention and you call him names, shout at him and refer to his girlfriend as 'his bit'?

This is what I was thinking.

What do you actually want the situation to be?

CallieTorres · 22/12/2015 07:30

Nicely put songbird

HandyWiseWoman · 22/12/2015 07:31

Agree completely with SongBird

Sounds like you have had an extremely tough week on your own with the dc.

Him not even bothering to receive a phone call about them because he is too busy acting like a teenager. Likes to tell you what they do in bed but not her name - ewwww, bloody hell mate. You lost it - I can understand that.

He won't understand it though and will tell his bit that you are mental.

He isn't going to change. Can you get him to have the dc more? Is he having them much over the hols? Make sure he has them as much as poss so it's not all falling on your shoulders.

Time to start being a bit less generous about updates and a bit more business like. Protect yourself.

Sending and

PrincessHairyMclary · 22/12/2015 07:44

I don't talk to my ex in the week, just give him an update when he picks DD up.

It must be harder with a child who is ill but it will be a lot easier for you to accept you are parenting solo and to not expect things from him as he will always disappoint you and make you feel like crap.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 22/12/2015 08:10

Sounds like he's having a gay old time in a new relationship, out socialising and putting his family on hold. All the while you're wading through the mire. I completely understand your anger, you don't have a duty to be the bigger, calmer person all the time.

What Songbird said, basically. You can't change him or make him a better dad, it's up to him, don't hurt yourself trying.

and for you.

Original poster

Bloodywellhowmuch · 22/12/2015 09:48

Thanks for the support everyone. I know I should just let it roll over me but I am trying to be a good parent that shares the info about our kids.

I can't make him be a better parent if he doesn't want to be.

He is seeing our youngest on Xmas day (here) for an hour or so and then taking him the normal over night on Boxing Day. He is then seeing him on the 30 and 31st (after I asked if he was seeing him any extra) but delivering him back early on the 1st and then won't see him again till the weekend after (9th jan). So I suppose yes he is seeing him an extra night, my ex has 2 weeks at home over Xmas with no work. But can only make one extra night

Our DD won't even speak to him and doesn't even see her dad at all.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/12/2015 09:54

Sharing info is good, and admirable. Don't expect anything back from him, though. He'll constantly disappoint you otherwise.

Ideally, share info in a method that allows you to communicate and him to read it when he has time - a text or email or something. This gives you a record that you told him, and it stops you having to wait around for him to be free. It also stops you from being aware when he's out with his girlfriend, which is just making you angry.

You're right, you can't make him a better parent than he wants to be, arguing with him won't change him, and your anger is an exhausted and completely wasted emotion at the moment. There's no benefit to it at all.

For your own sake, though, detach from him and his girlfriend (and don't refer to her as his "bit"). The less you know, the less it hurts.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/12/2015 09:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 10:29

I am trying to be a good parent that shares the info about our kids.

What anchor said. Make it a one-way communication, and don't expect anything in return. Would email work?

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