mate of guy im seeing makes a pass at me....what to do

[Totty24]

been seeing a guy since October, so still early days.
Friday evening he came over, he had had a bad day, so we stayed in chilled chatted, he stayed over, had sex twice, following morning we stayed in bed for 3 hours chatting, he probably more than me, not just lying with arm round me but really holding me tight. we finally get up for food, chatting all the while then he leaves as his family have made plans to get together. he is open and honest with me what they are doing, plans change, he lets me know. when we are not together there is a fairly contestant stream of messaging between us, averaging 100 plus a day.... some days more some less depending on how busy we are what we are upto

I was out sat night, with my friends, there were a few groups of my friends. he knows I'm out.

I guess he is out, send him a message, asking where he is at, don't get a reply.... he walks into the pub I'm in, and is quite stand offish with me, he is with his sister and mate, they have been drinking for quite a while but I had been drinking too so didn't notice how drunk they were or were not... they then make a plan to go somewhere else, I'm staying with my friends, so the guy I'm seeing says send me a message in half an hour with where you are at as his phone only had 3% battery.... I forget!

later on I lost my friends so just nip into a pub for a wee before trying to find them, bump into they guy I'm seeing, his sister and mate again, so hang out with them, go to few more places, over a couple of hours, and my guy is still a bit stand offish.... then while I'm chatting to his 'mate' the mate makes a pass at me, I push him away, and head straight over to my guy, he instantly can see something is up, and asks, so I tell him..... we leave, mate and sister as well, my guy walks a head with sister, I cant keep up, bad shoes, mate stays with me, and tries it on again... I ask him what thinks he is doing... he says to me 'cant you see 'my guy' doesn't want a girlfriend' ...... my guy and sister wait for us to catch up, I call a cab 'my guy' wont come back with me, he lives with his sister and was going to be back in town the following day at 2pm to meet friends before catching a train to another city for a night out there to celebrate his birthday which is today, so I understand why he wasn't coming back with me..... however while waiting for taxi... I say your 'mate' told me you don't want a girlfriend he said ' perhaps I dont' ..... taxi arrived, I left

following morning I messaged him first,(which is normal as I usually wake first) saying 'hope you have a great time away, can you try not to tell your mates how great I am pls so they don't make a pass at me pls' jokingly, he apologises, and now we seem to be back to normal on the messaging thing.... he will be back tonight after being on the raz for the whole while he was away, it is difficult to know what to do, and I'm not sure if we will even manage to meet up before Christmas.... just don't know weather to sweep under carpet or try and discuss..... thing is it is early days, I know I do what a boyfriend, but don't know him well enough to know if I want it to be him, but I do like him a lot....... just don't know what to think of it all...... sorry for such a long post

Furniture/admin/computer
JohnThomas apt nn for this thread

Sorry JohnThomas69 I'm not really sure I understand your post

Tbh I'm rather glad that you didn't having been in similar situation. Last thing I needed was others adding to the misery by questioning previous actions of partner that had not crossed my mind.

So what are you saying JohnThomas69?

He is slagging other contributors off, totty.

I kind of agree with john thomas. Why would you all rub salt into the wounds? It's really uncalled for. It's like a race to the bottom on here sometimes.

Op, i think you should give this guy a really wide berth, he doesn't sound mature enough for a relationship.

But i'm not cringing for you. You were just a little bit pissed and wanted to see your bloke? Why shouldn't you? His behaviour was weird, not yours.

Look, I'm happy to be corrected if her boyfriend (I'm not sure it is a boyfriend yet, all this 'my guy' stuff) came over to help and they didn't have sex.

I'm not suggesting if they did have sex that OP swapped sex for furniture removal.

OP asked why he would have come over and helped her, if he wasn't genuinely interested.

One reason could be that he was getting sex out of it.

Yes, that's cynical. But it's not unrealistic, is it? Especially given that this man then was off with her when they saw each other on the town.

I don't post in a race to the bottom I post because from her own description, the OP has been treated badly and I feel for her.

Bottom line, she thought they were potentially going to boyfriend and girlfriend - he said maybe I don't want that and ignored her, instead of being excited to see her.

I don't think you should date anyone who isn't excited to see you.

And JohnThomas69 with your childish name, if that makes me a wannabe relationship guru, I don't think it's a bad basic, do you?

Thank you, I understand now! Oh well better realising sooner rather than later

So saying "YY i'm cringing for you" and describing the image you have of her in her shoes was a race to the top was it? Because that's being helpful and supportive right enough.

I don't think it's a bad thing to stop and consider how it looks from the outside, no.

Can be a short sharp shock but a helpful one.

I read the book "He's Just Not That Into You" after a friend told me too - because I was being silly about someone. The stark reality of recognising how I looked from the outside was really effective.

Basically, I found it very easy to stop my silly behaviour when I became embarrassed for myself.

OP, if this was your daughter what would you tell her. ? It's always a good question to ask yourself when in the middle of a relationship that is making you anything less than very happy. Sometimes it's hard to see from the inside. If your dd was ignored by her 'guy' whilst his mate made passes at her and he took no notice, would you tell her he is someone worth making an effort for or advise that she fucks him right off. ? You are not valuing yourself with this arrangement .

Right, so you figured it out for yourself by reading a book that your friend recommended = helpful.

Shaming someone on a forum asking for help because you've read the book and you want them to learn from your experience = not helpful.

He doesn't sound like a decent person. If a complete stranger in my group was freaked out after unwanted sexual contact from another member of the group (you had to push him off) no way on earth would I walk off and leave them alone with that person. To do so when he could be expected to care about your feelings is twattish.

Ooh and I loved Totty

You're 40?! I was thinking you would all be early twenties, god knows I did some dumb things and valued myself very little back then. Honestly this fella is not worth bothering with. Someone who ignores you in front of his family and friends, then ignores his mate basically sexually assaulting you (you had to physically push him off FFS) is just a waste of time.

This isn't the guy for you. Find someone who most definitely does want a partner, and wants that partner to be you.

Totty, why not just ask him about it? Don't take any crap, stand up for yourself and demand to know what the hell he was playing at and let him know it's not an acceptable way to treat you? I think his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. I have the feeling though that he's implying to his friends that you're just a shag

Wishicouldfly I think I will, i will wait till I see him and from the other posts clarifying to me what was so wrong with his behaviour I feel im in a strong position to make a clear point of being able to explain why and stand up for myself and will see what he says and how he reacts.

Thank you all though for your input it has really helped me know what was so wrong with his behaviour and why