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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

why would he do this?

27 replies

whatamerryxmas · 21/12/2015 21:54

I dont really know where to start my heads so jumbled but i had a really strange sexual experience with my partner at the weekend and could do with knowing whether im overreacting
Partner doesnt live with me so came over for dinner
We got a bit wasted and started kissing ( hes never normally sexual at all towards me so at this point i was loving it )
Then he grabbed me by my hair n held my face right up to his going on about we should have a safe word? And something about strangling me with tinsel
If this all sounds so ridiculous im sorry i feel daft even asking but am i overreacting as at the time i was so shocked ( and wasted ) i just tried to ignore it but now its playing on my mind

OP posts:

OuchLegoHurts · 21/12/2015 21:55

Why is he never sexual?

timelytess · 21/12/2015 22:00

Run.
He isn't interested in ordinary sex but he's turned on by strangling you?
Run.

Original poster

whatamerryxmas · 21/12/2015 22:01

I have no idea why hes never sexual, he is when hes wasted though but never like that before

OP posts:

Mince314 · 21/12/2015 22:01

Whaaat? so you never have sex, but he wants to go straight to strangling you?

I can't think of anything I'd hate more, safe word or not. The no sex is one thing, but the fact that he got turned on by the thoughts of strangling you would horrify me.

Lweji · 21/12/2015 22:03

Looks like he's repressing something.
And those sort of sex games while drunk are not safe at all.

I also don't like that he introduced the topic while physically restraining you and assuming a threatening position.

This would be the end for me.

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 22:29

I would stop getting wasted with him.

Tbh, life's too short to be with someone who has to get wasted to want sex with you. Who needs that shit?

The safe word stuff isn't for me, but some people like it. The time to introduce it isn't when you're wasted and threatening - very disrespectful.

Tbh though, even though strangulation does it for some people, I personally think it's far too dangerous to mess about with - people die, there was a Portuguese woman in the paper just last week actually.

But all that aside - never do anything alternative or otherwise with someone who is only interested in sex when drunk.

Original poster

whatamerryxmas · 21/12/2015 22:30

Thank you and glad to see im not overreacting
He jazzed it all up as a joke and didnt try anything like that but we did have really rough sex it seems to be getting rougher and rougher every time ( on the occasional time it does happen )

OP posts:

Joysmum · 21/12/2015 22:33

Rough sex when drink with an occasional partner could be very dangerous.

Seriously, please stop putting yourself at risk when this is getting rougher each time and he's talking like that.

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 22:45

So he only has sex when wasted and it's rough, and getting rougher.

(which is clearly not your thing, and frankly it isn't most women's thing - I like a man to be energetic and dominant, but that's not rough. I don't want to sleep with someone who doesn't care if they hurt me, or gets off on hurting me)

Why are you with him?

Original poster

whatamerryxmas · 21/12/2015 22:46

Hes not an occasional partner hes my boyfriend i guess that makes it worse

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 21/12/2015 22:47

I think Joysmum meant occasional SEXUAL partner. As in - only on the occasions when he's wasted and hurting you.

Mince314 · 21/12/2015 23:13

Yes, agree with Cabrinha, somebody who got off on hurting me, that would kill everything for me, the attraction, the relationship... eugh, good bye. I don't want to be deliberately hurt for the gratification of somebody who should want to be caring and affectionate. Oh boy. Just not for me, I would bail.

goddessofsmallthings · 21/12/2015 23:19

You're not overreacting.

As there are no words, safe or otherwise, that you can say while being strangled, you're best advised to end your relationship with this sexual deviant before you find yourself being choked to the point of unconsciousness, or worse, with something considerably stronger than tinsel.

Heed this warning, OP, and tell him to fuck off forever while you've still got the voice to do so.

Original poster

whatamerryxmas · 22/12/2015 00:26

I think youre right, just dropped off and dreamt about him holding me by my hair and saying that...stupid!

OP posts:

munkynutts · 22/12/2015 00:43

I don't understand why you'd be with a man who only has sex occasionally. How often is that?

This scares the shit out of me and I would be running. I don't think you understand how terrifying this is, especially since you say its getting rougher.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2015 10:19

I bet he's a habitual porn watcher as well.
Does he smoke weed or take drugs?
Please get away from him.
How long has he been your BF?

jamhot · 22/12/2015 10:31

Safe words are no use if you're unable to speak due to strangulation going too far.

I agree with PPs that it sounds like he is repressing his true sexual urges when sober. Vanilla sex doesn't do it for him.

If your first thought to his suggestion wasn't "wahey!, then this chap isn't a keeper for you.

Joysmum · 22/12/2015 10:35

Yep sorry, should have worded that better

Seriously, if both of you are wasted and he's getting rougher, you're putting yourself at greater and greater risk.

ImperialBlether · 22/12/2015 10:39

God, this is a no-brainer! Get out as fast as you can!

Enoughalreadyyou · 22/12/2015 10:43

He sounds dangerous. Get rid.

FredaMayor · 22/12/2015 11:01

I agree re the porn habit. BF is using you to to act it out in RL, it's nothing to do with your relationship, which sounds ropey to say the least. Cut your losses, OP.

FredaMayor · 22/12/2015 11:02

I'm sorry - no pun intended.

AnAngelsSins · 22/12/2015 12:18

This sounds really scary. Does he have rape fantasies or something? I'm not against a bit of BDSM but what you've described is not the same thing. Have you ever asked him why he only wants sex when he's drunk?

Pannn · 22/12/2015 12:26

He may be your boyfriend but you don't know him at all. He will have a number of inter-personal issues and relating to you or any person male or female in a healthy way is just one of them.

Unless you wish to buy into a long time of insecurity, low level fear and his drama persona then I'd be out of there and fairly immediately.

Original poster

whatamerryxmas · 23/12/2015 00:23

Thank you, this has really made me think.....

OP posts:

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