Men jumping into bed with someone else after a split

[HDTVontheblink]

Do you think men see sex diferrently to women?

I just split from my ex (I ended it) and within a week he slept with someone else. I was gutted there was no mourning period as I couldn't have thought of anything worse than being with someone else after him like that and it really hurt me and made me feel I meant nothing to him.

Are not all people like me?

sounds like you had a lucky escape then. You called his bluff-it didn't work. He moved on albeit a bit quickly.

Trouble is, people don't often behave as we think they should. I speak from recent experience

Well done you then, that you acted to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Now you don't have to torture yourself that you did the right thing.

Be proud that you wouldn't settle for less.

And shout a "next" of your own! Don't naval gaze too long over him.

He's done nothing wrong sleeping with someone else. She is stirring by telling you, but you shouldn't have checked it with him. Time for you to move on now. Don't know seeing someone else as a strategy for that!

Okay Cabrinha, fair point, I probably should give details if I expect people to understand better how I feel.

There are two stories...the one I thought before this, and the one I think now based on this news.

This is what I thought went on:

We met, he liked me a lot, he went after me, I started to like him too, we got together, we had a great relationship for a little while that felt full of fun and chemistry and possibility and then he started pulling away at the point of real intimacy. He told me it was fear of getting to close and being hurt. I displayed the patience of a saint for some time, tried to work around it for a while, tried to be patient, lost my shit a few times too, all it was doing was creating hostility in me. I told him in the end that I wanted to be with someone who knew what I was worth and was willing to deliver on it. He said he was really devastated and didn't want it to be over. I expected he would think of over, get his act together and we could start off on a clean slate.

The one I think now is that he didn't care about me like he said he did, never cared that much, was probably talking to this woman before we even split up and couldn't have cared less that I ended it because he had something else lined up as his next chapter.

I will allow for a third possibility which is that he did care, and was sad but accepted he couldn't give me the commitment I wanted but I do think he actually just liked us both. He's not the type to sleep with someone he doesn't like. He's never had a one night stand in his entire life.

So it hurt me!

Ooooh so you didn't really want to split up, you dumped him so he would beg you to get back together?
It's a risky game which didn't pay off. Sorry you are hurting though.

Thanks Cabrinha. I only checked it with him because she is a person I knew as after him when we were together. I thought it might have been going on beforehand, but it appeared she'd been chasing him long befor he and I got together so why on earth he didn't just sleep with her then is beyond me.

It wasn't a game BackInTheRealWorld.

There was no risk in it.

The alternative was to stay in a relationship with someone who was only half there.

I didn't "expect" him to beg me back. I hoped he would. I thought the alternative was that he would lick his wounds and we would both move on.

I didn't see this as a possibility of how he would deal with it.

Maybe he didn't want to sleep with her back then. But when you dumped him he thought fuck it, why not.
Either way, no point beating yourself up about it. Just remember the relationship wasn't making you happy so accept the split is final, and of your own choosing. You did right. Even if it doesn't feel like it just now.

And the irony is, he is begging me back now

After the fact.

Sorry, we keep cross posting.
But my point stands. Don't dwell any further. Time to move on.

Maybe he didn't want to sleep with her back then. But when you dumped him he thought fuck it, why not.

That's what he said happenned.

I think I am finding it hard because sex for me isn't so easy. I have to be really close to someone and care about them to want to have sex with them.

I know not everyone is like that.

I know not to dwell.

I just wish he'd cared a bit more than he did. Both before and after.

Ahh...what everyone feels I suppose there isn't it? Just venting. I know we can't always be cared about in the way we want. And i also know it cements my decision as the right one.

Yes that is all you can do, use this to validate your original decision. It sucks, it does. Even as the dumper it sucks sometimes. Xx

You deserve better than this.
Go into 2016 with a clean slate and fine someone who rewally wants to be with you.

And i also know it cements my decision as the right one.
I think this is a very positive place to be, post break up. Making a big decision in relationships can be so hard because you never know if it was the right thing to do.
In this case, it looks as though it definitely was the right thing to do.
Upthread you said smth along the lines that you can't expect to be cared about how you want - I totally disagree. You were with a man who made you feel unhappy and when pushed went off and 'moved on' pretty damn quickly.
I really hope you don't take him back because ime people like this don't change. You deserve to find someone who will make you happy and will do anything to do this, not give it a half arsed approach.

Thanks everyone. Appreciate it.

I think it was just because he gave the promise of not being half arsed, and set up such a lot of expectation with the effort and consistent determination he showed into being with me and us being a match. Always hard to swallow when that doesn't materialise. I just thought it was going to be diferrent. I really did think that!

Doesn't help I am ill in my bed, or that Christmas is approaching. He's off home for the week with his family and messaging me that he misses me.

I don't think I could take him back emotionally even if I wanted to once I stop beign so angry. I could have taken him back, but his reaction to hurting and subsequently being faced with the real threat of losing me was to just fill the gap with someone else. I don't see a foundation there for me to feel cared for :(

Doesn't help that while she is not amazingly pretty or seemingly a very nice person she looks so fun on her Facebook page. I wasn't stalking her, she sent me a message.

So there was I being the nagging girlfriend and MISS FUN comes along. All her photos are of her with pints of beer and burgers and general FUN that I feel like the least fun person on the planet! And she's thinner than me. Small point to pick on, but just wondering if she looked better naked. she's absolutely nothing like me at all.

Really ashamed of this train of though, but there go I! Wondering if she was better!

Men always do that !
Seen it first hand & with girl friends.

You're trying to get your head right/ mentally pick up the pieces & boom they've stuck it in a total roaster.

It's closure / burned bridges if nothing else..

I know this doesn't help when you're hurting, but I'm bloody pleased for you.

Every day on here I read threads where the OP is fucking miserable (not just a bit unhappy, but fucking miserable) and they are STILL in the bloody toxic mess. I feel for them, obviously there are complex emotions at work for a woman to put up with utter shit.

It's a breath of flipping fresh air to read you post "- I stood my ground, set out what I wanted, he didn't measure up, I'm hurting now, but it was the right thing.

High fucking five, HDTV!

This too shall pass.

Oh and I'd like every girl to be taught at school that if a man says he's scared to get close in case he gets hurt, they're to just eye roll him.

Every single person on here who I've ever read posting that codswallop has also had a catalogue of shit to post.

1. Most men, it's manipulative bullshit - I'm not going to give you the commitment (time / emotion / intimacy) you want, and this is such a handy phrase because then you'll feel sorry for me and be patient and fix me instead of telling me to jog on.

Tell me this - any of these men who are too scared to get close, ever not want to have sex, because they're SOOOOOO SCARED?
Utter bullshit.

1. If you find the one who really was hurt and is scared (can you hear my eyes rolling?!) then they can fuck off to therapy and come back when they're scared but willing. It's OK to be scared. But you have to be willing. Otherwise, see point 1.

You should prepare now for the news that they are loved up, in a relationship and will live happy ever after - as if she has been chasing him for so long - why would it stop at a ONS?

You have ever right to your feelings - they are real - but you cannot judge how he chooses to live when a free agent.

It's all well & good deciding you don't want to be with someone anymore but that doesn't mean you want anyone else to have them,
Classic human nature!

Try not torture yourself too much, once you're feel in a bit better go out & get under someone else, it's the only way

OP, it's simple ; ' if a man doesn't worship the ground you walk on, FUCK HIM OFF' end of. No excuses, no blah blah blah frightened of commitment ... There is no such thing for the person you love with all your heart, it's just bullshit excuses to string you along, pass the time with someone to sleep with, until 'the one' arrives. I guarantee you, she is 'the one' because she wouldn't put up with this nonsense and he knows it. My DH has hit the nail on the head when he tells our dd's that the 'sexiest' trait in any woman is confidence in their own self worth.

Thanks guys. Such wise words.

Cabrinha, it did take eery ounce of balls I had to do it.

Thanks Marilyn

Awesome words there

Most men, it's manipulative bullshit - I'm not going to give you the commitment (time / emotion / intimacy) you want, and this is such a handy phrase because then you'll feel sorry for me and be patient and fix me instead of telling me to jog on.

Tell me this - any of these men who are too scared to get close, ever not want to have sex, because they're SOOOOOO SCARED?
Utter bullshit.

If you find the one who really was hurt and is scared (can you hear my eyes rolling?!) then they can fuck off to therapy and come back when they're scared but willing. It's OK to be scared. But you have to be willing. Otherwise, see point 1

Cabrinha

That is absolute truth. So tempted to txt him this back to his request to meet up with me.

Brilliant, and obviously completely true.

People DO sometimes have a genuine fear of intimacy, but if they feel it's a problem...go to fucking therapy. Don't get a girlfriend and treat her like shite!