Update

[devasted]

Hi i posted in oct about my husbands infidelity and bad temper etc. Just thought i would update, i have moved out with the children.
He is still being verbally abusive and trying to be controlling with little success. Its only since moving out that i realise how abusive he was to both me and the children. He views them as possesions and has asked me many times 'when am i going to see the bloody kids'.

He is a nasty piece of work and has got with a woman who cheated on her partner to be with him. They deserve each other. Long may they both make each other happy.

Whenever there has been contact between us he has been rude, aggressive and re writing history so that he has it in his head (and is probably telling everyone) that he didnt cheat on me whilst we were together even though i have proof that he did! He has totally minimised the marriage so that he thinks i was never supportive and he behaved fine throughout.
What a tosser cant believe i married him. He is so cold and doesnt seem to care one iota about me or the kids now. Its like 6 and a half years meant nothing to him. Did it? Or is he re writing history so he can justify what he did by cheating and behaving so badly towards me. - but he is even denying that what happened actually happened iyswim?

Its so hurtful its like he has switched his feelings off for me overnight. I know i am better off without him but it still hurts so much how he has behaved and stupidly i cant switch my feelings off. I dont love him anymore but i still have feelings.

Enjoy the space. Don't try to figure him out. ALthough, I say that, but I know it was a phase I had to go through. Don't torture yourself. It was him, not you. Stay free.

Firstly, well done for dumping such a sorry excuse for a man.

Sadly, I don't think his feelings have switched off overnight. He probably still has the same feelings. Which is why he cheated, was abusive and controlling. He was using you, rather than loving you.

For your sake, don't reply to his messages or discuss your marriage with him.
Just keep contact in relation to the children. And if he refers to the children in that way, ignore the message. If anything, just reply once saying you don't know which "bloody" children he is referring to.

And I'd (well, I do with exH) keep contact strictly in writing, preferably by email, so that you can direct it all to a separate folder and only read them when you need to.

Thanks for your replies. Am trying not to torture myself but it is hard. Yes Lweji i think he was using me. I dont think he ever loved me looking back. And thats hard 6.5 years and it meant nothing to him, other than him getting his own way. And yes the way he talked about the children is awful who calls their own kids 'bloody kids'.
Its hard to stop thinking about him and the marriage although i know i need to. Its just he isolated me for so long i have no friends and now have moved to a different area that aside from family i dont really know anyone.

It's perfectly understandable. He has acted as many abusers, to isolate you and make you dependent on him.
You are going through a natural process of grievance and it's natural that he and the marriage are quite frequently in your thoughts.
You will need to create a new reality with your children. New habits and a new normal. It takes a bit of work but it will come. :)

How old are your kids? Are there any hobbies you could take up which would get you out of the house and meeting new people? It's hard to forget someone and stop obessing about "why did he do this to me" when you're sat in on your own after the kids have gone to bed, IME.

They are 5, and 2. I cant think of any hobbies tbh. I think because he ground me down in so many ways for so long and isolated me i dont have a true sense of identity iykwim. All i was was a wife and mother and now im just a mother. And i dont know how to be anything else.

Im starting the freedom programme in January and am not looking to get into another relationship for a long time if ever tbh as i want to create my own sense of identity i want to remain independent and have my own home i dont want to become reliant on anyone else again as i dont think i will ever trust again.

Its just looking back there were red flags but i didnt see them. I wish i had would never have married the bastard had i known what he was like but he deceived me for years. Its only since the last year or so that i have found out what he is like. And he has only ever admitted to what i can prove but i know there must be more.

I feel so sorry for our kids. Having him as their father. He is truly awful. And they deserve so much better than him.

But they have a great mum. :)

do you have a job , op? When i ended up on my own with my 3 , my job was my salvation- not just for the $$ {as he gave us 0} but because it kept me busy and kept my mind off the past -which is gone and cannot be changed. So altho we have to work thru the shit , it's better to keep it away from the new life you are creating and confine it to as little time and energy as poss. I chose never to talk to any one about my past as talking kept it alive. I didn't have Mn then tho! I wish you the best,op. You have taken the first brave step along the path to a better life for you and your dc.