Impending Divorce - I don't know where to start, please help

[Loubycee1]

Hi everyone I wondered if you could help, I've done so wrong and so lost.

Basically had a lovely home and family, still do but husband is filing for divorce. On the grounds of my behaviour - mental state not been healthy and after rehab I returned home, relapsed and did something a healthy person wouldn't consider. It could have resulted in social workers taking the children (they are unaware of this particular incident but I'm sure OH will be happy to update them). Please don't read that as abuse of any nature, it isn't.

My life is a mess, all my fault, and I now will have to move out, leave the children to be cared for by a husband that works full time and with childminders etc.

I have no money, savings etc as everything - mortgage, car, mobile, utilities, cards, are in his name. We have no joint account. I have been bad with money in the past so in his words says he has bailed me out so anything from the house he'll probably include that.

Where on earth do I start? Looks like I'll be on the street. Without my children, with nothing. My family are miles away so I'd have to stay around locally for the children with a view to having them with me when I've proven I can.

OH earns too much on paper so we get no other help anyway.

Really confused. I couldn't even think about paying for someone to help me understand the divorce papers or fighting for my children.

Thanks in advance.

I think first you need to see the GP and claim benefits, so a CAB appointment. You will need support around housing and budgeting money. Will you be allowed unsupervised contact with the children, if not a one bedroom place is required.

Don't be harsh on your exh, he is doing the right thing by the children.

I hope your health is supported by your GP.

How old are your dc and have you been a sahm/their primary carer?

Are you receiving any assistance from mental health professionals who can help you get to grips with the divorce papers? Have you received a copy of your h's petition to divorce?

It's by no means certain that you will lose your home or be left without the werewithal to buy/rent a property on divorce, but if you become homeless and are classed as a vulnerable adult your local authority will have a statutory duty to provide you with accomodation.

I would suggest you make contact with MIND asap and also call their legal advice line when it re-opens on January 11: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

Hi howtorebuild thank you for your rapid reply. I'm not being harsh, he is the most caring and generous person although I feel somewhat controlled.

I think he will aim for supervised contact. I would prefer if they don't live with me that they come to me fortnight weekends and school hols, will have to find out more about that.

GP fully aware of my health, as are Bupa. I'll arrange a CAB appointment, unsure how to get there with no money and no use of the car, he'll probably want to take me there himself but I don't know what's going on with his solicitor so I don't want him to know when I have appointments for advice either...

"All my fault"
"... although I feel somewhat controlled"

Do the statements sit well together?

He can drive you to CAB or GP and sit in the waiting room whilst you get private advice.

Contact will be based on SS recommendations surely? SS will want feedback on your health I imagine to help make a plan.

I admit I've caused mistrust. Grounds for divorce.

I felt okay with a kind of control as long as I walked to collect children but was allowed to work, until he said about divorce. Now won't let me work (various cleaning, gardening etc). He has gradually taken on every penny of finance since I left office work.

The reason for the post is really where to start moving forward myself with divorce, housing and finances whilst I repair my health and enjoy time with my children.

It's hard to know what's going on as you are vague. I know if you have say bipolar with poor financial self control on a high then it's understandable that a partner wouldn't want you to have free reign with finances, if you have say a history of buying ten DVD players or gambling away the house in a bipolar high most people would understand his stance to prioritise housing the children, utilities, food, clothing and a nice Christmas for them over you.

Fairly stated. I became an alcoholic from late Dec 2014 following some depression issues and inability to focus on anything. I've been to rehab and 2 weeks later ruined everything. He was in control of finances long before then after I'd been made redundant 4 times from PA and marketing roles, when I paid for electric/gas, home insurance, childcare and other bits if I could. It was then clear I was overspending - gifts, clothes, going out. He then took over items ex. childcare as I was then able to collect from nursery/school etc

He has never had to miss doing anything because all he had was 20p and no petrol, I was always too proud to ask for anything.

He's doing the right thing for him and the children I know that and understand it.

I will deal with the divorce issues as they arrive but I need to know that my childrens' Mum is not going to be homeless and penniless whilst I deal with health issues and how to get my children back when I am on my feet.

If I'm vague it's because I'm typing fast whilst a few tears, I've never been independent and now have to start from scratch and rebuild my life but had nowhere to start.

CAB it is.

If you are given a one bedroom home, you can get a sofa bed and give your room to the children when you get unsupervised contact.

They will be worried about you being drunk around the children then.

Did you discover in rehab what the underlying cause if any of your depression is? Have they checked your bloods, vitamin levels, sleep study things like that to rule out physical causes? I have found out later in life that my depression was caused by physical health problems, combined with neglect from lazy doctors and situational life experience.

Thanks again, we deduced what it may be and still monitoring bloods, will be going to have CBT sessions. There are certain physical things we are still testing as well as recording sleep which has been all over the place for years.

I thought one bedroom too for that reason. I have not been drunk with them when he has been away only when he was present but that goes against me regardless so can't argue that one.

It sounds like your health is being managed.

I hope CAB help you regarding housing and benefits. It would be good to be independent of your ex.

Then all the focus will be on getting you into the best health possible and contact for the children.

I think you are being manipulated by your husband. Drinking only when your husband was there to look after the kids wont necessarily go against you. You could control it while he was away. Is it him telling you, that you will be judged by any chance.

Maybe he just wants the house, kids and you to feel you have no rightful claim to any of it or to proper unsupervised access with kids.after all he dared go away before leaving you in total charge. I smell abit of a rat here.

No-one seems to have asked you the usual questions. Home owners or rent? Marital property etc. You should get advice from a solicitor well-versed in family law (try looking on the Resolution site). If CAB is anything like it was when I was advising, all they would do is refer you for an initial free half-hour interview w a solicitor anyway.

re the divorce I mean. They are v v good at benefits.

It does sound very controlling at the moment - but if your behaviour has been very erratic then I think that is perhaps understandable.

CAB will be a good start - Shelter should also be able to advise on housing issues.

Can you also ring round a few local solicitors and ask if they do a free initial hour/half-hour consultation? Many do, although you might not be able to see anyone until the new year.

Bear in mind that as you are married, you are entitled to a share of the house, car, any other assets. Equally, any debts (including mortgage) are shared. If your H is going to be the primary resident parent, then he will get a bigger share - but you will still get a share.

Thank you, all valid replies and much appreciated.

The house is mortgaged, I am not however name on it as with everything else. I can't afford a solicitor even with a half hour consultation so perhaps no point as no money would be received until the house is sold anyway blah

Messy isn't it! What have I done :(

Thanks all

I just read something, because I'm not joint owner of the house (mortgaged) that must mean I don't have equal rights to stay here or entitlement to any profits (regardless of kids so hypothetical question) ?

You are the joint owner of your house OP, because you are married. Your house is a marital asset which you jointly own whether your name is on the deeds or not. Your interest in the house should however been registered with the Land Registry. You need to note that down and raise the issue when you see CAB.

You sound very isolated. Can you not see a solicitor for a free half hour? Most solicitors will offer that. The CAB may be able to recommend. You may be an addict or depressed, but that does not mean that your rights are forfeited.

P.s. It is very important that you get extra help to make sure you are represented in a divorce because you are vulnerable. You don't want to get to a more healthy place in your life and realise that you gave away too much because you were vulnerable and were not able to access the best advice you could get.

Your children will only have one mother and you need to look after your rights in order to ensure their right to have a mother in their lives who loves them. Look after yourself OP, and make sure you get a fair deal. Just because you may have done some awful things does not mean you get treated any worse by the family law.

Please do see a solicitor. Even for just a free half hour. Hillfarmer is right; and it may even be that your condition should be taken into account in your favour when in deciding any settlement.