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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did i overstep the mark with this friend?

22 replies

bluetrueyou · 21/12/2015 11:16

A close friend gave her first presentation at a professional conference recently. Before hand she was nervous about it and I offered to watch it through with her but she said no. On the day of the conference I was on annual leave and did a quick search for the conference on twitter to see if there would be live tweets, something common in our industry, and found a link to live streaming of some of the presentations. Without planning to I ended up watching my friend's presentation. When she sent me a text later to say it had gone ok I told her I had seen it online. She is now really really angry with me for watching her, and says that i shouldn't have told her that I'd seen it, even though it enabled me to give her some feedback which she is going to use in future presentations.

At the time I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, I watch another friend's presentations online all the time, although he is a more experienced presenter, but with hindsight i can see how for her as a first time presenter it may have seemed a bit weird and maybe 'stalkerish'. I'm not sure how I'd react in a similar situation as I'm not yet at the point in my career where I give presentations. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Hullygully · 21/12/2015 11:18

she's a loon

she should be grateful you were interested and caring enough to watch it

or are you a weirdy stalker after all?

how can we tell...

Blueprintorange · 21/12/2015 11:23

I Think you did overstep the mark - she said no, but you looked it up online!

I'd be very creeped out if a friend did that.. You really shouldn't have mentioned it!

sonjadog · 21/12/2015 11:25

Wouldn't bother me.

Cheesybaps · 21/12/2015 11:28

She had clearly agreed to give a public presentation which was also being broadcast, she cannot dictate who watches that.

I don't see her problem to be honest.

Doublebubblebubble · 21/12/2015 11:35

I agree with cheesybaps how can she decide who can and can't watch it?

HortonWho · 21/12/2015 11:39

Pst, have you broken the news to her that anyone... can watch it online?

Offering to do a trial run and her declining, and then watching her actual speech are two different things. She's projecting - clearly she is insecure about it. Did she not do as well as she hoped?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2015 11:39

I think watching it was fine. Giving feedback when she had already turned down the opportunity for you to do so crossed the line.

bluetrueyou · 21/12/2015 11:42

Thanks for the comments: milk i only gave her feedback after she asked me for it. When I first told her I'd seen it i just gave a supportive but general comment about how good it was.

OP posts:
TeaPleaseLouise · 21/12/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeaPleaseLouise · 21/12/2015 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 21/12/2015 11:46

Are you involved, or interested in, her industry?

If so, then I think she is just being a bit over-sensitive, probably due to first-time nerves.

If you're not in the industry then I do think you were being a bit nosy. However if she then asked you for feedback it can't have upset her too much.

sooperdooper · 21/12/2015 11:50

What did she think would happen if the presentation was live streamed? Confused clearly the whole point was for people (anyone!) to watch it

She's being daft - I assume she knew it was going online?

OnlyLovers · 21/12/2015 11:57

Hold on, I'm not following. She asked you for feedback but was angry that you'd watched the presentation?

tharsheblows · 21/12/2015 11:59

If I had been presenting something, I would completely know and understand that anyone could watch it. However, even with that, it would be unnerving to me if someone who was my friend and not involved with the industry decided she would take the time on a day off to search the conference then watch the talk.

To me it'd be a similar situation if you knew when I was going grocery shopping and decided to show up at the store to see me, then be pleased that you could offer suggestions on what was in my cart. It's a public place, yes, but that's a little weird.

I'd find it strange and a bit stalkery. You watched because you were curious and wanted to see how she did, not out of some altruistic impulse. It's not supportive behaviour if she's not supported by it, she gets to decide that.

bluetrueyou · 21/12/2015 12:04

pocket / tharsheblow I do work in the same industry as her and I watched because i was genuinely interested in what she had to say not to judge her performance.

sooper i don't think she knew until she arrived that it was going to be streamed online, although I expect she had to give consent. However, it was a relatively small conference and she probably didn't think many people would see it. If i hadn't been off work that day, and hanging around at home waiting for something, I wouldn't have deliberately sought it out.

OP posts:
Dipankrispaneven · 21/12/2015 12:14

I think you did overstep the mark - she said no, but you looked it up online!

As I understand it, she said no to a trial run, she didn't say no to watching the actual presentation. If she knew it would be online and didn't object, she has no right to object to people watching it.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 21/12/2015 12:29

She's probably got a thread on an Internet forum somewhere and people are saying "ooh no that's weird and stalkery! You should let her no you're not happy!"

Tbh I get where you're coming from, but if I were in your friends shoes I wouldn't be happy. Not sure I could articulate why though, tharsheblows is probably nearest the mark with the shopping trip!

TartanBirdFeeder · 21/12/2015 12:31

If, as it seems, you work in the same industry and it was relevant to your job then YANBU. If it's not relevant/you work in a different industry then YABU.

tharsheblows · 21/12/2015 12:36

So you just happened to be looking at the hashtag stream at the exact time your friend was giving her presentation. Or you saw there was a live stream and planned your time around when she was speaking. If it had been me, there would be nothing you could say that would make me believe you accidentally ended up watching it or watched it for any reason other than to see how I did.

You overstepped her boundaries and now want to argue them away. You're not asking for advice on how to repair the damage, you're asking for justification for your actions. I can only speak for myself, but if you were my friend who had done this, I'd start moving away from you and be more careful with you in the future. If you think she's been too sensitive and unreasonable, then move away from her, you don't need the drama and I doubt she'll mind.

DurhamDurham · 21/12/2015 13:02

I think watching it was fine as it was in the public domain. However your friend is entitled to feel aggrieved, she feels that you have crossed the line and I doubt you can say much to convince her otherwise.
If I'd watched it I wouldn't have commented on it, the fact that she turned down your offer of help should have been enough to let you know that she didn't want you to see it.
You may have lost her friendship over this, if she ain't the forgiving type, not sure it was worth it.

PushingThru · 21/12/2015 22:36

She clearly stated that she didn't want you involved with her presentation & you ignored that and went ahead anyway. I wouldn't like that. Also, you bring up twice that she's a presentation novice & refer to an 'experienced' presenter & have also twice offered feedback that she refused once and didn't ask for the second time. I think you may be coming across as forceful and slightly condescending about her lack of experience & this may be where some of the hostility from your friend is coming from.

Isetan · 22/12/2015 00:03

I can understand your curiosity in watching her presentation ('I just so happened...' is bullshit and you know it) but once your initial offer of help was declined, I don't understand your subsequent persistence. Your friend asking and taking on board your feedback, doesn't excuse your behaviour.

No is a complete sentence and isn't the beginning of a negotiation and if you value this friend, then you should start respecting that.

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