Encouragement needed re: marriage recovery

[CryingMummy]

I was wondering if anyone had any encouraging stories about marriages surviving and even thriving, after one partner wanted to leave and couldn''t see any value in it. Did any ever change their minds? I have been battling depression and said some stupid and hurtful things earlier in the year, my Husband has his heart "broken" and had a couple of affairs, we are having counselling but he doesn't currently want the relationship and has been re-writing the story of our time together. We are actually getting on alright when he is here (he works away in the week) but the problems seem insurmountable to him, though I am willing to work hard to sort things out.

Apologies if that's a bit much a bit soon. I am so sorry you are going through this. There are many threads here if you search for 'marriage' and 'recovery'. And I know you want positivity so I'll vacate. You needn't be ashamed of whatever if it you did in the relationship, that's what these boards are here for. Details might be exposing, but you can share if you want. You deserve someone who loves you. I don't think you should 'leave the bastard'. I only think that the sooner a wound is properly revealed, the sooner it can be cleaned and healed. Sometimes without exploring, even in our own heads, the truth of what it would be to detach, we cannot whole-heartedly and joyously decide to lovingly commit and stay.

There is much greater honesty between us. Trust is an issue, but I have certainly been working on it. I am not really sure what he is trying to do ...

I appreciate the time you have taken to think and write Blood and I am reading and thinking about everything.

Neither of you are good with money but he blames you. that's worth hanging on to and is interesting. And you're now on ADs which is good news. But I wonder if it's worth thinking about why you are feeling the need to surround yourself with things that push him away, and whether someone blaming you for all they don't have in life might well be a contributing factor for depression. I wonder if the reason he doesn't leave is that actually you provide quite a useful place to put all that anger. What would he blame his perceived failures on if you weren't there with your physical manifestations of his sense of waste?

Our Marriage Counsellor did suggest he needed to look at Erksine's work on validation ...

Yeah, the ADs are great at clearing my mind.

Again, trust is an issue but YOU have been working on it. Think about that. I can see trust might have its damage both sides but there is NO comparison trust wise with what a couple of affairs do compared with the issues you describe. the vast vast majority of trust work should be being done by him. Again, I am struck by how useful you are to him, even as he claims to not be sure what he feels about you. it's possible he says he doesn't love you because he has lost respect for you, since he uses you as a place to put his sense of shame and do a lot of the relationship work for flaws that are his. And yet he doesn't leave....which supports this further.

Validation is interesting and he may be driven by it and you certainly would be providing him with it ('All my problems are down to her, at least I am not like THAT, shame so visible') but also infidelity is a prime provider of validation so he's gorging on the stuff. But let's also think about the validation you are not getting from him. It's a human need even if some people demand it in inhuman amounts. How can you possible get any sense of validation from someone who has deceived you and blamed you and now says he doesn't want to be with you, despite staying and still wanting to use you for the validation your commitment and vulnerability provides? How are you supposed to drag yourself clear of your depression in a situation where not only is any validation being withheld from you, but when you do something brave and proactive for yourself like get ADs over the summer, he responds by detaching and claiming he wants to leave. Where is the support and encouragement?

Mummy, my children are adults and left home. So situation is different. We are very long time married. Feel so betrayed and trust is gone. But hoping with both of our attitudes changing we can work it out. I was disinterested so he looked elsewhere. No excuse, but thats the way it was

Ah, thanks, Janaus.

Nothing that you describe suggests he's trying. It very much sounds like he hasn't made the decision to leave just yet and your threat of him leaving sooner rather than later, is probably the catalyst for him going to counselling (biding his time until he does make up his mind).

Can your relationship be saved? I don't know but if only one of you is genuinely trying, probably not.

I would encourage you to seek solo counselling to work through your own stuff because whatever happens with your marriage, you will need support.

I have confided in a number of trusted people and have support. Solo counselling would be logistically difficult and there has been a lot of value in hearing what he has said. He got defensive when the Counsellor asked how he had been "trying". He could mention efforts he had made in the marriage but nothing he had done to "save" the marriage. After discussing some relational analysis, he did ask what some of my needs were in one of the areas.

Sorry, wrong thread.