How do you know when to give up on a friendship?

[kellie456]

I'm friends with 'Annie'. We used to be really good friends but over the past year have drifted apart for various reasons. When Annie is really good friends with you she will go out of her way to be kind and considerate and do amazing things for you, but for everyone else she can be a bit of a selfish cow (and freely admits this). I'm now in the category of often being on the end of the selfish cow treatment, e.g. I recently had a fairly major death in the family and apart from a few insincere sounding good lucks before the funeral she never asked me how things were. Yet when we were really good friends and i had a similar situation she was all over herself to make sure I was ok. Meanwhile I carry on treating her as though we are still good friends because I still care a lot about her. Sometimes I feel a bit of a fool because i would go out of my way for her, yet recent experience suggests she wouldn't do the same for me anymore. But another part of me says two wrongs don't make a right and just because she can be a cow that doesn't mean I should lower myself to her level. What are the signs that you should just give up trying with someone?

You say "give up trying", but what is it that you're trying to do?

If you're trying to turn her into the sort of friend you can trust in a crisis, you're setting yourself up for serial disappointments. You can't change people.

If you're trying to show her how much you mean to her - same as above. Don't "go out of your way for her", that's not what she's about.

Third option: Trying to get back to the jolly, fair-weather friendship with an amusing bitch, as before. Much better chance of success.

She blows hot and cold so you can accept that and not expect too much of her any more. Don't try and change her or try to show her how to behave...it won't register.

Keep it all 'looser', and just don't rely on her, keep the friendship on a simple level.

I agree with Garlic she will only be a fair weather friend. And if that sits well with you that's fine.

Personally I know when to give up a friendship when I feel bad after seeing them, when words they said/things they did go around in my mind for days afterwards. If I don't sleep well as it's on my mind, If I worry about seeing them again, If dread seeing them and don't want to go. I can develop a strong aversion to someone so the thought of seeing them makes me feel tearful, shaky and nauseous....so I give up. I've had to do it with a couple of toxic people. It's all about self preservation...and deserving better treatment.

Personally, I'm going through a stage of mirroring the time, effort, and level of investment others are showing me to rebalance my relationships to be more equal.

That sounds a very decent plan, Joy.