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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

should I be hurt by this?

25 replies

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 09:46

DH and I have a joint friend.
A few years ago we went through a family member dying who we were all very close to.
It was quite a horrific time and during this we got very close to this lady.
She was adopted and had no family and my DH took on the role of her 'adopted' brother.
Looked at DH phone yesterday (I know).
He sent her a txt message late on Friday saying. "Saw Kylie on TV and she really reminds me of you"
She replied "a lot of people have said that".
He then said " if she had a tiny bit of your beauty she would be very lucky"
She replied "love you bruv x"
I don't know why but I am very hurt by this. He never shows me any love or affection.
I don't think that anything would happen between them but I'm just hurt by his words.
Should I be upset?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 20/12/2015 09:49

Depends on the intent. DH and o can admire beauty and tell others to boost their confidence without it being any more than that.

Why is it you feel that what your DH did isn't that?

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 09:56

Maybe it was that but I just feel it was a bit inappropriate.
Also I guess because he would never ever say or send me a message like that.

OP posts:

pictish · 20/12/2015 09:59

I think I would be hurt by that, yes.

Borninthe60s · 20/12/2015 10:02

Why were you checking his phone.

Yes I'd be hurt. But tell him you need him to sometimes say how lovely you look and pay you more attention as you are feeling a bit (your own words)

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 10:10

Don't know why I checked his phone. Not because I was checking up on him. It was just lying there and I looked.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 20/12/2015 10:12

I'd be hurt, and it's an inappropriate thing to say to a woman who you're not coming on to.

bittapitta · 20/12/2015 10:16

Yes I'd be hurt by this, it crosses a line. You say this to an actual brother/sister. Leave aside the fact he doesn't compliment you like this, it is an inappropriate compliment for him to give someone he's not flirting with.

bittapitta · 20/12/2015 10:16

*you WOULDN'T say this to a brother or sister, I meant

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 10:22

So how do I deal with this? Spoke to him about it last night and he made me feel like I was blowing it out of proportion

OP posts:

pictish · 20/12/2015 10:33

Well he would wouldn't he?

He's trying to alter your perception of reality and make th problem yours rather than where it actually belongs, squarely in his lap.

The message itself might be quite telling too. She responds "love you bruv" which I think is her ascertaining how she sees him...as a brother figure and not a sexual partner.

I think he wants you to think you're blowing things out of proportion because not only has he been caught out giving it the big come on, he's been knocked back as well.

Yes I'm sure he'd much rather you didn't persist in being bothered by this.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 20/12/2015 10:37

Does she usually call him bruv or was she reminding him of their relationship?

I'm a bit on the fence with this one.

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 10:44

Yes that is exactly how I took it. She was saying bruv as a way to remind him that she sees it as a sister/brother relationship.
I'm not sure if he was trying it on with her or not.
I'm just so hurt by his words. Words he would never say to me.
He undermines me a lot, especially where the children are concerned.
I feel really low about this but wasn't sure if I was overeating

OP posts:

bittapitta · 20/12/2015 10:44

Good point Anchor I think she was subtly reinforcing that she didn't see OPs DH "in that way".

fuzzywuzzy · 20/12/2015 12:02

Very what are his good points?

I'd be considering all options personally.

The woman is clearly not interested & he is being a creepy letch.

He doesn't sound like he's very nice to you either.

LondonStill83 · 20/12/2015 12:28

I'd personally take this as he was cracking on to her and she was rather obviously putting him back in his place...

My DH would send me that message (if he wanted to get lucky!) and by brother definitely would NOT have done.

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 12:36

He is a good dad. I have been very depressed lately & he has supported me.
But he does sometimes make me feel that my opinion doesn't count.
He just said he is sorry & ge understands why I'm upset but it was meant as a joke!

OP posts:

maras2 · 20/12/2015 12:44

Joke my arse.He was trying it on.She sounds like she's got his number though.Best to nip this sleezy behaviour in the bud.If it means checking his phone etc then so be it.I hope that your depression resolves soon.Good luck. Mx

pocketsaviour · 20/12/2015 13:06

I wouldn't see this as inappropriate. I have plenty of friends/relatives who I regularly compliment on their looks, and receive the same in return.

However you know your H, so if this behaviour is out of character for him then you would know that better than any of us.

What is your gut feeling? That he was sending out a sort of "any possibility you might be slightly interested" feeler?

Orange1969 · 20/12/2015 13:10

Not a very "brotherly" thing to say.

I would not be happy

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/12/2015 13:20

If you felt that your opinions did count, would your depression lighten, do you think?

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 13:41

I don't really think he was trying it on. Just hurt that he would say such a thing to someone other than me.
Maybe he was putting out feelers.
He has put up with a lot from me in the past few months. I am always crying. I do feel that I am unimportant and maybe this adds to my depression.
This lady has been through a he'll of a lot in her life but is one of those people that is always smiling. She really is a lovely person and maybe I am upset because he thinks more of her than me

OP posts:

Original poster

Veryveryvery · 20/12/2015 13:46

hell

OP posts:

Iflyaway · 20/12/2015 22:03

he undermines me a lot

And why exactly are you putting up with it?

he never shows me any love or affection

Again, why are you putting up with it?

While he's messaging other women about "beauty"?

If it were me and mine I'd say Fuck off. Kids or no kids. Maybe cos I've been a single parent for coming on 25 years. I don't take no shit from no man.

If it ain't great, it ain't worth sticking around in my book of life.

Life is so much simpler without these fuckwits hanging around damaging the kids while they're at it

Iflyaway · 20/12/2015 22:08

He has put up with a lot from me in the past few months. I am always crying. I do feel that I am unimportant and maybe this adds to my depression.

I think without him in your life your depression will life miraculously - not without some essential work on your part though to get back to your "true self".

Please get some counselling for yourself.

Wishing you all strength!

Iflyaway · 20/12/2015 22:08

lift

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