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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bit of a dilemma

17 replies

whichfirst · 14/12/2006 20:21

My DH and I have had quite a big problem with lack of sex for a number of years. We have one DD who is nearly 2 who was conceived after one bonk, I kid you not. We are trying really hard to sort these problems out (basically we haven't had a regular sex life for about 7 years), with the help of a Relate book which I once saw recommended on MN. We haven't actually had sex yet, so I might getting ahead of myself a bit, but anyway...
Basically, we both want to have another baby quite soon. My DH is all for starting to try after Christmas, but part of me is thinking that it's not a good idea to start TTC in conjuction with attempting to sort out sexual problems. HOWEVER, I would REALLY like to have another baby asap. I don't know what to do... can anyone offer any advice? Thanks so much.

OP posts:

Original poster

whichfirst · 14/12/2006 20:35

Any thoughts anyone....?
sorry about attention-seeking bump, not going to be online for much longer...
Thanks

OP posts:

crazydazy · 14/12/2006 20:46

Didn't want to ignore but hard to give advice as not had a problem like this but sympathy to you

Original poster

whichfirst · 14/12/2006 21:07

Ok, so I'm still here, hovering. Thanks crazydazy... Guess everyone's enjoying all the rucks going on around here!

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DeckthehallsLaDiDaDi · 14/12/2006 21:13

I think it depends upon how hard you want to ttc iyswim.

If you're going to be really relaxed about it and simply not use contraception then it could be fine but if you think it might in any way make sex more about performance, ie we must do it tonight because I'm midcycle, then I wouldn't do it.

It's also worth thinking about how pregnancy might affect your sex life, you might just start to get things back on track and then find your libido vanishes or morning sickness makes you knackered. This might mean that the sexlife takes longer to get back to how you want it to be.

ELF1981 · 14/12/2006 21:19

tbh you may be better having a few months of "regular sex" rather than the added pressure of ttc.

Original poster

whichfirst · 14/12/2006 21:39

I think I wouldn't be too desperate to conceive straight away. I wouldn't want to only be doing on the 'right' day or 3 days in a row etc if the time was right in my cycle blah blah. Although as Deckthehalls has pointed out, there's also the worry of actually being pregnant and how that affects sex drive (mine and his) I remember feeling quite randy (what an old-fashioned word!) a lot of the time when I was pregnant, but I have a feeling my DH had a few issues with the whole 'bump in the way' and the idea of there being a baby in there. I want to get it right, not just get pregnant again and then for it all to fall by the wayside again sexually...

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ballbaby · 14/12/2006 21:44

Don't put yourself under pressure to have sex. Have an early night just to give each other a massage and agree that you definitely won't have sex - just enjoy a massage and a cuddle. That would do it for me anyway if I could stay awake long enough!!!! Think sex is hard for lots of mums with los.

Original poster

whichfirst · 14/12/2006 22:03

Ballbaby, that's the plan, at least initially. It's the Sensate Focus Program that Relate have devised that we want to follow. THere's no sex straight away, just non-sexual touching i.e massage and then building it up from there.

Actually, has anyone else followed this program and to what success?

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ballbaby · 14/12/2006 22:17

Not tried it to any extent but good look with it

smartiepartie · 14/12/2006 23:41

are you happy in your marriage? does your problem with lack of sex affect your relationship?

Original poster

whichfirst · 15/12/2006 08:07

Well, yes it is affecting the marriage, but it's amazing how long people can live with this problem and pretend nothing's wrong! It's like ignoring the elephant in the corner of the living room. But I still love and respect and like my DH very much, and I know he loves me, there's no way it's going to split us up. However, I'm not prepared for it to go on, and obviously despite there still being deep love, there's no intimacy and that can be a killer. Sometimes it feels like I'm just living with a flatmate....

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mumblechum · 15/12/2006 10:41

I don't really understand why you don't have sex with your husband. Did you have a normal sex life when you first got together?

How unhappy is he with no sex? Most men wouldn't put up with virtually no sex for 7 years, and I wonder whether the lack of sex is a mutual agreement for some reason?

Sorry, I know this post sounds a bit blunt, but I haven't got a handle on your situation. Don't answer if it's too intrusive.

Original poster

whichfirst · 15/12/2006 12:33

Mumblechum, of course we had a normal sex life! THere's a lot of factors it fizzling out - our relationship was long-distance for a couple of years (he left uni before me) then when we moved in it was in a shared house at first with very thin walls, then .. I don't know really. My DH doesn't have a high sex drive, and I think it's a fallacy that all men are gagging for sex all the time. He's admitted recently that his job has put a lot of pressure on him for years and he feels like he has to be the BEST at his job and succeed at that to the detriment of our relationship. We've both become focused on material things - bigger house, more money and ridiculously shallow things like that to try and ignore what's really going on. I have felt like he doesn't fancy me blah blah!! Things have become so entrenched over the years! I think sexless relationships are more common than people think actually, but it doesn't mean they have to end if both people want to sort it out...

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2006 12:35

There may also be medical reasons for lowered sex drive, as well as medications.

I suggest you start w/your doctors first.

Original poster

whichfirst · 15/12/2006 12:38

Expat, he's also knackered nearly all of the time because he sleeps appallingly. I think it's that combined with work pressure and a naturally fairly low sex drive on his side.

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expatinscotland · 15/12/2006 12:41

There may still be a medical reason for both his insomnia and his decreased libido.

It really should be ruled out first, particularly in an otherwise healthy man who is not elderly.

Physical reasons should be ruled out, then move on to psychological ones such as stress.

Original poster

whichfirst · 15/12/2006 12:45

Ok will try and persuade to go to docs, not sure about likelihood of that succeeding, he is typical scottish man, his head would have to be hanging off before he ventured near a health professional . However, I suppose if he is as serious about sorting all this out as he says he is....

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