Wanting a relationship for the wrong reasons

[Hatemyfuckinglifesomuch]

I am 23.

I was never the pretty one at school but have come into myself a bit over the past couple of years. When I'm in good shape, wearing makeup, flattering clothes, I can pass as attractive, even pretty (in the right light, mind!)

Over the years a few (desperate) men have I guess pursued me but i have not been interested them in a romantic way, more as friends.

I online date and have had a fair few dates out of that. The majority of which I clicked with but not romantically, although a couple didn't want to take things further with me.

Anyway long story short I'm average to below average physically. The people I like never like me back!

I have sought validation from men over the years by internalising how they treat me, and equating this to attractive I must be. As you can imagine this is pretty demoralising.

I recently went on a date with someone who was very physically attractive (out of my league!) but quite shy. He said he liked me a lot but I am not sure whether that was just because he is keen on having a girlfriend. He doesn't have much success with women. Even though I'm not sure whether I fancy him, I am obsessed with wanting him to like me - any perceived rejection is actually making me want him more

This sounds terrible but I can't trust him or be myself because I worry that I'll disgust him. I worry that that's why he's cooling off now actually - not because he's busy over the Xmas period but because he finds me ugly.

It's tearing me apart.

It's really holding me back from getting to know someone properly, I feel like fucking princess Fiona from shrek. In flattering clothing, in a darkish room with makeup on, I look great but see me the next day and I'm fucking hideous

Someone help. I'm having therapy at the moment for other things and don't trust myself to bring this up. I just want to die.

I think you do need to bring this into therapy.
No one can give you a quick fix. I felt really sad reading your post.
I have no idea whether you are ugly or stunning, or (most likely) somewhere in between. But what I do know if that this preoccupation with rating your own and others' looks is a recipe for continued unhappiness. Everyone gets rejected sometimes by people they find attractive, even models etc, because looks are only a small part of relationships.
One of my friends is, frankly, pretty plain looking. She knows this but accepts it. I doubt she thinks of it often. She is confident, kind, funny, warm. Her objective plainness hasn't held her back from having successful relationships.
You cannot compartmentalise your emotional needs. So bringing this into therapy would most likely be helpful overall.
Good luck, and be kind to yourself

This is way body dismorphic. I'm sorry I don't trust your own assessment of your looks, I bet you're much more attractive than you think.

This level of fixation on looks does need treating because it's resulting in some very skewed thinking.

People are not what they look like !, but what they are about as a "whole package"

Their beliefs
Their morals
Their work ethic
How they treat other people & animals - kindness
Sense of humour
How positive they are
Good fun, interesting,
Plus everyone has a list of "deal breaker things" that they are looking for in a partner eg wanting a family etc

I recently met someone who was young, confident, relatively good looking
But, they were arrogant & an awful "aura"