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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment or end of relationship

50 replies

Ladywithavan · 18/12/2015 08:06

I haven't spoken to my on/ off dp for nearly 4 weeks.
We've been 'together' for 4 years with some longish breaks in between.
I don't really know why we're not talking this time? I suppose we'd had a few arguments in preceding weeks. We were sort of cool with each other on last meet up and I suspect I may have said something that upset him. I did send a light hearted text about a week after to break the ice.
No response.
I know that in many ways it's not a healthy relationship as we have broken up a few times, mostly because we're incompatable on some level and its always him who breaks up with me. He then eventually gets back in touch.
I do love him and now I'm wondering if perhaps my last text was too flippant and I've done something to offend him?
I was thinking of sending a Christmas card.
I'm not sure if that's a good idea or not. It feels so weird for us just to end without a conversation or a line drawn under things.
I'm even wondering if he's ok, though he has got form for doing this to people who p*ss him off.
I kind of feel sending a card would put ball in his court and make me feel like at least I tried.

OP posts:

munkynutts · 18/12/2015 15:28

"But this relationship has made me anxious about being open as either things are interpreted wrong or I don't get the same attention back that I give."

This is a good line to hold on to OP. How are things interpreted wrong and what kind of attention is denied you? X

TeaFathers · 18/12/2015 16:55

urgh - he's a twat. just in time for merry twatmass.

you say you're not young. are you afraid of being on your own? or that you might not find someone else after him? sounds like it to me.

i know loads of middle aged women hanging on tooth and claw to disinterested men who are not even half arsed about the "relationship". and i use that word very loosely.
these women just can't handle being on their own so any pair of trousers will do. god forbid they could be single.

some men are just twats. only with women because of the hole between their legs. that's incredibly crass i know, but its also true.

ditch the loser and make space in your life for someone nicer to come along. plenty other men out there.

CC88 · 18/12/2015 18:08

You know what, I think the Dickhead is doing you a favour. After this length of time, move on. You sound like a nice person. He's giving you the space to meet a decent guy you deserve. His big loss, someone else's gain (and your gain).

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 19/12/2015 07:24

Thanks all for the advice. So the general consensus is to walk away. Some of you suggest I should end the relationship myself. By that do you mean I should let him know this or should I just walk away without saying a word?
It seems faintly ridiculous to send someone a text after a month of silence saying 'it's over' but then again perhaps that would draw a line under it in my mind and not make me feel so passive?

OP posts:

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 19/12/2015 07:37

I would be assuming the relationship was over at this point. He is maintaining control by keeping you wondering. I've done this myself when an awful lot younger and I can assure you it's a power thing, he will know that his behaviour is knawing away at you.

I would just move on personally. Get back on the dating scene and let this loser loose. It might make you feel better to text or email saying the relationship was no longer working for you, the silent treatment was passive/aggressive and you would like a partner who was actively involved and communicative. Then block his number/email and go and find someone who isn't damaged.

Footle · 19/12/2015 07:48

No more walking on eggshells. Imagine the freedom !

R3alxmastr33 · 19/12/2015 10:36

It is already over (4 weeks of no communication)

Change your phone number, email, block on social media

DO NOT send him any texts, cards, IGNORE, IGNORE

Spend some time on your own

Enjoy your new freedom

Find someone new who is really into you !

CharlotteCollins · 19/12/2015 10:50

Don't tell him it's over or he may test you to see if you mean it. He'll want to win you back just to make sure he's got you dangling on a string.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/12/2015 14:18

This has reminded me I haven't actually finished things properly with the guy I was engaged too in 1993....

honeyroar · 19/12/2015 18:55

This is not love. This is not a relationship. Nobody leaves someone they love (or even like) in limbo for a month and nobody in a relationship should have to dither and analyse about whether to contact their OH without upsetting them after an arguement. This non relationship has no value to your life. He is not a good bloke. Do yourself a huge favour and move on with your head held high.

As previously mentioned, the best way forward would be to delete numbers, change phone numbers etc and do not let him swan back into your life when he next feels like it (which is probably when whoever he is with in between realises he's rubbish..). Give yourself the Xmas present of a decent future, with someone who respects you - you'll only get that when you ditch the loser guy.

bouquetdiva · 19/12/2015 20:54

He WILL be back. But do you want to be back in the same position in another year? How much time do you want to waste on a relationship that is not going anywhere? I have been in your position and it is tough but there will be better out there for you once you get over this person who is not capable of a proper relationship with anyone

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 19/12/2015 20:56

I am going to follow all the advice and not contact him and ignore any attempts he makes to contact me should he do so. However, I am hurting as 4 years is a long time and I'm obviously attached to him. It just seems so bizarre that a person can just cut off like that. It's something I don't really comprehend. We've done a lot together in that time: holidays, Christmases and New Years etc. I just find it hard to imagine that he is sitting somewhere completely able to just flick a switch and dump me by silence.
I suppose that's what I'm mainly struggling with.

OP posts:

bouquetdiva · 19/12/2015 21:17

He hasn't dumped you. He is keeping you on a back burner until it suits him again

I'm going through the same actually after 3.5 years. It hurts less this time as it has been so on and off. But I am moving on this time! I can see that he is back on Speed dater which is where we met. It has also been just over 4 weeks now. Uncanny!

CharlotteCollins · 19/12/2015 21:43

It's understandable to feel upset. You'll feel better in time. Just don't make the mistake of thinking it says something about you. It speaks volumes about the type of person he is.

Chalk it up to experience!

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/12/2015 22:00

You're right, it's attachment. We can attach to anyone, given the right circumstances. Which is why abusive people zone in on the vulnerable, or those who have recently experienced something which makes them vulnerable.

Detaching is hard because attachment creates a magical illusion that your 'connection' has something powerful and profound about it.

It hasn't. And the feelings of attachment will fade, if you stick it out and don't contact him. Sooner than you think, the 'bond' will erode.

Creampastry · 19/12/2015 22:23

Oh my word, how immature. Just end it, he sounds like a twat.

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 20/12/2015 08:45

What if something has happened to him? He doesn't use social media so I can't check that and we have no mutual friends . I'd feel terrible if this was the reason it's gone quiet , but I don't want to break my NC unnecessarily.
In context he does do this to people who upset him so this the most like current scenario with me.....but you never know.
Should I be trying to find out?

OP posts:

Penfold007 · 20/12/2015 08:48

Seriously bad news travels fast, if something was wrong someone would have told you.

honeyroar · 20/12/2015 09:05

That's another example of why this is not a relationship. You don't know any of his friends or family!!

ricketytickety · 20/12/2015 09:05

No, he has form for this so you know it is the silent treatment. Any silent treatment is a control tactic. This i the bit you need to get your head around to understand his behaviour - this relationship is all about power and control. It makes him feel good that you will be worrying about him and what you have done to deserve it.

Be brave, go nc and block his number and email so you won't be dragged back into it by some sort of emotional blackmail about how he's been ill and you should have called or some such bs he will inevitably make up. Take this as the opportunity to escape.

You ask about love. Ask yourself: would you treat someone you love this way? No. There is your answer. Now regain your freedom and enjoy yourself unattached and master of your life. At some point you will find someone like you who doesn't play control games. It will be much more fun for you.

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 20/12/2015 09:20

Thanks for your kind words. Yes he does have form and one of the reasons I don't know his family is because he's more or less estranged from them as well. So yes, he does have form for this.
I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not being negligent or uncaring. I do care very much but I just couldn't face sending a message to find out all is well only to get something unpleasant back, or nothing at all.
And I hate to admit as it sounds immature and game
Playing from me, but I wouldn't want to give him the satisfaction of being able to do this to me.

OP posts:

TeaFathers · 21/12/2015 10:19

expect him to get in contact again when he needs to get laid.
ignore this loser.

Original poster

Ladywithavan · 26/12/2015 11:21

Well I caved and sent a Christmas card. I wrote nothing heavy in it. Just wished a merry Xmas. Didn't hear back. It was probably a stupid thing to do but I felt it was right at that moment as the silence is doing my head in. I thought at least I'm being decent. Now all I'm doing is scanning dating sites to see if he's on them. It's bad for me I know. I'm also looking up break up related stuff on Internet to try to find ....well I don't know what I'm trying to find ? Answers? It's such a weird way to break up and I find it a tough one to fathom.

OP posts:

hefzi · 26/12/2015 11:29

Walk away now, Lady - I know how you feel, and that you just want answers: but you're not going to get any from this man. You said in the past, he was always the one to break up with you, and then he's come back and you'd let him: he'll probably try that again this time, when he's "punished" you enough for whatever he thinks you've done (or when his latest relationship is over). Don't let him! It's time for you to take back the control. He's not trapped under a heavy object, unable to reach his 'phone - he's deliberately chosen to ignore you. So stop searching for him on dating sites, stop trying to track him down - start instead living the life you deserve, so you can have a relationship with someone who deserves you and treats you well, not some irritating, controlling man-child.

OhBeloved · 26/12/2015 11:39

You would be better spending that time on the internet looking for fun things to do next year that will build your life up so you won't tolerate men treating you like shit just so you can feel you have a partner.

Woman up love and stop hanging on to the mirage of a relationship. It's over. Now is the time to focus on your life and getting it how you want it.

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