any advice please on cheating dh?

[doublechocchip]

If anyone could give me advice I would be so thankful for other people's perspective.

I found out 6 months ago my husband had had a short emotional affair with a work colleague culminating with them sleeping together at a works party. I found out 2 weeks after this had happened from a message on his phone. (He'd been showing me pics when it showed up) which he later admitted it.

After a couple of months soul searching I told him I wanted to separate and he moved out. Since then I have taken up a new hobby that i love and am retraining for a new career. My life feels a little more on track but the days are still up and down.

He has spent the last 6 months saying sorry and doing anything he can to make me see how much he regrets it. He's like a changed man, no matter what I've said to him he hasn't retaliated.

I feel in some ways that getting back together he would try his all to be a great husband and it would lovely for our 3 young dc's to grow up with their parents together. We were best friends when this happened and we made a good team, I miss him lots however I don't want a life of not trusting him, wondering where he is, who he's working with etc.

I know I'm strong enough to go it alone and have proved it to him the last few months but I worry for the future. What if I wait too long to see if I can forgive him and he gets with someone else and then I realise that actually I do want to give it another go? The thought of a life with potential step parents/siblings fills me with sadness.
My head whirls around all day with the ifs and buts of it all. I feel as though because it's me saying no to re-uniting its me being the bad guy despite me being in a situation I never envisaged myself in!

Everyone around me is being so diplomatic in case we get back together that I never get to hear real opinions on this.

Thankyou for everyone who is giving advice and opinions here it's good to see all points of view.

You have shown him that you can cope, and be reasonably content so far, without being in a relationship with him.

There are 2 possible situations going on: either he is genuinely remorseful and has learned the value of what he put at risk, or he needs to feel (ego thing) that despite what he's done he can get you back if he wants to.

For you, either you will find it really difficult to call it quits and then spend the rest of your life wondering whether you made the right choice, or you take a chance, totally on your terms, and see whether the two of you can repair the damage together.

From an immensely practical point of view - what do you think you would regret more: trying again or not trying again?
If you don't give it another chance, will it always be something you regret, a huge 'if only' - or will you feel like you've dodged a bullet?

i think I would regret not giving our marriage another chance but it's so bloody scary the thought of trying again, to invest all my feelings back in after I was so devastated and heartbroken when I found out I never want to relive that again but I think I would be that scared even if I found someone else in the future and tried to start a new relationship with them.

My feeling is to let him have another try but remember you can finish things at any point if you find out it isn't what you want. Start slow. Meet for coffee. Go to the cinema. Start dating. Don't have sex. You might not regret trying again but you might regret not doing so.

I took an ex back. Did it as someone else broke my heart and I wished we'd given it another go. I did not want another if only. I knew quickly it was not working for me and I don't regret the second time as there's definitely no if only going on with him!

No, I would never take him back. he fucked someone else. that's reason enough. he blew it, so its over.

I agree with Poosey's well put post. And you've given your answer - that you think you would regret not trying again.

So, how to do it? Perhaps after Christmas you could both go for counselling, but individually. Have a few low key dates. Nothing physical and on neutral territory. I think if you do that, you'll know soon enough if it is the right thing for you or not.

Yes Doublechoc I find the counselling helps she suggests ways to help us talk through it all and gives ideas on how we can move forward. We normally come home after and talk about it together. If you are going to try again I would definitely consider some counselling. We have also been going out on date nights. I know it sounds silly but I did not like the idea of starting all over again with someone else one day I know he has done a horrible thing to me but I just felt I owed it to us and the children to try. It's very hard though and everybody is different only you know what is best for you.