Kids bedtimes ruining our marriage; please help.

[cdtaylor3]

Hi all,

So, first I need to explain a bit about the background to the problem and why I'm posting here. I'm Dad, married for 9 years, with my wife for 15. I work 8 hours a day and travel 4, I get up at 6am, leave at 6:45 and return at 7:05pm as there is no real work for me locally. My wife is disabled, she needs two replacement kneecaps but can get around a reasonable amount.

At the time of writing we have 2 girls; a 2 year old and a five year old. Let me be clear, I love them all, dearly, repeat; I love them all. So over the last few years, I've had a battle with DW about routine and getting the kids to bed at a sensible time; 7pm (it tends to vary between 8-10pm by the time they settle down) so that a number of good things can come of it;

1. I can do all the housework in the morning; its not a problem, I don't mind. If the kids are up early, I'm happy to play with them, do the housework and get breakfast. They get me

1. We can work on our marriage, We need to spend intimate and loving time together (please don't take that to mean sex, while it includes that, for me it, also means, playing board games and simply talking over coffee, the stuff that 'builds' a relationship).

1. We can save to move to a larger house; currently we live on a lot of takeaway and I have to buy a lot of food during the day because I'm too exhausted by our problem to prepare food for us.

1. Its making me ill, because I don't get enough rest to manage the travelling and working, because they go to bed so late, now, I don't mean they have to sleep, but to quieten down, and play together. We're losing money because I'm becoming too tired to go to work on certain days.

So, to cut a long story short, I pleaded for many years - it gone on for 4 years now - about this but couldn't get her to appreciate what it was doing to us. I went through moodswings, depression, irritability and for me, the relationship ebbed away over time. I got bitter that she was ruining this wonderful, beautiful marriage was going to finish over something so trivial. I gave the emotional, financial and loving support all the way. I would end up pottering about on my own from when I arrived home until bedtime, while DW stayed upstairs. Friends tried to tell her, as did our neighbour, her response would be "its not a problem for other cultures and people we know", my response was "The people I know don't live like this, but regardless its a problem to US and that is what matters". I got up earlier this week and realised I wasn't in love with her anymore and felt the need for a permanent seperation, I'd been pushed to far and not quite didn't want to fix it, but inside there was no real relationship to fix anymore.

So we talked, and I agreed to give it one more go. I don't want an opionion on me, or DW, bad or good; that doesn't help anyone. I want to try and put that uglyness behind us, rebuild the relationship as if from day 1; we work can work on that, but only if we have time together to do so. How, can we get the kids in bed and settling earlier? Please can you guys suggest anything? What works for you? The older one, now just annoys the little one to wake up, while if the little one is awake, she upsets the old one. This post is the most heartfelt plea I've made.

Our rule was that they could read in bed or listen to a story CD, but at bedtime they went to their rooms. It never caused a problem after the age of about three, they just got on with it.

As others have said, calm consistency is key.

Hi Indantherene,

Goodness, no I'd never expect her to do anything alone, please don't misunderstand. The initial problem that I had was trying to get her onboard that we had a problem. A household where Dad works 8 hours a day, travelling 4 and then doing as many chores as hecan before literally dropping, 5 days a week, then helping on weekends is tough, and after after four years of it, bundled with a lack of time to have any level of time to build and strengthen a relationship, would eventually be bad for everyone.

I could see it coming to a head and because I love my family and want a healthy, happy, family unit, I wanted to really do something about it.

Hi All,

I'll just add a little update. Thank you all for replying to my post. I was really feeling at my wits end at the time of posting; we haven't really got family (hers are far away and died a few years back), it would help a lot of we did. Bed time doesn't have to be bang on 7pm or 8pm, kids are kids and we're sensible enough to accept that. We never shout or argue or anything like that; I'd never bail out of the situation and we are peaceful people. I'm not sure many people haven't argued after 9 years of marriage. :) and we wanted to keep that

We talked, and agreed that a loving and intimate relationship, is part of the "bricks and mortar" of a family, thats where the kids come from in the first place. They don't need be asleep, just settling down.

So, we did the following; The kids started getting up with me ( ~6:00-6:30), they have breakfast with me, I play with them for half an hour, do some cleaning and off I go to work, my OH got some time resting and they were on a good start to the day. We staggered the night times; little one goes to bed at around 6:00, older sister now goes at around an hour later, armed with in iPod shuffle (no LCD) and fine listening to audio stories for however long; no more disturbances.

We're treating it as early days, but the reality was that my OH wasn't happy being up there all the time. The kids seem to be less disruptive, by day and the benefits seem to be naturally playing out. I told my boss I'd have to quit if he didn't let me have a day working from home, which has helped immensely

Blessings all,

Hello - I would also strongly recommend watching some Supernanny episodes on catch up TV. She seems to deal with bedtime issues every episode. Also if you and your partner watch them together that would help you both to be on the same page. Hope it all goes well for you :-)

Hello MonkeyBrainiac,

Yes, we are doing that, my OH is fully onboard with it now, and things are working out. We came up with a funny way to talk our problem out too, by the way, try it out: "The Duck of Silence"

I got one of the kids bathtime ducks and said "see this? we pass it back and forth, you can only speak when you have the duck." It brought some silliness to a really difficult talk. I remember trying to interrupt, and my OH said, "see, I have the duck my turn to speak", so I had to oblige. :)

Peace,

I'm so glad it's working out right now.
Just keep together as a team and keep plugging away.
The kids will grow older and it will get easier!
Wait until they are teens and you are literally dragging them out of their beds and their rooms!

Great, this all sounds really positive and you may find the children are easier anyway if they are getting better and earlier sleeping. I have to say this doesn't last forever, but at least getting them to their rooms earlier will give you a bit of time. I'm glad you are pulling together on this, I know what it's like to feel exhausted and perhaps to blame the other one a bit. I think your work changes sound like the biggest thing that can be shifted, the home working is great, and perhaps considering a change to not have the long commute might be on the horizon? I moved as I work f/t and was struggling and it has made a huge difference.

Good luck with it all.

Another thing to add to all the good advice is, don't let them sleep in, in the mornings. Set your alarm for 7am and wake them up. That will allow them to be tired by 7pm and adjust to new routine. Also is yr 2 year old still having naps? 2 year olds need to nap in the day so they are not too overtired by bedtime (mine all did a three hour block each day at that age). Sleep breeds sleep at age 2.