Why does DH get all the respect and not me?

[jamieandcersey4eva]

DH is super bright, and has reached the top in his field of expertise. As a result we have a nice house at a prestigious academic university where we host people to stay often. However, Dh hates it, and only does it because his job sometimes requires him to and because I like it. He is generally quiet, anti-social, hates small talk and (his words) "Doesn't want to meet new people." He gets annoyed with others easily - he doesn't care who they are. People are sometimes quite fearful and intimidated by him. I am often left in a room with a whole load of academics who I have to chat to through dinner, drinks and make beds for, while DH will just go to bed at 7pm and never come down again.

I am the touchy feely one with our friends. The one who sends flowers, cards, makes conversation when we socialise, remembers to buy food for dinner, cooks, cleans, remembers people's birthdays, remembers important events, looks after other people's children for days/weeks when they end up back at our house. I feel horrified if I think I have offended someone and can have anxiety about it for years. I like the idea of creating a community and helping each other out. I think you have the picture.

Anyway, because of his absence, anti-social behaviour and general not giving a shit what people think, some enigmatic aura has developed around DH in other people's eyes. They want more and more of him all the time, and contact him a lot. In fact, if he got angry at them the last time he saw them, the more they want him. All thank yous, all praise, all complements on the house, the cooking, the stay, the DC - are directed to him. Even people who were originally my friends previously, I find texting him, calling him, emailing him, wanting to meet up. He hates it. He doesn't respond, but it makes them surround him with even more mystery. If I see people, all they ask is "how is your DH?"

All my life I have been searching for acceptance and to feel like I belong (i had a narcissist mother who was never happy.) I thought that doing everything you can to please other people would make them like you and accept you - but they don't ever notice me bending over backwards or really care whether I'm there or not. They notice DH ignoring them and walking out of the room without a second glance and it seemingly makes them like him more. DH tells me I have to take a leaf out of his book and not give a shit what anyone thinks apart from him and our family.

Is this the way the world works?

The world of academia isn't one I am familiar with, but in your shoes I just would stop doing all the stuff you do. If your husband needs social stuff done, then he should be left to do them. I don't understand how he can just go to bed at 7 when people are here. I understand in the sense that I'm the same and don't like small talk, meeting people etc, but if I had to do this social stuff as part of my job than that's what I'd have to do. If it's that important to his career than he should do it, if it isn't important than stop. It sounds as though your husband is placing an unfair amount of the burden to care for the social aspect of his job, on you.

As for people you were your friends but seem more interested in him and so on, my advice would be stop bothering. Only make an effort with those who make an effort with you in return. The others aren't worth wasting your energy on. Lots of people in life are shallow, petty and so on. It really isn't worthwhile trying to seek their acceptance.

What is your relationship with your husband like generally? Does he support you? Does he give you attention? He sounds missing.

Ah, academia, diplomats and politicians - those bastions of jobs where the wife's job is to support her husbands career and get no attention for all the work she puts in.

I agree - stop hosting anything, it sounds like you are surrounded by a bunch of arrogant tossers who only value academic papers being published and yet cannot manage manners or notice anyone outside academia (that includes wives and children).

He is someone. But who are you?
Do you get to do anything for yourself?

My Life - you can add the clergy to that list too

From your description it sounds as if people are interested in him, he has opinions, interests and a personality. You sound as if you just exist to serve others.

"Dh hates it, and only does it because his job sometimes requires him to and because I like it."

If he's only doing it because you like it then you can't really complain about him not making much effort or withdrawing. And though his job might require him to do a certain amount of entertaining, it absolutely does not require you to support it. As an academic at Oxford I know plenty of top academics. Heads of house, heads of department, statutory chairs. Male and Female. Married and unmarried. Introvert and Extrovert. Arrogant and humble. The scenario you describe is certainly not necessary - in fact I barely recognize it.

Do the hosting that YOU want to do cheerfully - and minimise the rest. People can suck up to him at work - they don't have to do it in your home.

My Life - add the military to that list too: there are lots of expectations placed on spouses there too with little to no recognition.

Academics, no matter how bright, are not exempt from the rules of social etiquette.
Your husband is a rude tosser, and you are enabling it. In response you are getting rudeness back from his guests. What do you expect?

My uncle is a top academic, and lovely. He's the one going round filling everyone's wine up at parties...