Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Advice appreciated

25 replies

nightingalesings · 16/12/2015 20:01

I'd appreciate some advice as I feel like I'm not able to get impartial advice from friends. Happy to take a kicking if that's the general consensus.

I decided a while ago that I wouldn't allow any future relationships to be part of my DS's life. this was fine for a few years but in the last 2 years I have had a relationship that took me by surprise and I was overwhelmed by the kindness, love and acceptance that my DP gave me (previous r'ship was EA). He was also amazing with my DS and I (stupidly?) allowed them to form a relationship and now DP lives with us - has done for about 1 year now. My DS also has a v good relationship with his dad and we have 50/50 care so a good foundation there if thats relevant - i think it is?

The issue is this: I have always had feelings for a mutual friend of ours but didn't think it was reciprocated despite a close connection that was/is obvious to all (inc my DP). It is now apparent that this attraction is mutual and I am struggling with the mess this will/has created.

Do I stay with my DP and 'work' at something that I believe has always had something missing, because he is a good, kind, generous and 'ticks all the boxes' kind of man or do I take a chance with someone that I have always had strong feelings for but is an 'unknown' in terms of relationships etc.

I would also insist on my DS not being involved in any future relationships regardless of what happens now - I have learnt my lesson on this :-(

I really would appreciate some perspective, I have read other threads but each situation is so very unique.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 16/12/2015 20:12

Do you love your dp?

If so make it work. The grass is allways greener on the other side. You have no idea what he is like in a relationship. . Day in or day out and if I was completely happy with my dp. I wouldn't throw that away just because I fancied some one else.

Justaboy · 16/12/2015 20:18

Bin there dun that and got a bit of pain at the time but it blew over and I wondered whatever it was I saw in her!.

As described some years ago i met a woman at work and a sort of situation developed between us and I was very close to having an affair but in the end did not. I still saw her around at work couldn't help really an i think my imagination ran away with me for a while. She one day moved on and for some time I was full of "what if's" etc. Anyway I saw her again a few years later and in the meantime she had married a colleague I had at a former workplace.

My!, how had she changed, she looked much older before her time, had developed a rather whiny voice was according to the bloke she was married to had several hangups and issues that i didn't have any idea about. I called it missing a bullet and wonder what it was that I saw in her couldn't believe I'd been so bloody daft and came close to throwing a very good relationship otherwise away and ruining several other peoples lives.

My tuppeny worth if it helps. I think there's an old proverb something like the other man's grass is always Greener?.

It ain't necessarily so!.

HandyWiseWoman · 16/12/2015 20:23

Regarding not involving your ds really haven't practised what you set out to do at all, have you? As you say - lesson learned. I wonder if this 'overwhelmed with kindness' is actually rebound from your EA relationship? Did you really recover from your that relationship? Was the EA relationship with dd's Dad?

You moved in very fast with your dp I think. Did you always feel there was 'something missing' with your dp (but moved in regardless)?

Not meant to be a kicking.... more an elbow nudge.....

Original poster

nightingalesings · 16/12/2015 20:33

Thanks for the responses - always felt something was missing but always thought 'what? He ticks all boxes, you're a mad woman etc etc' also always had feelings for other guy, throughout the life of my relationship but again rationalised these and most of the time got on with having a good relationship with dp.

Yes ea relationship was with ds's dad and I do wonder if I was so disillusioned following that I was swept off my feet by dp.

I appreciate the comments about my Ds and Moving too fast - you're absolutely right and I regret that immensely.

I suppose I'm not sure what I want from my life. If it's a stable loving relationship then I have that I guess. So why have I always felt attracted to this other guy - even when dp and I were very casual

OP posts:

IonaNE · 16/12/2015 20:42

No advice other than to point out that your idea of "not allowing relationships to be part of DS's life" is a downright impossibility. I don't know how old your DS is but, so, are you going to meet up with any partner in secret? Only in school time? Never at weekends and never during the 7-week school holidays? And what will happen if you see him in the street while you are with DS?

Original poster

nightingalesings · 16/12/2015 20:50

I get that but I have 50/50 shared care with ds's dad so I have half the week and every other weekend free. Also half the holidays. I have no major issue with Ds knowing them as one of mum's friends but not taking on any kind of 'parenting' role iyswim

OP posts:

HandyWiseWoman · 16/12/2015 21:15

I've had a long EA marriage and since then got very swept up and involved with a wonderful, empathic man. For me the new relationship was an 'emotional spa break' after the long winter of my EA marriage. I knew finally what it was like to have a warm, mutual, respectful, loving relationship, but I also knew he was quite wrong for me. I was lucky in the sense that he had quite a bit of emotional baggage from his divorce. If this had not been the case I could easily established a long term relationship but we inevitably split up (at a time when my therapy was really starting to work and help me move on).

This guy was pressing all the buttons that were there from the EA relationship and which had deeper roots in my core emotional stuff. The new relationship helped me learn more about what I wanted in a relationship. But he was my rebound guy. Breaking up with him was hard and painful. I was a mess and posted about it on here.

After an EA relationship sometimes in our defence we prefer to tick boxes rather than trust a connection with the right person.

I wonder if what you need is time on your own, OP??

Justaboy · 16/12/2015 23:21

HandyWiseWoman, If the OP will excuse me!

do you think that if you had met him at another time then it would have been different for you at all?. Can you say?.

HandyWiseWoman · 16/12/2015 23:35

Justa well he was right for me in some ways. We shared extremely similar values. In other ways he would never have been right (he came from quite a straightlaced presbytarian family - I um, don't - this made our age gap seem a bit larger than it was). And he had an emotionally enmeshed relationship with his daughter which really messed with my head and eventually caused the end of the relationship. I enjoyed the good bits : the emotional support, the fab weekends away, the plentiful and amazing sex but he was never going to be right for me. It would never have worked long term.

Justaboy · 16/12/2015 23:38

OK HWW understood!

HandyWiseWoman · 16/12/2015 23:53

I think that cos I've been in psychotherapy since July I have been working on looking after my own emotional needs where's the vomit emoticon when you need it am therefore now seeking fun and compatibility in dating, rather than the emotional support and validation I initially lapped up with Rebound Guy. I now get those from me vomit emoticon

Original poster

nightingalesings · 17/12/2015 09:17

I'm certain this other guy is not 'the one' but the fact I've had feelings for him for the life of my relationship makes me think that dp also isn't...

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 17/12/2015 10:18

What is 'missing' though?
This is something you need to pin point.
If it's love, then you need to end the relationship because it's unfair on your partner to continue just because 'he ticks all the boxes'
If you do love him then don't throw it away on a whim of 'what could be' because that way madness lies.

A few phrases for you

They say the grass is greener on the other side. Try watering your own lawn instead of admiring someone else's grass.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side, because it has been fertilized by bullshit!

Stop thinking the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. The grass is greener where you water it! Stay focused.

Justaboy · 17/12/2015 10:31

Nice one HBM like it;!

"They say the grass is greener on the other side. Try watering your own lawn instead of admiring someone else's grass".

Original poster

nightingalesings · 17/12/2015 19:38

Thanks for the replies. I think I'm having difficulty working out if love is missing - which makes me think it is! It's lovely to have someone care so deeply and look after me but it doesn't feel enough.

Though maybe that's just a problem with me and not the relationship.

I'm trying not to do the 'grass is greener' thing. This isn't really about the other guy per se, it's just my feelings for him seem important as an indicator?

OP posts:

Justaboy · 18/12/2015 10:00

nightingalesings As best as you can put it did you really fancy the man your with, some might say that's where he makes you well sort of shiver among other things perhaps have to "hots" for and all that?

Sort of, i'm a real Hi-Fi fan and there's some items of audio gear that you know its well specified on paper and all that but it just doesn't sound good, get yer feet tapping as it were?.

I suppose to be objective once i was in a relationship but i never felt as if i really should have been with the girl concerned. I always wished i was somewhere else with someone else never could quite put my finger in quite why but i did suspect that if i were then it might be that in that relationship i might have wanted to be elsewhere?. Seems a bit like what you describe?

venusandmars · 18/12/2015 12:23

I was a bit like you. Got out of an abusive marriage - then almost instantly into a grand passion which was financially abusive/unstable - and then a couple of years later met the kindest, most genuine and honest man ever.

A few years into the relationship with kind and honest man, I was seriously tempted by another person (another potential grand passion), and I was in a lot of confusion. MY decision was to look inside my relationship for what I needed (and of course to meet other aspects of my relationship needs through friends, family, community). I am so glad I did.

With dp I know I am loved, cherished, respected as an equal partner, valued and trusted. I can trust my dp completely, if communication gets a bit off kilter we can sort it out and get it back on track, we share the same values. dp has a wonderful relationship with my dc and all of us together have built a strong history and set of [new]family memories. We've been together for 20 years and I believe we will be ... 'until death us do part'

When I was in my confusion a friend said 'life is too short, go for what you want', but actually, I think life is quite long, and I went for what was enduring and sustainable and which would support me and nourish me in the long term.

Of course, it is entirely possible that I might have been deliriously happy in the 'other' relationship, but I think it is more likely that I would have had a series of consecutive (but meaningful) relationships. Of course in that situation, like you, I would have wanted to compartmentalise my life to ensure that my dc were not affected, but in all honesty, I think that a big part of ME and who I am is the person who is a mother, and I don't know how someone could have ever got to know the real me without being part of the interaction that I have with my dc - not just as a passive observer / family friend, but actively involved in some parental activity.

venusandmars · 18/12/2015 12:30

And as an aside, did you know that the grass on the other side of the fence actually DOES look greener. The laws of physics and the angle of the sun mean that when you look at your neighbour's grass the angle of the light is different, it shines through the leaf, rather then shining down on it, and therefore it looks more vibrant in colour. Also, when you look down at your own grass you see the spaces between the blades and see bare earth, and when you look at your neighbour's grass you see several layers of grass together and can't see the spaces in-between.

All of this info is courtesy of Gardeners' Questions Time (GQT) on Radio 4 and their suggestion was to get into your neighbours garden and see how good your own grass looks

Justaboy · 20/12/2015 17:54

I shall have to look up things like refractive indexes and the like, perhaps that's what gives the edge on some relationships.

Nah!, it'd never fly would it?.

Original poster

nightingalesings · 22/12/2015 14:22

I've been considering all your posts and reflecting on my relationship with dp. I think that it definitely wasn't love or lust at first sight, but we got to know each other and initially agreed to have a fairly casual relationship. The sex was great and he is a nice, kind loving guy who was amazing with my Ds - it was all this combined that made me think I was in love with him. And maybe I was, isn't that what love is?

But, I had a significant bereavement about 8 months ago and this started me thinking about life and love and mortality. So here I am: either in love with an amazing man but just struggling with compromise and life adjustments or I was swept away by an idea of a life that doesn't actually ring true to who I am...

Not much further along!

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2015 14:26

Well there's no rush so don't put pressure on yourself to come up with a 'solution' that might not exist as yet.
Get Christmas and New Year out of the way. Enjoy it. Then come back to this issue in 2016 with fresh eyes.

Original poster

nightingalesings · 23/12/2015 11:20

It's really strange how I can be certain one minute that I need to end things and then later the same day feel strongly that this would be the best thing ever if I worked at it

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2015 11:32

Try to just enjoy everything right now.
Don't over think things and just try to let it go for now.
Worry about it in 2 weeks time and then take stock.

Original poster

nightingalesings · 23/12/2015 12:03

Thanks will try!

Merry Christmas

OP posts:

Original poster

nightingalesings · 04/01/2016 14:42

Happy New Year to anyone still reading this!

I've taken some time over Xmas and NY and I'm not that much further forward tbh. DP is still a good partner who cares very deeply for me and DS. He's kind and considerate, I think he sacrifices himself too much for the relationship but that doesn't seem like something I should be worried about?

I don't know, as I said before he was attractive to me until I got to know him and how nice he is. I don't feel attracted to him at the moment but maybe that'll come back if I focus on us

Then I think, it's only been 2 years - sorry we shouldn't be here already even taking on to account a stressful year.

Then I worry about DS, how he'll react to a split and how I might manage any future relationship given how this one might impact on DS. How do single parents do this?!!

Apologies for rant

OP posts:

Flip