Useless dad...why am i surprised??

[willievertrust]

Hi, just wanted a place to vent, i split with my ex in feb, since then he has seen the kids about 6 times. The contact was arranged by me at first but i found i was always chasing to sort arrangements which stressed me out and was difficult when i was only allowed to txt between certain hours (he can and does txt me whenever so its double standards)

after a conversation a few months back it was agreed he would see the kids every other weekend for a few hours on a saturday or a sunday to keep a routine for the children however when his weekend came i didnt hear from him. whilst texting regarding our impending divorce i mentioned our arrangement with the kids and he replied discussing the divorce and ignoring the comment about the kids.

he txt me the following week to ask if he could see the kids the following day (giving less that 24 hours notice) i shifted my plans and said yes he could see them between the hours of 10-2 , he replied to say he could only do it after dinner so i suggested 12-3. This wasnt good enough either so i got a response saying never mind i'll see them next week.

The following week comes and i have to txt to arrange contact again.

i am in the process of trying to arrange christmas and have txd asking him for dates he would like to see the kids, he has said he doesnt know his plans and he will fit around me, ive offered 2 dates and said he can see them xmas eve morning, i told him this on friday and have still not had a reply. i have just spoken to him regarding a house issue (im selling) and mentioned seeing the kids at christmas and he has again said he doesnt know his plans..... is it just me or should he be planning his christmas around seeing his children at least once! i cannot commit to plans now as i do not know when he plans to see the kids.

The children dont ask to see their dad ever. he has never asked about a permanent arrangement so i just feel like he doesnt care. since our split my ex inlaws have distanced themselves from the children.

I am not surprised by any of this really but im at a loss as to how anyone can be like this.

What do you mean, you were "only allowed to text between certain hours"?

Text whenever the fuck you want. He can switch off his own phone if there are certain hours where it is inconvenient to have it beep or vibrate . Sounds more like he is being controlling, and you're falling into line with it.

If you believe contact is beneficial for the kids, make a contact agreement part of the divorce agreement. Then do not deviate from it. (eg. don't let him make short-notice changes of plan: if it's not in the agreement, it doesn't happen.)

believe me i txt whenever i want but he is awkward and rather than reply with a yes or no that is required i get a "txt me tomorrow not at night please" i wouldnt mind if he replied the following day i just txt when i have reason too.

my children are at an age where they have been used to their dad being around, i dont want to stop contact for them for that reason however i dont think they benefit in any other way.

i dont need it in writing in the divorce as i know he will never try for custody but i wish he would put them first occasionally.

I know a few dads who would kill to see there kids and dont get the chance but he just doesnt seem to care.

You can't change him.

A formal contact agreement might give you more peace of mind, and more predictability for the kids.

Yes you can (and must) commit to plans for Xmas: you have to stop waiting on him to come up with arrangements. You're going to let him mess up Xmas for you and the dc if you don't make a stand.

So decide what you're doing and tell him when the kids are available for him to see. Have a backup thing to do if he doesn't turn up and don't change your plans the rest of the time. He doesn't give a shit about messing you and the dc about so stop giving him the power.

And you say the dc don't ask for him, so keep it all very low key and if he doesn't turn up, they won't be too bothered.

Yep contact agreement, same days/times every week and stick to it.