38 weeks pregnant and husband doesn't love me

[MummyNearTheEdge]

First time posting and am hoping for support and advice, please. We have a gorgeous 6yr DS and I am 38 weeks pregnant with no.2 and even though I've had ups and downs with my husband, I really didn't see this coming. We've been making efforts to make our relationship work and things have seemed better. Historically, he's been a bit of a cold fish towards DS and I but he says he wants to put things right and have more relaxed and happy relationships with us.
My husband and I are currently planning on buying a house and the company brokering our mortgage asked us to update the file and send through some docs. My husband said he'd do it and actually told me he was getting documents sorted. Well that was a week ago and when I arrived home last night, he said he had no intention of buying the house anymore and he didn't love me. He admitted he'd not done anything about mortgage too. He'd packed the car to leave whilst I was at work but for some reason, he didn't go.
He says he's going to help when the baby is born but this is torture as I know that one day he's going to leave and that could be tomorrow, next week or when his official paternity leave ends.
It's tough because I think he's playing on the fact that I love him and won't ask him to leave. I have said he needs to do the right thing and if he truly doesn't love me, then he should be honest and leave. He asked me to write an email to say I want him to go which seems both cruel and ridiculous.
When he leaves, he leaves me as a single mum on Maternity Pay with no house (I have to move out of our rented home in March). I'm worried about so many things and my head is spinning as I don't know what to make of all this.

What a dreadful thing to happen to you, I am so sorry. I agree with those posters who say to tell your friends and family - he won't want you to as it exposes his heinous behaviour but you will get lots more support that way and practical help and assistance.
I would also urge caution with the PIL - they may be lovely and they may genuinely want to help you but blood is thicker than water and they may well eventually side with their son (the fact that MIL mentions depression/breakdown is a warning bell as they may not wish to accept the fact that their son is a cruel heartless bastard).

How awful, I'm so sorry .

He obviously feels guilty about leaving so wants you to tell him to go, then he'll have an excuse. Bit pathetic to be honest. All you can do is prepare yourself for him leaving and focus on yourself and your kids. Terrible timing on his part. Try to get everything sorted financially, you will meet someone who will treat you 10x better than this man I promise!

This takes a special kind of wanker it really does.

Hi OP, sending you warmest wishes of support. I know you feel devastated now, and 'How could he?' is probably all that's going round your head right nw, but the sooner you find your rage the better. This is a fucking outrage. Tell anyone and everyone. On any level, this is incredibly shitty behaviour and the fact that he is trying to pin it on you for god's sake - it really is unbelievable. 'Write me an emal...' Jesus H. And don't save your PILs from your anger. They must feel utterly ashamed of him.

Scan and email to yourself all financial documents and passports. Any banking info, scan and email or save on Dropbox.

Have strength OP. He is a class A pillock but you need to be strong for yourself, DS and baby.

Lots of great advice as usual on this thread

How are you feeling OP?

Hello. Just come out of a midwife's appointment which I scooted to from work and am scrolling through the comments. I'm exhausted as I didn't sleep last night (only 2 hours) so am a tad sleepy!

He's on holiday leave at home and has been since last Thursday. I'm still working but he's done nothing all day and sent a text whilst I was with the midwife saying he's not picking up DS from school. Bloody hell, give me strength.

How did I become such a doormat? Feels shameful to say the least!

Just wish he'd do the decent thing.

How did I become such a doormat?
I think it just creeps up on you. One day you are a strong woman and then you wake up one day to the realisation that your life has not panned out how you expected it.
He really is (excuse me) a fucking cunt!!!! (don't use that word often so sorry) there really are no words that can describe him.
I hope your appt went OK.
Please please please do NOT do anything for him!
I can't stress this enough. Make his life miserable!

What could you do about this situation?

TWAT ALERT

throw him out.
document and copy all important paperwork.
get help.
tell your family and friends what has happened.
he's no use to you and has no place in your future.

is there an OW squirrelled away somewhere, possibly?

there was another very similar thread just like this a few weeks ago. lots of good advice there.

He's got to go.

Like hellsbells says, becoming a doormat creeps up on you.

Feels shameful to say the least!

Don't feel ashamed! Because then you won't be able to share this with people. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. You have done nothing wrong and no-one worth a bean will judge you for the situation you are in. It is easy to feel shame... if you are a decent person and have been made to feel like everything is your problem and your fault. But it is not valid in your case.

I used to feel this, as my marriage broke down when the children were very young and I felt very exposed, but really.... he was an arsehole, everybody that mattered knew he treated me badly and was glad I had got out. I think there are two things 1) women are conditioned to take on shame anyway and 2) it dawned on me recently that I was adopting the shame that HE should have been feeling! My arsehole XH has never felt the shame of what he has done, he has continued to be an absolute pig - why should I feel the shame he isn't feeling? Be proud of yourself for saying 'No More!' and stick to your guns.

Hi OP,
my husband walked out on me when I was 7 minths pregnant with two other children. I was utterly floored had no idea it was coming he just upped and left! At the time it was total devestation particulalry feeling so vulnerable and being pregnant. Fast forward 5 years i'm recently engaged to an absolute gem of a man and cannot believe I shed tears over such a loser.
You can absolutely do this and do not for the love of god take his scraps. I would tell him to find somewhere else to stay because you have a new baby to focus on. If it helps once my daughter arrived it was much easier to think 'whatever you fucking loser I havent got time for your pathetic musings' so i'm sure you will feel that too.
You are not keeping a winner here so why hold onto it?
Good luck op feel free to message me if helpful.xx

Is there someone you can stay with temporarily OP, with your DS?

He's escalating his bad behaviour in the hopes that you will throw him out, so he can tell people (and himself) that it was you who ended the relationship. I can't believe he wants you to write him an email to this effect - what a fucking weirdo.

I agree with hellsbells, tell everyone. That's what he really doesn't want, and what he's counting on you being too embarrassed to do. Well fuck that noise - get your version of the story out before you have more important things to think about.

Stop doing household stuff. He's taking the piss on every possible level.

can you pre-empt him by moving in with your parents for a bit, is that feasible? Agree with boffin, you've got a hostile unsupportive OH and you need to get somewhere you can get nice warm friendly support and minimize interactions with your OH at this point. He's an awful wretched person.

it's classic manipulation - my friend's OH wanted her to tell him to move out so he could go around telling everyone it was amicable and they fell out of love (he was cheating on her while she was PG and had a newborn). He went around telling everyone just that - no-one believed it though.

Thank you everyone for your words if wisdom and support. I have to say I'm feeling much stronger now I've read some of your thoughts and testimonies.

Ps
Don't forget you don't have leave you home when tenancy is up.
Please contact www.shelter.org.uk

Oh well if he's not going to do anything for you, in the hopes of you throwing him out, then I strongly recommend you stop doing anything for him in the hopes that he will fuck off.

I cannot BELIEVE anyone could be so petty as to be sat on their arse at home, doing SFA, and REFUSE to collect their DS from school - that's just unutterably shit.

And yes, tell everyone! Do it in the guise of "I don't know what's going on with him, he says he doesn't love me any more, he's stopped doing anything around the house, he's said he wants to leave me - what should I do??" Then you're not so much telling them, as asking for help, but they'll still get the info.

Op, don't let your impending birth keep you from booting him out.
I had DS 2 by c section abd was on my own.
It was lovely not to have a big unhelpful twat around and I had family to help.
It was a lovely calm bonding time for us all.
It would have been hideous if my ex was around.
Don't let his presence spoil the birth of your baby.
It sounds as if he will be no help anyway you will just feel angry aNd resentful when you should be at your happiest.

Op do you have some friends and family you can tell to rally around you? Please do tell them - don't deal with this imbecile on your own.

A lot of people are making a big deal about what he could use this email for but I hope you realise that it makes absolutely no difference to your final settlement who initiated the divorce?

Financial settlements depend on the needs of both parties, not on who is to "blame" for the split.

Having said that, I wouldn't be sending him this email as it is completely bonkers and not how sane adults deal with a break up.