Access to half sibling

[Fancyfeet1]

Hi, if i'm in the wrong place I apologise and please move me.

I have two children with my partner and he has a 16 year old daughter from his first marriage. We had regular contact until 2 years ago when she decided she wasn't coming anymore after we told her off for becoming unreliable, she was making excuse after excuse every week. Her mum has said she doesnt want to come "she has her reasons".

She never felt pushed out, I have been her stepmum since she was 2, she was treated like a princess whenever she came and we continued to do so after the children were born.

We have been blocked from her social media etc but we still send cards/messages/presents on exam results/birthdays etc and ask her to come to any holiday or event we are attending, we have even asked her mum to help out.

Our daughter has an ipod and she messages her daily and tries to facetime her. She sporadically replies and has not once answered one of her calls. We have even suggested she has the children for a couple of hours at her house to rebuild their relationship whenever she wants.

Now my problem is that my little girl is very sensitive. She is asking every single day where her sister is and why she doesn't come. We are in a lose lose situation, we tell her she doesn't want to come it will break her heart, we lie we are giving her false hope. Its not a case of out of sight out of mind because this has been going on for 2 years. My daughter has difuculty sleeping, she is still wide awake at midnight. I really think the whole situation is having a psychological effect. Combined with the upset for me and my oh it is a horrid horrid situation.

Now my question is... does anyone have any advice? Can we take her to court and force her to have contact with her half sister and brother? Is that too ridiculous?

This whole situation is making me terribly anxious.

There must be a reason why she stopped contact. She was a child.
Agree with others who say take the iPod away and talk to your daughter! You say you don't know what to tell her but this has been going on for 2 years! You must have told her something by now?

I just know the way this thread will go.

The sd should be coddled, understood and left alone. I agree with that as it happens, for the most part.

But the child who is half her age needs to get over herself.

And why? Because she was born second.

It seems to me that people who show empathy for SC on here can never seem to do the same for the other children caught in these situations.

But the child who is half her age needs to get over herself.

No one is saying that! What people have said, is that the OP's daughter has suffered a loss and unfortunately her parents haven't supported her in coming to terms with that loss. In the absence of support, this child is trying to get answers the only way she knows how and is far too young to understand that bombarding her SS with messages is bordering on harrassment, again, something her parents should be helping her to understand.

The parents in this situation, aren't being very responsible.

If you haven't explained anything to your DD, it's possible that she thinks it's her fault that her sister has stopped contacting her. From her point of view, her sister suddenly stopped coming round and now doesn't reply to messages she sends - it would be reasonable for her to conclude that it's something she's done. It's possible that this is what she's finding particularly stressful and this is the reason she's trying to contact her so obsessively. You have to tell her the truth - that it's not her fault, that it's an issue with the adults involved, that you're hoping her sister will get back in touch but that you don't know. It might be hard, but it's better than letting her believe whatever narrative she's putting onto it herself.

Do you really call an 8 year old messages her sister, not step sister, harassment?

I don't.

I call it a child being over enthusiastic, sure.

Everyone is scrambling to find reasons for the sd to be so rude.

Nobody is giving the 8 year old the same consideration.

So, sd needs space but 8 year old needs counselling?

Personally I would be as concerned about a 14 year old cutting contact with half her family as I would about an 8 year old worrying herself sick.

Firstly, I suspect that oP is only telling half the story here. So this fourteen year old was told off for being unreliable and therefore decided to go nc. Just like that. Really? The op said she was constantly making excuses not to come, I therefore suspect there were already issues which weren't being addressed, and rather than address them, she was berated for being unreliable. So she did what was completely within her power to do - she cut contact because she knew she would never be listened to.

There are plenty of people on here who have cut contact with one parent or another while they were in their teens, and generally for good reasons.

With regard to the half siblings, it's entirely possible that she sees the relationship differently to the then six year old, especially if she only had semi regular contact. A half sibling relationship isn't necessarily the same as a full sibling relationship, and there are never any guarantees either way anyway.

I presume the op's dd didn't have unlimited access to an iPod at six when her sister first cut contact, in which case why was she encouraged to keep texting/face timing her sister when she did get access to one? That sounds like emotional blackmail on the part of the parents, and is IMO damaging to both the potential future relationship between you and DSD, and also to the eight year old' swell being because she is constantly being set up for rejection. Not on at all.

Op your DH needs to just keep up birthday/Christmas cards etc and leave the door open. But the contact from your dd needs to stop. it's clear her sister doesn't want to see her, and as harsh as that is, it is better that she be discouraged and told that her sister will be in touch when she is ready than constantly being rejected.

And meanwhile you both need to have a look at where you have gone wrong in order that your DSD cut contact with you on such a spectacular level.

The 14 year old is now 16 though, and we've actually no idea how old the OP's daughter is as she hasn't said (all we know is that her younger brother is now 4). It was a later poster that decided she was eight. It's just as likely that she is 6 or 10 - there are no other posts under the OP's name so no further info to go on.

It sounds as if the OP and her dh have done the 'right' things with regard to keeping in touch with the older child, but she has shut them out. All they can do is hope for a reconciliation in time.

So the only advice that it's possible to give is with regard to the OP's children, and yes I would recommend counseling as it sounds like she is very distressed and the parents need some support to help her to come to terms with her losing her sister (plus the father totally bottling up his feelings isn't at all healthy either). Counseling isn't some sort of punishment or judgement, it's designed to help after all.

You have to tell your daughter the truth- her sister is angry with you and her Dad and won't be coming round any more. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong and her sister loves her.

If a best friend moved to another area you would expect life to take over and contact to decrease. I think you need to limit how much your daughter contacts her sister. There will be tears but I think your goal should be that your daughter sees her sister as family who she used to see but doesn't any more and contact is made infrequently - monthly? Special occasions?

It sounds like your daughter is too young for an ipod really. Obsessively messaging someone everyday because she can.

sorry, posted too soon
constantly messaging, isn't helping anyone. Including herself.

Sorry, I thought op said her dd was 8!