Help with sister

[Bumblefeet]

Hi all,
This is about my elderly stepmother and my sister.
My elderly stepmother (82), as recently come out of hospital, and needs our love, attention and care. She has nobody apart from myself and my sister.

She doesn't have a lot in terms of needs, but she has district nurses every couple of days to dress a wound which, in my opinion, will never heal. (she has very bad circulation, and it's been 4 months so far).

We also currently have the enablement team from the council twice a day to check on her, but she won't ask for help.

During her stay in hospital, the nurses put pads on the elderly patients, in case of accidents, and it seems that stepmum now has an accident in bed most mornings, by the time she wakes up, it's too late to make it to the toilet. She is mortified by this, and won't tell anybody her bed is wet, so I have to call her, and very bluntly, but nicely, ask her outright.

Yesterday, I was with her for 3 hours, then went to work (I'm self employed), then went home and did her washing.

(I've spoken to the enablement team, and they will check the bed in future).

My problem really, is my sister. She literally dropped stepmum off on Thursday, not feeding her, (apparently she had a panic attack and had to leave the house....), and saw her again on the Saturday.
She reckoned she checked the bed, but I don't think so.

I have asked her to help me with stepmum mid week, but she seems to think that the carers will do that. I've since found out that she was off work yesterday, and I'm really upset to find that out, as it didn't even occur to her to telephone stepmum, or call round. Nothing.

I've told her that I found that very upsetting, and she just says that it was a well earned day off. (She also very hilariously complains that she has just the 10 hours flexi time left, and can't understand why as a self employed person, I find that a little offensive).
I seriously can't understand her lack of empathy on this matter, and it seems that it will be me who deals with doctors, nurses, council, carers, laundry, whilst trying to keep my small business afloat.

I've told her that if she can't help mid week, then she must visit on a weekend, both days, and check the bed, sort laundry, and take stepmum shopping etc. She's gone very quiet, but I suspect she won't want to.

We tend to communicate by e mail in these situations, because she doesn't seem to like confrontation.
I would sever all ties in a heartbeat, but I really do need help.

What do others do in this situation?

It is the carers that should be checking her bed. What times do they visit? If you feel it's not enough, you should request more visits.

I'm a carer myself.

Would you and your sister be able to meet with the reablement team when they next attend your stepmum at home? You will be able to identify your stepmom's needs and the capabilities of the care team much better if you can speak with them. Does your stepmom have a care plan in place?

The thing is, she doesn't have to do anything. You are choosing to do these things, you can't tell her that she "must visit both days". It's a relationship between you and your mum, you can't force another adult to take on that caring role, however much you are of the opinion that it's her moral duty to do so.

You might be better off hassling the carers than your sister. Your sister will do what she feels she is able to, not what you tell her to, I'm afraid.

As unfair as you feel it is, you can't really force her to do these jobs. I would as pp's have said, talk to the carers.

I've told her that if she can't help mid week, then she must visit on a weekend, both days, and check the bed, sort laundry, and take stepmum shopping etc.

You can tell her all you like, but the fact is that if she doesnt want to do it then she wont, and there is nothing you can do to make her. Your best bet is to liase with the carers to make sure they are doing what SM needs them to do, and visit yourself at weekends.