Fucking song made some deeply repressed memories come screaming back

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Oh my God. I was just listening to some crappy 90s music and one particular song made some horrible memories come flooding back.

I was 8, tucked up in bed. Heard lots of banging and screaming downstairs. Ran down, my older sister was in floods of tears and my Dad had my Mum trapped in the kitchen, hitting her and roaring. My mum was screaming. My older sister was on crutches and we were begging him to stop. We tried to open the kitchen door but he slammed it in our faces. It was terrifying.

Then it was like a chain reaction. Other memories came right back. Like the time on Christmas Eve when Dad went to belt me and my Nan jumped in his way and stopped him, and he tried to push her down the stairs. Or the time when I pissed him off and he actually pushed me down the stairs.

I feel like vomiting. I've wondered for so long why I'm so fucked up. Self harming, anorexia, self sabotaging.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Thing is, everything is lovely now. He's calmed down, we have wonderful family time together. We have lovely family celebrations and I really do enjoy them. And I love my Dad dearly, he and I get on great now.

How the fuck do I deal with this? Am a bit of a wreck right now.

Fanjo, definitely haven't spoken to my Dad about it. We don't do that in my family, we brush things under the rug and pretend that they didn't happen. I know, healthy, right?

Scoop, I'm so sorry for what you went through. I understand completely being scared that you'll break if you talk about. It's easier to just shove it down and pretend, isn't it?

whatdoes and Jayne, thank you. Counselling is definitely a good idea, I just need to get brave enough. Will explore it in the new year, I don't think this is the right time of year to start delving into awful memories.

ColdWhite, both of my parents would completely deny that any of this happened, if asked. It's a very strange feeling, isn't it, to doubt your own memories. I think I can let it go. Parents are fine now, mostly. The wonderful happy family thing is mostly true. Mum is a bit overly dependant on me, and gets frustrated a lot. I do think she suffers from depression, which her GP has also suggested, but she'd never agree with that. Dad has actually been amazing lately. When my Granda died last year he was truly amazing. You're right though, I definitely think violence was sadly more common back then. I volunteered in a women's refuge when I was 18. One of the women was in her sixties and had finally left her bastard husband after 40 years of daily beatings. So awful. Her children cut her out completely as they refused to believe it, despite growing up in the house where it was going on. She was all alone. That still haunts me, 12 years later.

Thanks RiceCrispie and Pebbles. Again, I'm so sorry that you both have experience of this. I'm definitely going to have to be brave and do counselling in the new year. If I don't I'm scared I'm likely to keep having moments like this and unravel completely. And I'm close enough to that as it is.

Thank you, Elfish. I really hope that things are better for you now.

Apologies for the epic post. And thanks so much for all the wonderfully kind words and advice. for all of you.

Sending kind thoughts your way. I can empathise with this situation and what you've been through.

Do get help from your GP. You're not alone and shouldn't have to shoulder this burden yourself.

If you've got a better relationship with your dad, might you be able to talk to him about this? It might be playing on his mind too.