Trouble

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W had a three year affair, discovered 6 months ago. She's been a good home maker since then, but really hasn't done a lot to deal with the affair other than offer joint counselling - but counselling appears pointless as she is very open that she still loves the OM and can't tell me she wants to be married to me.

She has let slip that she was hoping the OM would have left his wife after their affair was discovered (his wife still doesn't know). She claims she hasn't had any personal contact since discovery (they do work together, so will have some contact). I am not sure I believe her, but contact would have been pretty limited as she is home early every night. She's apologised belatedly, but can't say it's full remorse (she may have difficulty apologising as it doesn't come naturally) and I think it's just dawned on her how badly she has messed up with our 3 young kids (youngest was 1yo when affair started).

My question.... what do you do with a cheating spouse who says they want to work on things (via counselling) but don't love you, love someone else and would probably leave you for them if they could?

Friends of mine where X had an affair and Y was still very much in love with X did reconcile. X's new partner turned out not to be all that after some time. X realised the error of their ways and pledged to work things through with Y. Y was very angry but wanted it to work. X had to put up with that anger as a token of their willingness to get back to happy.
If you are Y in this situation then your W is not behaving as X did. Contrition is required but there seems to be no real sense of remorse for hurting you, just remorse that it didn't work out with her affair.
Don't model being a doormat for your dc.

Agree with giddy. Remorse is utterly vital IMO.

Thanks - she now says how sorry she is (although only in an email and only after I pointed out she hadn't said sorry for the shitty things she did - lying, deceit, false anger, etc). She's always had issues saying sorry and is also a good actress, so confusing about how real it is.

She really hasn't faced up to it and wants to sweep affair under the carpet and move onto fixing the marriage instead. I don't think the marriage repair industry helps as they tend to suggest the victim is to blame for not meeting needs, etc, which then just feeds the cheater's feelings of entitlement to having an affair. That plus her reinvention of our history to justify her affair is probably why she isn't really sorry and wants to quickly move on to fixing what she things is wrong with me.

That's not very attractive for a number of reasons, not least that I know I am second prize here.

The good home maker comment is very telling. So is what shall I do with them. Good lord this isn't the 1800s

She needs to read and act with 100% sincerity and commitment as directed in each of the 17 steps in this book - the ball is 100% in her court - the author has been a marriage counsellor for 30 years - very few marriages can rebuild successfully after an affair - those that have any chance - the spouse needs to do this programme....

www.amazon.co.uk/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

If you google the author you can download the book for free somewhere.

I think it is brilliant. Worked for us. It gave me a valuable tool and structure to understand what practically was required by him for us to have any chance of moving forward.

It is also useful - as you can cut to the chase and see sooner rather than later that you all need to move on.

Loooopo

Thanks - found it for free. Very interesting and thanks for sharing. I am glad you managed to work things out in your situation.

It's very balanced, especially for a Christian based book, which I found to be more focuses on forgiveness and less on cheater's "getting it" as the author points out.

Unfortunately I think we're headed for separation. Tough on the kids, but she has been anything but reflective and has refused to face up to what she did - blaming problems in our marriage for the affair (and eg communications issues for problems in the marriage... Rather than her behaviour - gaslighting, shutting me out, hostility, etc - as part of the affair). She is treating me like I am only worthy for the pay and stability I provide, and I can't see a marriage working on that basis. She told me (again) she still has feelings for the other guy. Honesty is great, but she's done nothing to get over him (like working out he's cheated on his wife for 3 years, whilst using my WS....).

I'll leave the door slightly ajar, but without the realisation of what she's lost (me and 50% of the kids), I just don't think she'll "get it". I have taken a detached position on this... If she doens't get it, I am ok with moving on without her and will already be out of the house. If she does the work and demonstrates she's dealt with her issues, then that is an option as well. But not for a long time. I would rather spend that time with our kids.

I am glad you found it helpful. It does sound like she is not engaging or committed to rebuilding.

It sounds like she is resentfully staying in the marriage because the OM did not follow through for her. That is a really toxic place for you all to live emotionally.

I hope that you find the strength and focus to walk away with dignity so that your children have the healthy emotional environment in which to thrive - you all deserve that.

There seems that there is little to analyse or dissect to achieve anything productive in your situation.

The cheater can never point the finger and blame the other spouse for their infidelity no matter how miserable the marriage -- they had many options to leave the marriage or try to fix before they chose to be adulterous. So no not ever entertain any of those thoughts or accusations.