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Original poster

Emotionally Unavailable?

55 replies

Parker08 · 14/12/2015 01:57

Hello all!

After 2 weeks of hell I'm finally eating and sleeping. I'm so upset, maybe you can give me some insight.

We had spoken off and on for months, but then he went after me hard and we started dating. He's a band manager and travels for a couple of months at a time, and he's been traveling for most of this year and I don't have a problem with it as I'm pretty independent.

He had the summer off so we spent a lot of time together, going out to eat, shopping, etc. The sex was amazing, he was super cuddly and we would spend hours talking about our lives. He went away for work for a few weeks and kept texting me, sweet emotional things and I knew he was falling for me. I was falling for him. We learned a lot about each other and always laughed and watched movies and felt comfortable with one another.

We had a few days together and they were nice. He went on his trip and shortly after he texted me and told me he loves me. I reciprocated and Was super happy.

That was three months ago. He started going 3 or 4 days without texting me and would claim to be busy. We would still have conversations and he would still be lovely so I gave him space and didn't push him. He's been divorced for a long time and doesn't like to fall in love, so I didn't want to pressure him. He mentioned that girls in the past have had a problem with his traveling.

I would be super nervous when it would be 4 days without a text, but he would always come back and be loving. I did want to have a Skype session but I never asked.

But then the days without hearing from him grew. He would ignore my texts (just little nice texts saying I missed him and such. I would send one every 2 days or so) yet would be on social media. I lost it after seeing a bunch of girls on his Facebook page and called him out. He has a bit of a reputation and I'm not stupid. We had a huge fight and I thought that was it. A week later he was back and calling me a pet name. I told him I missed him 2 days later. Nothing. I texted him again a week after. Nothing.

I'm very confused. I do think he's seeing other girls(we never had the talk but had a conversation before he left that we weren't sleeping with other people). He had the chance to end it when we fought, but he didn't. Then he came back and now it's been 2 weeks.

7 months and he just disappears? I'm heartbroken. I haven't asked him what is going on or why he's doing this because I don't want to lose my dignity.

I've read about EU men and he does follow some of the patterns, like popping in and out of my life, but he's never gone 2 weeks without contacting me and he has been pretty emotional with me in the past. We always spent the night together at his place and cuddled.

I keep thinking he's in Europe having sex with all these girls and has forgotten me. I wonder if he even misses me at all. It makes me sad and i was always so good to him.

He could have just broken it off when we fought and blocked me. I'm so confused why he's silent.

OP posts:
MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 13:11

~A band manager?

You know what, I lost interest in a man recently because he'd been clubbing twice in a month (he is 46).

Somebody once said ''the man who'll make you happy is not the one who's walking away from you" and I constantly remind myself of this. I met a man who didn't want the same thing that I want a few months ago and he contacts me, to be friends (?) not sure, but I remind myself of that quote repeatedly and it works wonders. Not sure if it was oprah winfrey or socrates or lisa simpson who said it but whoever, it's a good one.

miserylurvescompany · 14/12/2015 13:18

the man who'll make you happy is not the one who's walking away from you

I LOVE this!!!!

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 13:22

I just wish he had never said he loved me, I was the one, and talked about our future. Is this what baggagereclaim refers to as Future Faking?

Was I being too demanding by asking for more contact than an "I miss you" crumb every 3 days?

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting this half a year in to a relationship. I don't think it's something you can ask for though. If it's happening, then all well and good. If it's not happening... well... you've got to pay attention to a man's actions not his words.

RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 13:24

Not sure if it was oprah winfrey or socrates or lisa simpson who said it but whoever, it's a good one.

And I love this Xmas Smile

MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 13:27

OP, it's not an unreasonable thing to ask but you sought to find it from the wrong man. This is something I've had to work hard to get past myself. I used to do this too until I had an epiphany. Still single mind you Smile

But I no longer torture myself like you're doing. Please take control and send him a text that gives you your dignity. Something jaunty and breezy (fake jaunty, fake breezy) like ''i can't remember why we're together, so it's probably time to wish you good luck on your tour and for me to think about what I want! All the best, really, but good bye"

MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 13:27

Ha ha REdMapleLeaf Brew thanks!

Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 13:36

I agree with you. I think I cut him slack because his father is dying and he has some mental illness. I just feel stupid I fell for it. I'm an educated person and I have an amazing life so it just angers me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 13:44

Thanks for all of your support. I'm glad I wasn't being too demanding and I was reasonable to expect a text daily. How silly!

If I was younger I would have been calling and texting asking him why he was doing this. I'm glad I've maintained my dignity and haven't said anything to him.

I am sad because I miss spending time with him and he's very handsome. I did love him.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 14:12

Flowers onwards and upwards.

Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 14:21

Thanks. He's missing out because I was very patient and caring! The women on his social media (claiming to be fans of the band) look like they are in it for bragging rights and free tickets. I'm better than that.

I'm still hurt, though.

OP posts:
MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 17:18

It sounds like terribly hard work being his sort of girlfriend. You deserve an easier life.

munkynutts · 14/12/2015 17:34

I've gad some kind of experience with this type of man.

My feeling is it isn't about being scared of deeper feelings.

It's about the newness wearing off. This type of man fast wheels through the honeymoon period. He was getting to know you and your body. He was feeling the first high of having a woman love him, he was genuinely enjoying his time with you.

Now though, you're a given. There's no more chase or "what-ifing". He knows he has your full attention. And its less interesting to him.

The only way to get it back to where it was with him is through mind games, eg pulling back, showing disinterest, making him chase you again. Even then, nothing is guaranteed. And anyway, why would you want that pattern in your relationship?

He's a Peter Pan. He always will be. Remember that and repeat it over and over to yourself. He's not looking for a relationship. He's looking for thrills. You can only give him thrills bu comprising your own happiness. Are you prepared to do that?

MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 17:38

bingo

Have been there.

Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 17:52

I figured because he had been married for 10 years that he wouldn't be the type to lose interest so quickly. Especially since there had been periods of time when we were apart as he travelled. How immature!

I haven't texted him in over a week. My fear is that he will get home before Christmas and realise he's alone and start calling me.

I won't answer.

After we had slept together he started with the "I love you, I care about you". He had no motive. I feel so stupid.

I checked out his ex girlfriend's instagram(I know, I know) and she seems so normal and pretty. The women hitting on him now look cheap.

OP posts:
MyrtleFox · 14/12/2015 18:54

That's why I'd take control and send a goodbye text.

Smorgasboard · 14/12/2015 19:31

How long before he said he loved you? There's a big clue there that someone is being disingenuous, consider that in future entanglements. There is rarely depth and substance to the words after a matter of months, maybe after a year or two? I've yet to be told after nearly 2 years, but that's fine, I'd rather be shown that someone cares by their actions, I see examples of that all the time. Who needs words?
Look at the actions, if you have to ask someone to text you daily as they are not already doing so, you are on a hiding to nothing.

Threefishys · 14/12/2015 20:08

You obviously consider the connections he has with the women in the photos to be pretty vacuous and your probably right and that's probably the exact level of commitment to a woman he's willing/able to give. High five yourself for figuring this out, reading it right, block him and move on.

Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 20:39

Do you think I was being too demanding asking for a text every day after 6 months of dating?

Months ago he was traveling and never had a problem telling me where he was, and asking about me.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 14/12/2015 21:42

What makes a woman look cheap?

Original poster
Parker08 · 14/12/2015 23:58

Well posting photos of your breast implant scars while in the hospital seems a bit tacky to me. What do I know.

When he came along I was finally happy, after a bad miscarriage the year before and my ex partner blaming me for the miscarriage. He was so attentive and sweet I figured he was the icing on the cake that was my great life. Guess not.

OP posts:
MyrtleFox · 15/12/2015 00:40

This limbo is torture. Far worse than being single.

Original poster
Parker08 · 15/12/2015 01:21

Oh it is. I don't know where I stand and I suspect he hasn't ended things because he wants to keep a foot in the door.

The sad thing is he's not evil- we've had such good times and he's capable of caring, but he lets his baggage and emotional issues and stress take over and he acts like an ass. I deserve better, but it's hard to let go of the person he can be.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 15/12/2015 04:41

Limbo? I thought it was over?

Sprink · 15/12/2015 05:14

I don't know where I stand

You stand where you choose to stand. In the relationship, or out. Putting up with this, or not.

He doesn't get to decide where you stand on anything.

Phoenix69 · 15/12/2015 05:29

Just send him a text forget the dignity stuff. Just say that you assume from his lack of contact he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and you have thought about it and you feel the same way so you are texting to say goodbye.
Stop looking at his ex stuff, delete all his contact stuff and move on, because he has.