Feel like I'm sinking

[Wishtherewasawayout]

I've NC. Not really even sure where to start or what I'm asking for. I'm depressed. It's been an awful few months with a catalogue of crisis happening with me and DC. I've been prescribed antidepressants but the side effects were awful and I stopped after a few days. I'm going back to GP tomorrow for something different I hope and general help.
I've become isolated recently as elder sibling has manipulated dm into spending all her time supporting her and leaving me alone. Both sibling and I live more than a hour away from dm in opposite directions but dm will complain that coming over to mine is to hard but will frequently see sibling and support her with her DC. I spoke with dm and told her how I was feeling about relationship and that I was struggling with things generally as she knows all recent events and that I've been signed off work but she said I was being unreasonable. I reminded her of a recent incident when sibling purposely excluded me and my DC from family event and dm had agreed but chose not to challenge sibling about it. Dm had agreed that sibling treats me unkindly at times but says that If I choose not to tolerate her behavior then I will be isolated. I'm so upset with everything and am constantly in tears feeling depressed and anxious. The relationship with sibling has been like this since childhood and I'm tired of being treated like crap by her and dm not standing up for me. Or aibu? I feel like I'm sinking fast with huge debts, housing issues and depression coming on. Thanks for reading.

If you want to see your DM why not invite her to do something nice rather than ring her up complaining that you don't see her? It's much more likely to be responded to positively than a moan down the phone.

Also I think it's very hard for a DM to take sides between DC. You can stand up for yourself if you want to.

Debts and housing problems are a real worry, but break it down into steps or go to CAB for help. Whatever you do, don't ignore them.

I hope your GP appt goes well for you.

It's hard to be positive when depressed. I was asking for support whilst I'm feeling low as apossed to moaning but maybe I'm not making myself understood. I'm struggling to care for DCs right now.

Your thoughts and your feelings are not your friends right now. They feel very real, and are very destructive - that's the nature of depression and anxiety.

Try as much as you can not to follow these thoughts and feelings - it is only a downward spiral.

Some tricks that may help in the moment:

• assign yourself 15 minutes a day to brood on how terrible you feel and how terrible things seem. Whenever you feel thoughts intrude at any other time, tell them that you will give them your full attention at the allotted time, but not now.

• Practice CBT techniques: it's basically asking yourself to move away from how things feel, and break it down into only the facts. And also considering what could be alternative interpretations, even if you don't believe them - just consider that there are other ways of looking at something.

• Practice meditation. If you don't know how yet, then a quick thing to do when you feel overwhelmed by thoughts and feelings is to ask yourself to focus on: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. It's about bringing yourself back to the present moment, when you are lost in the swamp of dark thoughts.

And take care of yourself: eat nutritious meals, sleep 8 hours a night, exercise every day (a brisk walk to the shops, even...). Everything feels crap and wrong and hopeless, but you need to soldier on through this phase, and in order to do so you need to take good care of your body, too.

And know this: It will pass.

All of us have times when we are laid low. These moments are hell to live through, but they do not last forever.

You have brighter times down the road. Hang on, take little steps, do what you can, and eventually this will be behind you. You can do it.

It's really important that you get that appt at the GP's as soon as you can. I agree that it's hard 'be positive' when you're depressed - depression makes that impossible.

While you are feeling like this, as hard as it is, try and think about ways you can get support for yourself. CAB is a good idea. GP is essential. And there's also emotional and practical support for you. Have you a friend IRL you can open up to? Have you people IRL who can take the kids for a few hours while you do the CAB/ GP trips? Try and break down your problems (which sound tough, btw, no question) into different areas and think of one positive step you can do / place you can get help for each thing which will hopefully make you feel less as if you are sinking.

At the moment, it sounds as though the more you look to your DM or family for support the more you are likely to be disappointed. Far better that you concentrate on you and your DCs and to take the focus off the rest of the family. You and the DCs are more important and if the others aren't helping - put them in a mental box and deal with that when you are stronger.

The main thing to remember though is that you will get through this. And asking for help is one of the strongest things you can do, and one of the best things you can do if you're caring for others. And in the mean time, push to one side people who are draining you. Good luck.

Address your more pressing, urgent and important needs (i.e. your health and your children's well being). But stop looking for things from your mum that, for whatever reason, she can not give you.

*"Your thoughts and your feelings are not your friends right now. They feel very real, and are very destructive - that's the nature of depression and anxiety"

So rice does this mean I am being unreasonable/overreacting?

I've made a call this morning for counselling although don't know his long it will take to be seen.

Hedges you're right I should stop asking dm for help as she's not hearing me right now. I'm so exhuasted emotionally I don't feel I'm looking after DC well, I'm here but not really present.

So rice does this mean I am being unreasonable/overreacting?

I wouldn't put a label to it, you're looking for support from someone who isn't able to offer you it in the way you want.

Hello OP, sorry you're feeling so low right now. Do you have an appointment with the GP booked for tomorrow? I hope they are supportive and can try you out on an AD which will help things feel a bit less overwhelming.

How old is/are DC? Do you get any help from the dad?

In terms of your "D"M and sister, you are certainly NBU but you do need to try to detach - looking to them for support is only going to lead to being hurt more. Feel free to come and visit the Stately Homes thread where we are all products of dysfunctional family dynamics.

My appointment is later today. I've no help from DC father and just want to crawl back into bed. I'm finding myself being drawn back to ex dp despite how rocky things have been in recent months he's the only one who seems to care.
I have friend to have DC tomorrow for a night so I can have some time off.

Yes pocket I've looked at stately homes thread before and realised how much is been emotionally bullied by sibling all child/adulthood probably effected my relationships with any dp , always taking crap

I don't understand your question, Wish. If you are concerned that you are overreacting, or that I was implying that you are over-reacting, then no, not at all. On the contrary. You are having a tough time. We all go through periods where we find it hard to cope, and the point I wanted to make is that that's ok: it's the nature of depression and anxiety to fill us with thoughts and feelings that are unhelpful and destructive. That doesn't say anything about you, your reasonableness or your unreasonableness. It's an illness. It's what it does. It definitely doesn't define you.

If meds didn't work for you, your plan to go back to speak to your GP to see about treating your depression is sound.

Keep reaching out for help, from the people who can give it. It doesn't sound like your family are your best port of call right now. But there are other people who can help you in each of the areas you highlight: debt (eg. CAB, financial advisor), housing (eg. Council), and depression (your GP, BACP for list of therapists, etc).

It feels overwhelming now, but step by step this will all eventually be behind you.

Thank you for your support rice, my head is all over the place. I will try to think about cbt techniques tonight after DC is asleep. Roll on bedtime I just keep on crying.