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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

All the people who have successfully ended it with the father of their children

25 replies

BlueBananas · 13/12/2015 14:22

How?
Just how?!
No matter how many times we break up, how many times I kick him put and promise myself that this is the last time, no matter how many times I have to do the embarrassing 'yeah we've broke up again' speech I just don't ever seem to be able to stick to it
How do I successfully end this cycle? It's exhausting!

OP posts:

hesterton · 13/12/2015 14:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatchsticksForMyEyes · 13/12/2015 14:28

It took me 4 attempts. The last time it'd finally clicked that all the apologies and tears were all bullshit t9 get me back in my place, so I held firm. Never looked back.

gamerchick · 13/12/2015 14:29

You realise that it's damaging your kids and may not be repairable.

Think of them and end it for good.

Original poster

BlueBananas · 13/12/2015 14:30

Usually circumstances tbh
I went on holiday with the kids & my parents once and saw lots of happy families on the beach and I was sat with my mum and felt pathetic
Ditto Christmas
And birthdays
Last time was partially because my brother told me that my mum had been saying that she can't wait for me to get a boyfriend because he was sick of being my date
Or I'll have a really shit few days with the kids and just think I can't do this by myself
Or the fact that he is literally the only man that I'm not related to that I be see or speak to, I would literally be single forever without him and that's a seriously depressing thought

OP posts:

category12 · 13/12/2015 14:32

I was never in this cycle of actual kick out & take back, but we repeatedly got to places where I was threatening to end it. And one day I was just done with it, and done with him, and it was no more, and there was no turning back or regret. Like a switch flipped.

JennaRoss · 13/12/2015 14:32

Tempting though it might have been to give it another go with STBXH the emotional toll on me and the DCs of the actual split was too much to ever risk putting them through it again.

And as someone said to me - if I had gone back then I would have put them through it for nothing - that helped me stand firm.

hesterton · 13/12/2015 14:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JennaRoss · 13/12/2015 14:33

Forgot to ask - have you analysed why you take him back each time?

GingerIvy · 13/12/2015 14:37

I have lost any trust or respect I have for my ex and would never get back with him. Getting back together is never a good decision IMO.

Original poster

BlueBananas · 13/12/2015 14:39

Jenna pretty much because I'm weak and pathetic and he knows it

OP posts:

HerRoyalNotness · 13/12/2015 14:43

You're not weak and pathetic, you're scared of the future and being alone.

How often does he have the DC? Or can your family babysit for you?

You need to start going out, joining clubs and meeting people. You will feel better in yourself and realise that you can do this in your own, and will feel stronger and more confident. You will realise you don't need him at all after awhile, and will be able to break the cycle.

pallasathena · 13/12/2015 14:48

It took more than one attempt to end it with the ex but what finally finished it for me was looking at him as if I was seeing him for the first time and thinking 'what the....? he's a total twat!' At that point something switched off inside and I saw him through completely different eyes. I didn't hate him, I certainly didn't love him. What I felt was a cold indifference that has never changed to this day.

Lightbulbon · 13/12/2015 16:39

Out of sight, out of mind.

It was easy for me, my ex emigrated.

pocketsaviour · 13/12/2015 16:42

If I'm reading your posts correctly, you're basically taking him back because you're afraid/embarrassed about being single.

But you're not dating, so you're going to remain single unless you keep accepting being his last resort, aren't you?

Get rid and get out there and meet men!

CharlotteCollins · 13/12/2015 16:44

For me, the fact that the single life was so much nicer really helped. Twelve years with XH really, really put me off relationships.

afreshstartplease · 13/12/2015 16:48

I am 13 months post break up after several years of on again off again

He is constantly trying to get it back

At times I soften and he is nice and I see the good times and I think maybe just once more

But then he acts like a twat and I think oh no, jog the fuck on

enderwoman · 13/12/2015 17:02

Write down why you broke up down.

Every time you waver or put on your rose tinted glasses, recite some of the anecdotes on your list. You'll probably have to do this for months before it becomes more like a reflex but working through a list like a mantra helps me.

mincepiesforbreakfast · 13/12/2015 17:08

Blue firstly I don't think you're weak or pathetic. I have a very strong bond with X and whatever anybody else might think that isn't going to go away. He is the father of my children and shocking as his behaviour is at times that's a big deal.

However I do think that once you make the decision for whatever reason you do need to try and stick by it, as confusing and difficult as it is.

I also think you need to try to adjust your mindset. I mean - do you look at women on their own with children and feel they are pathetic?

Do you see women who are single full stop as a bit pathetic? I don't; I don't mean that to sound accusing or heckling but you know, if you do, that's generally not correct.

I will always miss the person I knew my ex husband could be but that's something I can cry over in quiet. I don't see being alone as a negative. Do you?

Isetan · 13/12/2015 17:12

As long as he remains your everything, the world will always seem like a scary place without him in it. You've hidden in your relationship for far too long and now you need to emancipate yourself by getting a life.

You really do your children no favours by exposing them to such a dysfunctional relationship. Children can cope with change, it's the uncertainty that messes with their heads and the uncertainty that accompanies their parents yo yo relationship is exceptionally difficult, as it interferes with their relationship with their parents.

VaticanAssassin · 13/12/2015 17:43

Yes I left my XH, we had 2 children and we were married for 10years. Just like you, it was the 'make up and break up' gift that kept on giving.

The fact you call yourself weak and pathetic (you aren't, by the way) makes me wonder if you are getting back with him out of routine and a falsely-held duty, rather than love. It was that for me. Or because the idea of going it alone is intimidating, after so long.

That happened with me, but eventually you realise that it chips away at who you are, and staying 'for the kids' rarely works, even less so if you are on and off! It must be as confusing for them as it is tiring for you

We'd spent the last Year of the marriage totally without closeness or intimacy, he'd hurt me that much I couldn't stand him to touch me- but was still sticking with him for the DCS and because of the comfort in familiarity, but I wasn't happy. In fact I was desperately unhappy but had no-one to admit it to.
I went on an evening out with friends, and an absolutely beautiful man started talking to me. I was honest, said I was married, and left after a conversation. Nothing happened but I wanted it to. It helped me and my confidence no end, that a man would still find me worthy of a conversation, and found me attractive. Something woke up in me that thought, "i actually do want to be seen for more than just a cleaner, arse-wiper and part of the furniture- i wanted to kiss, hold someone and make love have great sex but just not with the man I married. It had gone.
We had nothing holding us together anymore except the children, being raised in a home where their father was unreliable and immature, and their Mother wasn't happy.
You just have to be ready to make the break, and be strong enough to keep your resolve.

marzipanmaggie · 13/12/2015 23:42

OP you will get to that point. It takes a while. And it's understandable that you are going to have regrets and false starts. I was like that for about 2 years before I finally did it and then, like category12 it was as if a switch flipped.

After years of feeling heartbroken and paranoid and wondering where he was and who he was with I now feel nothing, couldn't give a shit who he is sleeping with and can't think of anything worse than having him living under my roof.

But you do have to be quite tough with yourself and practice mental toughness to get to that point.

Seeing couples together isn't a good enough reason to get back with someone you don't love. Wanting to be part of a couple doesn't make it alright to keep putting yourself and your kids through it. You need to get to a place where you are sure that life without him is better than life with him. Which in your rational moments you clearly know. But you need to keep reminding yourself of why and drumming it into yourself. Of course there are going to be regrets and temptations. But for yourself and your children you need to keep on pushing past it.

It's not easy -- its probably the hardest thing I've ever done. But now I've done it I wish I'd done it years earlier and you will feel like that too.

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 23:47

It is hard. My x made it hard for me. He put me on trial when I said I wanted to leave. Turned it all around and made it all about my faults. He just wouldn't accept it. I had to sneak away in the end and then he accused me of ''abducting'' the children. It was hard and I agree with PP, the hardest thing I've ever done. The day itself, the run up to it and the planning I'd had to do in secret and the 2 -3 years after it but I still wish I'd done it sooner rather than later.

sefoolie · 13/12/2015 23:52

ps, never mind your family's focus on you having a boyfriend! You need to get them to accept that you have the RIGHT to be single, especially just after you've left a serious relationship. If you leave this relationship it's going to take a lot of strength and you don't want to make any mistakes in a misguided attempt to win your family's approval, ie, but relieving them of your single status! If your are single then that's not something that you are doing to your family. You have to do things at your own pace, recover, think, heal, learn to be independent and not have the added pressure of your family making cracks about you being single. They are really on the wrong page making those jokes. That's something to discuss in therapy!!!!

Mom2K · 14/12/2015 02:57

I kicked exH out once, and then allowed him back for a second shot at our marriage. I took him back because I still had feelings for him and he pleaded, said he'd change blah blah.

His second eviction 4 years later was final. I hated him and what he was doing to our family. He still gave the same I'm sorry, will change script but I no longer cared and I thought kicking him out was in the best interest of the kids (never spent time with them and was setting a horrible example anyway!). Yes sometimes I feel a little lonely and think I'd like to be in another relationship...but my life is bliss without him. Happier than I've ever been. Better single and happy (even if slightly lonely at times) than in a relationship that makes you miserable. And now he actually does kind of have a relationship with the kids. He has to get his lazy butt out of bed and take them out if he wants to see them now...and so he does when he doesn't cancel at the last minute. Don't take him back just because you don't want to be alone - it's not worth it

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2015 03:30

How do you do it? You remind yourself that you're putting your kids through this miserable and exhausting cycle as well.

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