A thread for those of us who may find Christmas difficult and what are you doing to remain positive

[whatisforteamum]

Im sure christmas is a tricky time for some of us due to family circumstances or recent break ups or bereavement.
This will probably be our last xmas as a family.DD is planning on moving our in 2016.i doubt dh and i will be together in 2016 after 29 yrs due to his anger issues and general coldness towards me which is showing no sign of improving.I literally hate being here when he is now.
,My df is most certainly having his last xmas due to terminal cancer.my coping stratergy is work which is going well (new job with nice colleagues) and i am being grateful df is still here after a few bad episodes this yr.So i shall mainly work through the season with xmas day off avoiding dhs shouting and sulking.Genrally treating myself to a few treats online and surrounding myself with happy younger fun workmates.
What are your circumstances and how will you get through this time ?

I agree about the one or two day thing,My "DH" is here for at least 2 weeks on hols however i get work to keep me out of the house which also helps me not dwell on df as cancer has been quite emotionally draining the last 3 yrs with dm and df going through treatment,and being v ill.i can see them which is great though as my boss has given me xmas eve off and xmas day,for everyone especially those of you trying to make it special for your dcs despite difficulties.
Reflecting on good things in 2015 is a good idea as we all have something to be grateful for ,

Thanks for starting this thread. It's going to be a difficult Christmas here as well but we've organised some good things to do and I'm grateful that I am in a position to do this.

My issues are around becoming estranged from my family and my mum having dementia which is a kind of bereavement.

I'm also focusing on next year - setting some achievable goals and taking care of myself and my children.

Hello signing up for miserable Christmas duty here!

So many people struggling at really terrible points in lives, big gentle hugs to all

Let's get on with surviving Christmas together...
Let's Eat

Drink
And be merry (ish when we can)

I'm stuck with a really awful Christmas time:

• Dad and sister died early jan (dad last NY day)
• they died of the condition that has made me severely disabled and reliant on carers
• which me and my sister had no idea about - and until very recently, I thought my parents had no idea about either, which turns out to be a lie.
• dSis, she never knew, she suffered and died without this knowledge or medical treatment. Often told by my mother she was being ill 'for attention'.
• This is one reason why my recent discovery they knew, is so horrifying, I could try and forgive my abusive nut fuck mother the way she behaved to my sister (& me) when I believed she had no idea what was happening... How do I forgive her for behaving like that with the knowledge that it was likely my dad was carrying a genetic disease? I can't ask him as I found out this when he was already dead.
• Me, I discovered it by becoming very ill the year I got pregnant, I was diagnosed when DS was 10 mths old. Was a complete bolt from the blue for me.
• And like a fucking idiot sap I travelled up to gently break it to my parents that my sisters death wasn't 'one of those things' that happens out of the blue, and that I had the same, and gave them a letter from a consultant which explained they needed to get checked out asap for it as they were in danger (of dying from it too).
• They never did and even when my dad was terribly ill and rushed to A&E he was discharged 3 times without even looking at his heart which was terrible of the hospital, but not helped by my parents/ mother who failed to give any family history
• then DS (5yrs) may have it too but don't know yet.
• The reality of being so ill with a child who may suffer similar is terrible. I think when I'm in so much pain, that he sees it and if/when he is told he had it too, he will have seen what it does to me & therefore what it will do to him. I can't protect him from it :(
• My mother is an unbalanced abusive fucking bitch who I don't want anywhere near me but me & DS are the only family she has left, and DS needs to see he's part of something. So I feel obliged to survive her being here.

But how? What my mother did this time last year throughout my dads finally days. It was unforgivable.
Then after I find out that they knew about potential genetic condition before they even had children... How do I make sense of that?

So, crap crap crap stuff, all made worse by my mothers enforced visit from 23rd - 27th. Maybe next year I'll feel differently (about her, or about having to have her here).

As I can't make Christmas something that's kind and gentle to myself, it's more about surviving it than trying to make it better :(

So I'm going to have to put on my big girl pants for the worst 4 days, and post on here when I can, to try and get through it without too mIch damage and hurt (physical & mentality).

Dreading it. But it's here. And January will be bad too.

But it's all for DS.

Just hope I won't fall apart physically or emotionally. I need to overwrite DS last years awfulness with some proper Christmas memories.

Usedand I am sure where you are must feel so tough. I know that security means you mustn't but I just wish I could share what I do have, which is a home and space, with you and DD. I think you are so brave, such an amazing mum, and have given DD what she needs even if she has a few wants going without. And the world is so cruel but I am in the NW to make you suspicious of offers for Christmas day. And you definitely need a new username to help you see yourself differently.

Miscellaneous that sounds beyond awful. As a medic I'm guessing Marfan's, maybe Huntingdon's, some sort of cardiomyopathy? Irrelevant anyway. The point is, do you have to have you mum to visit? Is it too late for an alternative plan?? And I hope your DS has a wonderful time with his amazing mum, which you are. My strategies for difficult relatives is planning, keep busy, and somehow get you and them separate. But enjoy what you can and be assured of support thru the ether into January as you complete the very difficult year of firsts that you've just lived through.

I'm really not feeling great this weekend. My sister who has decided to be NC with me spent this w/e with my aunt and is not going to visit. All because I had a mental health problem relapse in January. I have faithfully sent presents and cards to her, BIL and my 3 lovely and much missed DNs for birthdays and Christmas but maybe time to review this. The children who I miss loads are caught in the crossfire though. Sorry to whinge.

Positive thoughts to all

I am so very sorry to all of you going through such sad and difficult times each of you are an inspiration to me.

Can I join too please? This time last year I was heavily pregnant with a beautiful little girl who was very much wanted by us and our three living DC. She was stillborn at 40+5 for no apparent reason in March.

I am heavily pregnant again and so consumed with greif and anxiety that I fear I am letting down our other DCs. I even stopped DD1 going to ballet because there were a few mum friends there that kept going on about getting ready for their baby's first Christmas and so the last time we went I just sat outside in the car sobbing, waiting for her. Dd loved ballet I just couldn't face it, even for her .

This time last year all of our cards were to Mr and Mrs badgers, badger1, badger 2, badger3 and badger bump. This year all but a few cards stop after badger 3, no angel badger nor badger bump. I guess I understand why, people generally don't send cards to dead people and I guess I already lost one baby, maybe they don't want to count their chickens. DD1 became upset and asked if we aren't a family anymore when we die because Dd2 wasn't included in the family in cards.

When I confided in my best friend, since childhood, how we were struggling, she said she too wouldn't be putting Dd2's name either as it wasn't her preference, and then later sent me a text saying we should postpone our friendship until I am in a 'better place' the thing is I'm not sure if I will ever be in that better place, I just feel so sad, and even though I have good days too, I never know when the bad ones will hit and sometimes they want to hit me all at the same time.

Anyway I have already cooked, plated, and frozen the Christmas dinner, as I really don't know how I will be on the day. We are planning to stay at home and visit our baby's grave. I have put a new and pretty star on the tree to represent her. I just don't want to let the children down by being sad.

Sorry for the long post.

To all of you

This is well timed. I don't think I'll still be in my marriage in six months tbh. And it's just hit me how trapped I feel having to do all the family stuff whilst so desperately not wanting to. I don't have a coping strategy yet so I'll be reading in earnest. So far my strategy has been exercise and wine. The latter helps more than the former tbh.

(((3littlebadgers))) I am so sorry. What support do you have? Is DH there with you or lost separately in grief? I hope it is easier than you think over the next week or two.

DM died suddenly 2 weeks ago, she loved Christmas and had me buy all the presents just the week before.
We will meet up with Dsis family for present exchange then retreat to watch the TV with our PJ's on.
I really can't wait till it's all over.

Thank you peas, DH is wonderful, as are the dc's, I am very lucky in that respect. I just don't want to be a burden for them and sometimes I feel as if all of the emotions I have are too much to put on them. We'll get through it, I know we will, and as others have said the day itself might not be as bad as we anticipate. Just one more hurdle that's all x

I think it's the build up that's worst, everyone's expected to be happy and look forward to it. For those of us that are lonely, either alone or in a relationship, it's a hideous time of year. Keep telling yourself 'this too will pass'. It will go before you know it (I hope)

It will go before we know it, let's stay possitive

So many posts brought a tear to my eye. I had to just post to say how incredibly hard it must be for you all.

Christmas got better for me when I met my now husband, and we now have a DS which makes it lovely. But since my Sister died when I was a child it was never the same, always feel a bit of sadness. My uncle has just passed away from cancer and it has been very hard on my Mum. So I am smiling outwardly for my family, but inside I feel a bit numb x

We also lost a child. It's a dreadful club to be in. We've dealt with it in very different ways and maybe that's part of the problem. And you're right, it never goes away. Time doesn't heal.

Some really heart breaking stories on here. Hugs to you all. May Xmas pass as painlessly as possible for you all.xx

so much heartache im so sorry,Christmas just highlights sadness,loneliness and percieved happy families.I hope everyone has something to focus on or someone by their side to get them through the next 2 weeks into 2016.