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Original poster

I want to move, DP is refusing...

25 replies

PandaMummyofOne · 10/12/2015 21:31

Sorry if this take a while, I've not been on in a long time due to one thing or another, but this has cropped up and I could really do with some advice.

Back story for context. 10 years ago my parents were in a good position and built an annex for my grandparents to live in. It was a one bedroom flat, over three garages and a workshop. 3 years after is was built my grandmother died, 4 years after that my granddad had a huge stroke and then moved into my parents house.

The annex has stood empty since then. Long story short, legally DF has split his property in half and is going to sell the annex to a developer. It was built in such a way that it could be turned into a house.

DF has offered us first refusal on it. For a considerably good price. It would mean we could sell our house to buy the annex and then extend the mortgage by 50k, at most, to do the conversion, I do realise it is still a very sizeable sum, but much cheaper than buying a property of a similar size.

DP threw a temper tantrum at me asking if we could have a conversation about it. He refuses to add to the mortgage, move from near his parents, move from near his place of work, deal with the hassle of moving and converting etc. Which I understand that this is going to be stressful, however it would mean a maximum of a 20 minute drive to work and his parents.

He told me that me even thinking about this was a "pie in the sky" idea. That I have no idea what I'm doing, and have no right to think about this for our family. We didn't speak for the rest of the night, I left for work early this morning without talking to me, asking him to drop off DS.

After a 15 hour day, I've come home and asked if we can have an adult conversation where we both listen to each other (I am just as bad at times). He is now refusing to speak to me.

How can I get him to even have a conversation about it with me? If he still refuses after we've discussed it properly and looked into the finances and options etc, then I'll have to deal with it. But I don't think I'm asking too much to just talk about it, am I?

OP posts:

ifyouregoingthroughhell · 10/12/2015 21:35

I see you work. Can you get a mortgage yourself ?
Sounds like a good investment to me.

BrandNewAndImproved · 10/12/2015 21:35

I don't blame him refusing, I'd hate to live right next to any inlaws as well no matter how nice they were.

And it's not even just moving, it's conversion on top!

HappyGirlNow · 10/12/2015 21:36

Maybe he doesn't want to live right beside your parents??

GingerIvy · 10/12/2015 21:40

It's okay for them to live near his parents, but not hers?

You'd think he could have an adult conversation about it.

antimatter · 10/12/2015 21:47

Is your current house too small for your family?

Was there ever discussion about selling this house and buying another one?

Can you afford this mortgage?

Does he like your parents?

Does he like change or is he set in his ways?

Original poster

PandaMummyofOne · 10/12/2015 21:48

The moving near my parents is not the issue. It's the refusal of even having a conversation with me. We virtually live next door to his parents now. Have done for six years.

As I said, I can accept the answer so long as we have a reasonable pros and cons conversations, not just a refusal.

I'm looking into getting a mortgage on my own now. It's more than viable, but I don't want to split from him, apart from this we have a lovely relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

PandaMummyofOne · 10/12/2015 21:51

Hi antimatter. Yes he loves my parents I'm very lucky in terms of that, his parents are another issue...

The mortgage increase works out at £150 a month more. Easily affordable, especially when the nursery fees finish in July, which is when we would aim for completion.

OP posts:

janethegirl2 · 10/12/2015 21:52

I'd be very irritated about your dh refusing to discuss your options. I like to talk things through with my dh but sometimes he does not listen and I then will make decisions by myself - if he doesn't like it, tough as he did have the option to discuss it first.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2015 21:54

You have a lovely relationship as long as his life is the way he wants it and he doesnt have to make any changes that might make you happy.

Wanting to talk about it is NU at all. Surely if he has good reasons against it then fair enough, but I suspect he hasnt.

He wants to live near everything that makes life easier for him, so his parents, work, his friends etc and wont consider doing the same for you.

I suspect that this is a deal breaker and if you say that you want to go, with or without him, he will not fight for your relationship.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2015 21:55

You say his parents are another matter, would this be a load of emotional blackmail and FOG because they like to control him (and by extension, you?) so he doesnt want to rock the boat and have to deal with that?

frillybiscuits · 10/12/2015 21:57

My exOH was the same. I wanted to move 1 hour and a half away to where it's nicer and a tad cheaper because where we live now is admittedly a shithole and I don't want to raise our daughter here. He said no because he doesn't want to be that far away from his precious 'mummykins' (barf) and that if I wanted to move I could go but he wouldn't be able to be in our lives.

Do what you feel is right and makes you happy, don't let him hold you back by being petty

Squeegle · 10/12/2015 21:59

How can it be a lovely relationship if he flies off the handle like this? Is this the only time he's done this?

Oysterbabe · 10/12/2015 22:06

I'd be surprised if moving next to your parents wasn't a factor. My in-laws are great but hell would freeze over before I moved next door.

Morganly · 10/12/2015 22:28

Even if you manage to get him to have the rational conversation now, I think it's quite clear he's not going to agree, is he?

No you definitely were not asking too much to talk about it. His response and subsequent behaviour is bad.

No point even attempting to have the conversation about the move now.

The conversation you need to have is about his attitude and behaviour and disregard for your point of view.

If you want to move, there are possible compromises e.g. a house that doesn't need any work and isn't next door to your parents. Do you want to move?

Moving15 · 10/12/2015 22:33

Maybe he just thinks you are crazy and has gone into his 'man cave' to process the idea. Where would you live during the conversion? Perhaps he is just really happy with your current situation and feels betrayed that you aren't and dare to dream. Give him some time.

Joysmum · 10/12/2015 22:41

No way I'd want to move next door to my in-laws, especially if I'd feel beholden to them because they'd subsidized my move. In years gone by I'd not have wanted to take on a conversion either.

That said, I'd have discussed it with my DH to put my views across. However if it'd been a previous relationship I wouldn't have, knowing he'd grind me down and only want to browbeat me into agreeing and not be remotely interested in anything I had to say (except how to turn it against me).

wannaBe · 10/12/2015 22:43

If moving to this annex wasn't an option would you be looking to move anyway? Tbh it sounds as if your reasons for wanting to move are more about you being given first refusal on a property which, let's be honest, is going to need a hell of a lot of work to make it into a decent house, rather than an actual desire to move.

I agree that a discussion is needed, but if I were your dh, the reasons I would be considering would be:

The disruption from having to live in a property which is undergoing extensive redevelopment. Having to deal with builders/workmen/bad weather which holds up building work, having to deal with getting the right planning permission etc (is there planning permission on the property already? Because if not you will need to obtain it and there are no guarantees). The sheer amount of time it will take to redevelop from an annex to a house, would you even be able to live there while it' being done? If you have small children this is something to consider.

And the cost. How do you know exactly how much it will cost? Depending where you live it could be a hell of a lot of money. I know that even a loft conversion around here costs around £35k, so I would be surprised if it really only costs about £50k for a whole house reconversion. And there are additional costs to consider also. Decorating/carpets/doors/Windows/kitchen/bathroom/small things like light fittings/switches/plug sockets etc etc, tbh even if the conversion was only an additional £50k you'd probably be looking at another £20k for additional extras.

If that was my DP making similar suggestions it wouldn't be up for discussion on my part either, sorry.

Bogeyface · 11/12/2015 00:06

He doesnt want to live next to his ILs but expects the OP live next door to hers!

I wouldnt want to live next door to my ILs but equally I wouldnt expect H to live next door to my parents.

It seems that he is happy as long as he gets what he want but wont consider doing the same for the OP. funny that...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/12/2015 00:33

You have a lovely relationship. Ok.

Apart from the temper tantrum. The temper tantrum because you said there is the option of getting a bigger better house for cheap money, let's discuss pros and cons.

Apart from him refusing to speak to you for the rest of the night, the following morning and evening.

But I don't think I'm asking too much
I'd say asking for too much is definitely not your problem. Accepting far far too little is more likely to be your problem.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LilaTheTiger · 11/12/2015 07:33

Spells seem a great solution

Original poster

PandaMummyofOne · 11/12/2015 07:39

In terms of our relationship, this is the only thing we have seriously disagreed about. We have petty arguments but who doesn't.

In terms of moving. No it's not because if it's first refusal. The house we have now was never my forever house, which I made very clear when it was first bought, but at the time it was the best we could get for our money. I would move 2 minutes down the road for the extra space. I just feel we've outgrown our current house.

The conversion is the easy part. The flat above we can live in whilst downstairs is boarded, plastered, and a kitchen put in. Electricity, plumbing, heating and gas, are already there. I know the cost because of how little work there really is to do. The upstairs will then need the kitchen removed to become a box room/ study. Then it's just the usual decorating, furniture etc.

OP posts:

antimatter · 11/12/2015 19:59

Is he still refusing to talk about it?
How long can your parents waitfor your decision?

Domino777 · 11/12/2015 20:06

How old is he OP? He sounds very pig headed and immature

EleanorRigsby · 11/12/2015 20:13

If you don't have to make any quick decision, then maybe just leave off for now and leave the idea in his head.
Some men can take an age to rationally think about change in my experience

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