I think I'm going to have to leave my family.

[PurpleElla]

My husband and I have always had communication difficulties. We got together when I was 20 and he 32, (15 years ago) and have always rowed as we struggle to resolve conflict any other way. We have been to Relate, and tried to make it work. We have three DC (4,7, and 8).

When it's good it's good and he's brilliant, when it's bad its heartbreaking and soul destroying and I get very stressed.

We still row. The pattern is that we get into a fight, one or both of us shouts and says horrible things. Then he often sulks, gives me the silent treatment for a few days. Then we go back to normal until the next one.

Well this week there have been several rows. Followed by him giving me the silent treatment, including during a larger family meal last night. I told him I've had enough, he didn't seem to care.

Ordinarily I guess I would stay in the family home, as he works full time. However I have CFS and aspergers and wouldn't be able to cope with full time care of our children. He does an equal amount of care to me ordinarily. It breaks my heart to consider leaving my children, they are my world. However he can provide a more stable life for them, has a reliable income and the energy to care for them more consistently.

For now I've arranged to stay with a friend for a couple of nights whilst I figure out my options.
What would you do?

To add, I found a list on his computer. It has dates, and nasty things I've said to him, it goes from May. This has really upset me. What do you make of someone doing that? It's only my side, nothing about anything he said or did.

I'm sorry your marriage is coming to an end.

Do you mean to move out yourself and see your kids at weekends or something?

That sounds very hard on you. Would 50:50 care of the children work after you split? Or as much time with you as you can manage.

I mean to move out for now whilst I figure out what to do. 50/50 care would be difficult, he works 50 plus hours a week, and I'm not sure how we would work it out. Also with no income I'll be lucky to get a bedsit so will not have anywhere for the children to stay.

Could you not stay in the house and stay with your children? How does your aspergers affect you and your family life?

Well you sound very clear-headed and realistic about this. How do you envisage the split and access working? I think you need to sit down with your DH and talk about it really as his ideas and yours may differ, particularly as you have always had communication issues. However, if you can come to an amicable agreement it will be better financially and for your kids.

If I stay in the house I will have to do all the childcare. My CFS means I have very little energy, plus symptoms like nausea, muscle pain, headaches, chest pain and flu like symptoms. My aspergers means I have meltdowns, struggle with too much stimulation, and have sensory sensitivities. This means three kids, all talking at once and their needs is problematic. I need to take regular breaks. I just don't think I will do a good enough job if I stay.

I agree that at some point we will need to sit down and talk it all through. However for now there is some anger, and he is giving me the silent treatment so I think just leaving to minimise disruption to our DC is best?

Is there a service related to the Aspergers where someone could give you professional advice on how to continue?
I'd really advise against managing the split by yourself - it is a terrifically hard thing to negotiate the breakdown of a marriage even when both sides are fairly straightforward.

It is not logical but the effects of a mother leaving the family home can be long-lasting and deeply complex. Fathers too, but society is geared towards that as a form of normality.

When I said 'an amicable split' I suspect that will involve mediation, at the very least. As for you not having any money, well if you get divorced then you should get a share of the marital assets to enable you to buy or rent a property suitable for you to have your DC to stay. This does sound complicated though and I agree that talking to a charity that helps people with your conditions may help.

What a horrible way to live and horrible for your children to have to witness.

Once he has come out of his latest sulk, you need to tell him the both of you need to sit down and plan a way of separating which includes the care of your children and how that will be run.

I wouldn't care how great it was when good, fact is, you are rowing because you simply don't agree and/or get on, your life would be less stressful not having to deal with sulking and arguments.