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Original poster

I am really struggling

41 replies

KaluzaKlein1 · 10/12/2015 01:21

With life at the moment.

I'm an expat living in a European country. I just had a baby. I'm really struggling with everything right now.

There's still a substantial language barrier for me. I'm trying but realistically this is going to be there for a while.
My baby won't latch properly - feeding is so painful. I've seen umpteen experts and none of them can figure out why. He sleeps poorly and I'm really tired. Tonight he's on the breast wriggling biting and pulling my hair and it's making my skin crawl with repulsion.
I don't really know anyone here. I'm not terribly sociable (the idea of mum and baby groups fills me with dread) and I'm not having any luck meeting people. Lots of mums where I live but my efforts to say hello are met with cool rebuffs. It is just not done here to strike up conversations.

There's very little public transport where we live and that there is is not accessible with a pram. I'm trying to get ds to use a sling but so far he hates it. I'll keep trying of course but right now it takes hours to get anywhere.

So I feel a bit low really. Tried joining expat mum groups but nothing has come of that. Not a single friend from the uk has kept in touch. It's like I've disappeared from existence. I'm worn down with tiredness and I want a break. I fantasise about getting injured so I can have some rest (I wouldn't do this.) I see the rest of my life stretching out in a country where I'll always be an outsider and it fills me with despair.

I mentioned I felt low to the doc on our last check up but they were pretty dismissive and told me to go out to baby groups (yuck, I don't want to and I can't get to them!)

Not sure what I'm asking really. Self pitying rant over :(

OP posts:

April2013 · 10/12/2015 14:58

Perhaps just accept baby groups too hard at the moment as it is winter and maybe when your DS is older try again, I think it does get easier at baby groups when they get older as it is more about them and that takes away the awkwardness, you will just be busy chasing them around. You need to make being at home more pleasant - sounds like if you can fix the feeding problem you will feel a lot better, try to get more help on that front, good luck.

Original poster

KaluzaKlein1 · 10/12/2015 15:07

No I'm not sleeping. Ds isn't a good sleeper and even when he does drop off I find it hard to rest. I find it difficult to sleep when he sleeps. He is I've had sleep problems for years so it's not much worse than that. I probably get 3-4 hours a night but broken up into short periods. Pretty normal with a new baby.

I feel like I want to cry but it never quite happens. just a sense of deep, paralysing despair

OP posts:

Itisbetternow · 10/12/2015 15:31

Ok I had same problems breastfeeding. To the stage that when baby cried I had bad feelings. It took my cousin visiting me who said enough is enough and took me to the shops to buy bottles and milk. It changed my life. No more crying everytine the baby fed. I could now enjoy holding the baby and feed him. My attitude now is a happy mum is a happy child. Look after yourself.

Also what do you want to do or change? It is hard but you need to take responsibility of your life. You are a good mum.

April2013 · 10/12/2015 16:06

I'm sorry you have depression and the doctor being totally incompetent about it, you should be offered talking therapy type stuff and drugs - and for the former you should be high priority as you have a young baby. I think your doctor being so rubbish has thrown you, the same happened to me but with ocd\anxiety, a rubbish doctor made me feel even worse and it was soul destroying. You just need a different doctor, can you find out what is available there online or go to a different doctor or look into private counselling? I struggled massively with ocd and anxiety when my baby was young and I struggled on with it for over a year before I sought help, I wish I could go back in time and get help sooner. I think some exercise and daylight might help, even if it us just walking round the block before it goes dark, but most important is you get help with BF and or decide to swap to formula so the feeding problem is fixed, that may in turn ease the sleep problem. I understand that feeling of being paralysed, but it is going to be OK, you just need some help. How you feel is very common so even though you feel alone you are not, it is just you are in a new country and your doctor is rubbish.

mix56 · 10/12/2015 16:06

I feel for you, I had a very similar time when I had my first DD. & it only improved finally when she started school. I did have one english acquaintance but she was always busy... I had a mil ho helped a tiny bit, for the odd hour... but I was lonely, & lost, & baby cried a lot & didn't sleep. P was out at work all day.
re doctor, you need to find another one.
Why don't you bottle feed now ? it may help with the sleeping. then you need to find something that will occupy your mind. What do you intend to do long term? are you going to try to work (I would recommend it) if so, you need to learn the language.
I really regret not working once the baby was older now, being a sham is not good for multiple reasons, isolation & self esteem amongst them.
Try contacting your old friends again, tell them you are lonely & miss them...
Are there any international groups, or Anglo groups in your vicinity, try googling... a female friend of any age will help you feel less helpless.
You need a hug ... it will get better

Original poster

KaluzaKlein1 · 10/12/2015 17:17

I will go back to the doc but it's likely to be the same one (there is only one at our local health centre.) I'll be more forceful.

I do have a job, it's long hours and demands but well paid. I'm on maternity leave at the moment. There are very few stay at home mums here - it's not really done.

I am learning the language but I can't go to classes with the baby in tow and I couldn't go to them when I was working as my hours were long . no one can look after him at that time (dh is still at work then) so I'm teaching myself, which is slower. I can get by but I'm slow and people naturally don't want to talk at a basic level.

I think the main issue is that there's nothing in my vicinity (other than about a million chuffing pine trees) - my own fault for moving to the sticks I suppose.

OP posts:

mix56 · 10/12/2015 17:57

can you get a car/quad/skis . You need to be able to move.
my sil used to push baby in a buggy on skates, & she in ice skating boots, around the iced over lakes in Canada....... something about being out of the house, & doing something physical is good for your morale

mix56 · 10/12/2015 17:59

do www.angloinfo.com have a site in your country, you could post for info & find friends. even if by email

mix56 · 10/12/2015 18:00

re doctor, ask if he has heard of PND ????

Flamingo1980 · 10/12/2015 22:51

Why did you move there if it's all so isolated and unfriendly? And when you were going to have a child? There must have been a good reason to justify this unhappiness..

janaus · 11/12/2015 00:03

Best wishes to you, and congratulations on new baby.

I am a grandmother, and you have done a great job so far.

Maybe it is time to introduce bubs to formula. You have given him the best start, but sometimes, breast feeding is not the best for everyone.
Also with bottle feeding it gives Dad time to get close with baby.

You wont feel like this forever, with time, things will get easier, baby will be less demanding, and you will start to feel more relaxed and comfortable with things. It just takes time.

TendonQueen · 11/12/2015 00:09

I have to say I also can't imagine what your long term plan was in moving to where you are. Is your DH really invested in living there? I know you said there is land involved and a plan of building your own house, but that is surely something that can't be done any time soon. Land can be sold again, plans can be changed. Even if it's an inheritance, living breathing people are more important, and that means you too. Does your DH fully understand how hard it is for you in this location? Or does he think if you muddle on, it will somehow all go away?

KittyWindbag · 11/12/2015 05:18

I agree with TendonQueen, you're so obviously not happy there and the situation is not conducive to making friends or getting the support you need. Is is entirely impossible to move somewhere closer to other people?

I really feel for you. I worry about this when we have children. I'm also an expat and I would like to have a baby but I don't have many friends who are longterm stayers and the thought of feeling lonely and isolated is sad.

Hurr1cane · 11/12/2015 05:41

It might really help if you take your DH with you. I know it shouldn't. But DSs paed never seemed to listen to me much until I met DP and he came with me one day. I talked and the paed listened then turned away from me and spoke to DP and asked DP questions which luckily he knew the answers to and kept looking to me for prompting.

It was appalling, I felt like I was living in the olden days or something and DP wasn't impressed, but he took things more seriously when said by a man.

I DONT think this is OK at all before someone jumps down my throat but it was a means to an end. I've never been treated like that before as a professional, and it felt like shit, but it helped.

jessicame · 11/12/2015 07:16

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mix56 · 11/12/2015 13:16

I thought that me & my H were enough, then the baby came.....
I was wrong. I was isolated a lot like you. Lonely, I missed the comfort of my culture, language, friends. my baby was difficult, no sleep, no one to bounce ideas off, no back up, no midwife.
I was lost & looking back it was bound to fail.

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