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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massively anxious

10 replies

Concerned97 · 09/12/2015 23:09

I've name changed as family members are on here.

My eldest brother has been diagnosed with prostate cancer, it's contained but 'high' risk as close to the edge of the "capsule"

He is massinely independent (pig headed) and when the any consultation for diagnosis or treatment was given refused anyone to go with him. Subsequently he came home with wrong and scrabbled information. His partner is just the most lovely person in the world, but a very shy person, always feels she can't question or challenge anything anyone says. We get on fabulously. So at the weekend I did some research about his treatment options, I went round and we all discussed it, he was really anxious and undecided, so i asked, would you let me go with you for another consultation? He sad yes, amazed and pleased as up till now he would let not one person attend anything! His partner was absolutely fine about this, was pleased as she knows I would ask loads of questions, be 100% honest and open about everything. Not one bit of issue there.

The issue is mine now, we went today, thinking from my research that I would be "favouring" one course of treatment, but after a long consultation I felt differently.

I'm not going to tell you the treatment plan, as I don't want more opinions, (in a nice way), but my issue is this......

I've helped my brother decide a course of action, what the hell do I do if this fails? When I went this morning the thought never occurred that I would feel like this tonight. I'm massively anxious that the decision may be wrong, I can't think straight.

Does this all make sense, please try and tell me how I deal with this until the all clear is given.

I understand the decision was not all mine, but my brother was a "rabbit in the headlights" and wanted my honest opinion. What if I'm wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
Concerned97 · 09/12/2015 23:11

This may be the wrong place too post this?

OP posts:
Finola1step · 09/12/2015 23:16

I think your feelings are perfectly natural. He had to make a decision and you supported him in that process. Simple as that. Now it is important to stay positive but take this one day at a time.

You sound like a lovely sister.

Potatoface2 · 09/12/2015 23:21

surely the consultant gave you a 'best' course of action....he didnt just let you choose out of a hat?

Original poster
Concerned97 · 09/12/2015 23:24

Thank you finola, my brother said he felt so much happier having made that decision. I think the enormity of the situation has just hit me. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Concerned97 · 09/12/2015 23:25

Potatoeface, personal decisions about treatment are needed, that's down to the patient not the doctors.

OP posts:
Suddenlyseymour · 09/12/2015 23:37

Speaking as acancer patient, the medical team looking after him and explaining the treatment options would not have let you choose a treatment path they weren't happy with. They will have presented various options - as there is often more than one way to achieve the same result. But they won't have presented any options which were known to have drastically less success rates than others. For example what order treatments happen in - surgery then chemo, or chemo then surgery, it's a personal choice but the outcomes can be the same. They want the patient and his support network to know there are options, and also it gets reviewed at every stage. So if it looks like a particular stage of treatment isn't showing any benefit, they will review and discuss with you again. Get in touch with macmillan - they are BRILLIANT. Just understand that whilst you may feel "responsible" for the decisions made, there is a team of consultants, surgeons, oncologists who are actually supporting him and will have already discussed his case. And the things they can do with prostate cancers now are pretty advanced; stitching in beads which deliver cancer killing chemo type drugs right on to the prostate, really well refined surgeries to remove it without causing the side effects if years gone by such as erectile issues or incontinence. They'll have it covered, and you can revisit any discussions at any time. I reiterate macmillan - you can speak to them as well, they are superb and have a wealth of advice and support available. But please don't feel you have taken away his voice or chosen the wrong treatment plan - he will gather himself, and think further about it as well. It's a common thing to be the rabbit in headlights but that does pass and he will soon be able to engage better himself. Always write down questions too! Best if luck x

Original poster
Concerned97 · 09/12/2015 23:41

Sudden, it was the Macmillan people we saw today. You've put it so well, no choice was the wrong choice, it was that a personal choice.

Thank you so much, you've worded that so well.

Thank you again. X

OP posts:
EchoOfADistantTide · 10/12/2015 04:03

Nothing of value to add here, but your brother's a very lucky man to have the people he does, around him to support him.

Original poster
Concerned97 · 10/12/2015 06:51

Thanks echo, I didn't sleep that well last night. I'm hopeful that in a few months time, things will be much brighter.

This is something as a family we have never had to face, so I suppose we will have anxiety about it.

OP posts:
lifesablessing · 10/12/2015 07:16

Concerned....my family has been through this twice, both chose different treatments, dont really want to go into detail in here but pm me if you want

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