I think DH has ongoing depression but he won't see the Dr about it

[MollyMurs]

And his behaviour is making me feel like leaving. I suffer from depression too, have done all my adult life, but I take a permanent low dose of anti depressants and my mental health is pretty good.

We've been together 14 years and all was fine up until around 5 years ago (DCs are 11 and 6), when he had a bout of what seemed like quite severe depression because he'd been stressed at work. This bout of depression co-incided with our youngest child, who was about 18 months at the time, being quite poorly for two weeks, and DH just basically left me to it and wouldn't have anything to do with DS or I whilst DS was ill. When DS was better I said to DH that I thought he was suffering from depression, and he agreed, but he said he will categorically not go to the doctor over it and not to mention going to the doctor as it would make him angry. I tried and tried to get him to see the GP. He wouldn't.

The depression itself seemed to 'pass' but ever since that bout he's been a total and utter arse most of the time; uncommunicative, won't join in family life, doesn't ever really talk to or interact with the kids, wants to sit on the computer or watch TV when he's home, moody, quite nasty to me at times. Just totally difficult to live with, and totally different to the man I first met. It seems like he just does unreasonable things and then gets annoyed with me if I get upset or even question these things. On Sunday night I was on the internet and he suddenly fiddled with the modem (is that the right word? the thing in the house that gets the internet signal anyway), and the internet went off. I asked him what he'd done and he was deliberately being vague about it and wouldn't really answer me, then when I tried to probe to find out what he'd done he got really arsey and shouted before putting it back on! That was all he had to do in the first place! And I was doing online food shopping anyway, and he'd have sure moaned if there was no food in the house!

I have tried broaching the subject of depression periodically over the years but he still point blank refuses and is in denial about his depression, even when I point out how much his personality has changed. He won't even really engage with me to have any discussions about our relationship, he just ignores me, starts singing, or walks off.

I am at the stage where I can't put up with it any longer. His moods are awful, he's always cross and grumpy and it's not fair. I can't help him if he won't help himself. I feel so bad for the kids as he really is a shit father at present.

What can I do?

I think it's time to issue an ultimatum and mean it. You don't have to live like this, and neither do your children.

To some extent, I agree with Bifs. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, you've tried every which way you can think of to broach the subject with him, help him deal with it and just plain put up with it. It's not working for you, not surprisingly! You must be looking forward to Christmas like a hole in the head! I have a hunch he'll loathe the ultimatum Bifs suggests you make though. Let us know how you get on.

He does not care about his actions having a negative affect on you, he's showing you that, he knows you will still stick around and take the crap, just don't OP, nothing to do with depression, he's just a nasty piece of work who is getting away with treating you like shit.

I had to rush off this morning hence my short reply.

I have battled depression for years, most severely after my brother died in a car accident. I was vile to live with. I was moody, slept all day, was argumentative and nasty but refused to seek help.

My husband supported me as best he could, but it got to the point where my illness was having a massive impact on my family and he told me unless I went to the doctor he would leave. And he meant it. It was hard, I was angry at him for forcing me and at first I refused to budge. Deep down I had known all along that I needed help, but the thought of losing my family was the kick I needed. It hasn't been easy, I'm not on medication and I'm so much better than it was.

It's exhausting living with someone with depression, but if he won't try and help himself there is nothing you can do for him. Don't accept a life full of misery, you deserve more than that.

When my DH was suffering, I left it for a bit but when it didn't improve I took action.

I held his hand, looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him but that he wasn't right and I missed him. I told him it had been going on for too long and was affect his relationship with our DD and that needed to stop before it couldn't be recovered again.

I said it was time he saw a doctor as when weren't getting through it with just us.

He was relieved as well as incredibly sad. He needed that validation to admit he wasn't coping and that I didn't think badly of him for it.

I told him I could come with him or if he'd prefer to go by himself then that was fine too.

He went but it took a while to reach equilibrium whilst the dose of pills was adjusted up a couple of times.

Love him as I do, I'd have chosen to ask him to leave rather than have the moodiness affect my DD as she has her own problems.

I'm now on medication that should read.

You don't have to put up with this. Being depressed isn't a free pass to being a grumpy git and disengaging from relationships. I usually don't think ultimatums are helpful. But you should tell him you are really unhappy and you can't go on like this and you need to think about separating. Also, you have tried talking obviously, so maybe think about how you could be more assertive with your behaviour. Don't make allowances. Tell him he needs to get off the computer and spend time with the kids because you are doing something else. Make sure you are not treading on egg shells around him.

Thank you so much everyone

I think an ultimatum is the way forward, I really cannot go on like this. I forgot to mention too in my OP that he also does nothing round the house and I'm not allowed to be ill as it makes him cross if he has to do anything. Feel like I've had enough.

I think his reaction will be 'fuck off then' as he is adamant that he won't seek any medical help.

OP, he is mentally abusing you under the guise of being depressed - you are allowed to give yourself permission to not accept this treatment. I hope he does tell you to FO and you do exactly that.

You are not allowed to be ill - c'mon OP, you are worth a lot more than this cretin is offering you which is pretty much nothing.

If he does tell you to fuck off, then go. He has chosen not to get help and live this way. Don't let him drag you down with him.

It seems to be a common experience that partners use their depression as an excuse to be abusive. That's all it is - an excuse, not a reason.
I feel sad for people with depression who wouldn't dream of being abusive. If a partner was nasty then said it was because he had a verruca, we'd fall about laughing it's so ridiculous

The thing is, he doesn't really acknowledge that he's depressed, or at least that he is different now. He acknowledged the brief period of depression that he had but as far as he's concerned he recovered from it. He thinks I'm being ridiculous when I say I think he is depressed.