WIBU to write to my mum explaining what behaviour I won't tolerate?

[MsButteryMash]

I've namechanged as is she saw this it could identify me.

I went n/c with my mum this spring after years of narcissistic and hurtful behaviour by her, including turning a blind eye to sexual abuse when I was growing up. It's a long story but that's not the issue here so will keep that brief.

I would happily never see her again, but the DC are asking why we haven't seen her recently. The older one finds her difficult and isn't that bothered but my little one wants to see her. (She tends to shower the DC with excessive presents which obviously works on a 4-year-old! She doesn't actually care about my kids and doesn't behave nicely towards them, but wants to be a popular granny hence the presents. The presents are always inappropriate, unfair and make the DC jealous, badly made tat and break, dangerous etc and always cause upset.)

I don't want my DC to grow up thinking I banned them from seeing granny and hating me for it. I cannot let them see her without me there (she's not responsible enough to keep them safe and has shown this in the past). So I have been considering low-contact instead of no contact.

I also have a stepdad who was a calming influence and who my kids love, but we haven't seen him either as he only sees us with her.

I have written a letter explaining all the reasons I couldn't handle her behaviour and explaining that we could meet up but I will not tolerate various things (things like slagging off my weight and appearance, inappropriate physical contact and oversharing about intimate things, and the excessive presents). It's calm and measured, not an angry rant but it doesn't hold back either. I want to say we can meet up if she wants but if the behaviour carries on I won't be up for continuing a relationship.

Is that a reasonable thing to do/send or would it be better to just continue no contact?

Part of me is worried the letter would provoke a furious reaction, or else it would destroy her.

OTOH I really can't tolerate the behaviour any more so I'm not going back to how things were.

I can't see the wood for the trees so would love to know what people think. Especially if you have experience of this.

That clarifies things. They won't be getting much out of the relationship.

She will ask what DC want as presents, then complain that it's not what she wants to give and deliberately mess it around, e.g. I said proper lego not duplo as she has outgrown duplo, so my mum sent a massive box of duplo.

She is not losing her marbles or anything - she's always been like this and she prides herself on her high intelligence.

Can your mother offer anything that you can't, that your kids actually need? Will your kids lives be enriched by her presence?

If the answer is no, then nc.

If the answer is yes, then maybe a compromise (through gritted teeth, I'm sure) might be an option.

When we are due to meet up with her she will get "lost" and call us from somewhere else in a big flappy state. Even if I have taken care to give her all the exact location info, address and map. So we all have to schlep to wherever she is so that she is the centre of attention - she doesn't care that the kids have to put up with that. If I dare show any annoyance at her doing that, she'l cry and sob and accuse me of being mean to her.

No, she does not add anything!

If you sent her the letter you are giving her a weapon that she can use against you
A parcel of darts that she can fire back at you
You hope she will be reasonable and see your point of view
She just doesn't sound like a reasonable person
Protect yourself from her

I have similar family members, do not send her a letter. Everything is about them & your letter will be used as evidence of your meanness towards her. It's always me, me, me with people like this. Don't provide the bullets for her to shoot you with.

You know the situation with your mum but it doesn't sound very positive or that she is a helpful addition to your childrens lives, from what you've written here.

I am NC with my mum...with the children, all I know is that when they are older I will be able to explain to them why I did it and that hand on heart I believe it's the right decision not to continue contact with her. I honestly believe that in my case it is better that they don't have a relationship with grandparents than to expose them to a toxic dynamic.They will get to an age where they are free to contact whoever they like and make their own decision but while they are minors I will protect them

In my mum's case there would be no point in writing. She only sees what she wants to see, has a very fixed view of family relationships and a lot of denial...she twists things and remembers selectively. She would do the same with a letter. She contacts me periodically and I ignore, I hope she will stop at some point.

I don't think anyone goes NC without a lot of history...in my case there have been so many attempts to communicate before I finally acceoted that it's impossible. I had to get to that point of realisation myself otherwise there would always have been that hope of things changing.

That's only my experience. You know your own family but don't let guilt over the children be the deciding factor. Their relationship with you is the most important thing for them, as is having happy, healthy parents.

Thanks glasseye. Everything you're describing is my mum too!