Sister's partner beat her up, I don't want to spend Xmas with him...

[rainywish]

Feeling really emotional right now - I'm aware I need to calm down but...
My sister lives with her boyfriend and yesterday she was in tears, telling that the other night he got really drunk, spent all night badmouthing her in front of their friends and after they left, he grabbed her by the back of her head and repeatedly threw her around the room by her hair. And then, a few hours had absolutely no recollection of having done anything at all.
He has never hit her before but has a history of violence and drink (is banned from several pubs). And to put it in perspective, he's fairly well-built, strong and tallish - she is extremely petite at 5ft 1" and weighs 7 stone.
Before this happened, I would have said that their relationship was rocky, with regular rows and she's thrown him out before and then taken him back.
I just thought he was a nice regular bloke.
She thinks the fact he can't remember it lets him off - I think it's even worse because he it means he is capable of so much more.
And she doesn't want to leave him! God, the thought of him doing that to my little sister (OK, she's a grown woman of 21) makes me sick and angry. She loves him!
And I don't want to spend money on him at Christmas! I don't want to see him - I don't want him coming to my house and I don't want him anywhere near me or my little girl. How can I just smile and chat to him like nothing is wrong? But the last thing I want to do is alienate my sister.
AAGH!!

This happened to an old friend of mine (she was 17 at the time he was 24). Nothing you say or do will make them see sense and that it could and probably will get worse. You have to just be the bigger person and be there for her whenever she needs it and let her realise it in her own time that he is a worthless piece of trash. Also dont say anything to him about the incident as he may not know you know and if he finds out it could make it worse for your sister xx

I say this as if it was easy to just let them get on with it but i know if it was my little sister i would take his kneedcaps off!!

But have learnt with dear friend that the more you go on about it the more you can sometimes push them away when they need you the most xx

good luck

Tell your sister you love her and will be there for her the next time it happens - and it will - but follow your instincts with this arsehole.

Perfectly right to exclude him. Do remember though that bullies like to alientate their victims from their families, so make sure you do it in a way that still includes her in your regular life
IE: cut him out not her

I actually don't think you can exclude him without making her feel bad or feel like you're picking on her.

My stepdad was, let's say "very unpleasant" when I was a child. My mum is still with him and doesn't know. My DH does know and now says things like, "I don't want him in our house at Christmas, not with my child," and other similar things.

I feel like I'm the one being put in an awkward position. I want my mum to come, can't explain why DH is being weird, can't tell her that her partner can't come and so on. I can't help thinking that your sister might have similar feelings.

I think the kind thing to do is to put up with him for your sister's sake until she's ready to leave him. I don't believe you can exclude him without making her feel like she needs to defend him or herself for being with him.

Dreadful situation to be in, you have my sympathy, but there's no point in alienating your sister.

rainywish - such a hard situation. I was never hit but my partner before DH bullied me and I would say emotionally abused me for over 2 years before I finally recognised him for what he was. All my friends could see though and my family too - but nothing they could say would make me stop loving him, though now looking back I didn't 'love' him, he'd just made me think I needed him.

Don't alienate your sister, when she finally realises what an absolute pig he is she'll need you to be there for her. Do keep letting her know though that beating up your partner is inexcusable, even if drunk, and the guy needs help. Watch out for emotional bullying too and talk about how you keep a healthy relationship. I know it's cliche but I thought every man behaved like that until I met DH, it's good to make comparisons.

Agree with other posters about not alienating your sister, I would tell her that I am always around when she needs me, but that you cannot witness her being treated so badly - you love her too much to accept it and you only hope she will realise that she loves something that abuses her and how can that make her happy.

don't exclude him. as the others have said, you don't want to alienate your sister. she needs to know you support her, so when she needs you she will turn to you.

It's a very difficult situation as what you don't want to do is make your sister have to choose 'sides' and then by default alienate her from her family at the very time when she needs you the most. It is; however, highly likely that this will be a repeated incident particularly if he has a past history of violence. I must say what I would do is have a word with each of them to let them know that if this EVER happens again I would be the one phoning the police to lay charges against him. So, even if your sister didn't want to do this, this is what will be the conseqence of a repeat of this behaviour! Out of her hands and into the hands of the law. She'll hate you for this should this ever come to pass, but oneday I am sure be thanking you. With a bit of luck this won't happen again though - it should not be shrugged off and covered over, it is very serious and you are right to be really concerned. Above all, as the others have said, let your sister know it is her welfare that you are interested in, that you care about her. Remember that being abused in any way is shattering to the victim's self esteem, and that is what must not happen at all costs, for then she will be captive to her own lack of confidence.

I had a similar experience - not the same, but comparable - with my best friend (we are like sisters, I have known her since she was 11, we were at boarding school together). It's one perspective which might help you a bit in your awful situation with your sister.

Her "partner" wasn't physically violent -yet- but he was a deranged, controlling bully who was displaying all the classic behaviour of isolating her from her friends and family, emotionally blackmailing her, constantly chipping away at her conidence etc. DH and I tried for about 2 years to encourange her gently to see what was happening and persuade her that he wasn't right for her - I didn't want to come on too strong because I was the only friend he hadn't yet banned her from seeing and I wanted her to have somewhere to come when things got really bad, which they were definitely going to. Anyway there came a point at which he had started to try and phase me out as well - finding fault with everything about us including our parenting and our lifestyle, picking fights and generally ruining the atmostphere whenever they were here. She stopped calling me because he made her feel uncomfortable about it. Shortly after that I told her (by email) that I was ging to be briefly in the town where she lives - for a few days - (we live 200 miles apart) and would she meet me for a few hours, just for a drink or lunch ot whatever. She told me that she couldn't, because it would "make him very unhappy". It transpired that he didn't allow her to go out without him apart from to work (she worked to support them, he didn't work), no work parties, no lunches with friends, nothing unless he was there.

I felt really torn at this point, but decided there was nothing to lose as he was going to stop her seeing me anyway. I wrote her a long and very blunt email explaining what I thought of their relationship and how worried I was for her future. The idea of her having children with this person, being tied up with him financially and emotionally for ever, made my stomach turn. I'm afraid I used a little blackmail myself, in that I told her that she had always been one of the most giving and loyal people I had ever known, a really good friend - and as long as she was with this man she couldn't be that sort of friend to anyone apart from him. I half expected her to say "well, I'm with him, so if that's how you feel you can sod off". Instead she left him, the following week, and she hasn't looked back. She is now working for her own upkeep rather than someone else's, lives in her own nice flat and has a boyfriend her own age who treats her with respect. She was desperate to leave him anyway, had found herself wishing him or herself dead, but had been convincing herself that it would get better. She says my being blunt with her helped give her the impetus to move.

Sorry this is a waffle, but your OP rang bells with me - I know you don't want to lose your sister, and it is a terrible position for you to be in. I thought my experience with my friend might help a bit.

Thank you for all your replies - it has really helped to get some outside perspective on this, especially as I had been fantasising about stabbing him.
I think that when I see him I'm just going to have to pretend I don't know, because he doesn't know I know and as someone here said, I certainly don't want him taking that out on her. Although how exactly I'm going to pretend, I do not know - I never went to RADA.
I think it would be playing into his hands if she had nowhere to go and no one to turn to so I have to always be on her side.
I can't understand why she can still love him after that.

I have posted already but I just thought that maybe when your sister visits you with him, maybe you could make it so there is no alcohol, I dont know if its possible but it might help her situation when she gets home xx

Don't go. You will do your sister more good by letting her know that her boyfriend's behaviour is so vile to you that you cannot be around him, than by turning up and pretending nothing ever happened. If he's willing to give up drinking and/or see anger management counsellor then you can consider re-establishing ties, but I would suggest that until then you explain to your sister that you would be delighted to see her anytime alone.

Also, how can you be sure that he "doesn't remember it"? It's likely he does and cannot admit it, even to himself.

My stepfather beat my mother and lots of people knew about it and pretended it wasn't happening. This allowed it to escalate and my mother to go into denial about the truth of her situation. She never left him, he died in her bed 5 years ago. I believe that until more people are willing to make it clear that domestic violence is NEVER acceptable, the silence surrounding it will feed it.

when i was with my xh my best friend at the time gradually distanced herself from me because i wouldnt listen to her about the lying alcoholic child-hating b**d he was.we ended up not speaking to each other atall,untill he actually hit me then she was straight round to see if i was ok then spent the next 3 months helping me with my plans to get rid of him.

looking back i am so glad she kept a distance while i was with him,if id thought others found his behaviour acceptable then i mmight have let it go on for longer.but realising that if i stayed with him i would end up with no friends or family helped give me the strength to get him out of my life.