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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First love

14 replies

Orangecake123 · 07/12/2015 18:47

I'm 24 and currently studying a 5 year degree, with home being a good 6 hours away, so I don't visit very often.

I fall in love with a boy in my year.I never really noticed him during the whole of first year- we occasionally spoke briefly but only about work and exam prep. But in september- he was sat next to me and I honestly just felt a real connection with him. We sat for two hours and laughed about video games. He actually also lived in the same student halls building as me, so we got the train and walked home together.

Then we started sitting together in lectures-we also started taking alot on facebook sometimes for two hours straight and till 2am.

It was his birthday in october and he invited me to his birthday party.

So we had obviously grown closer, we were talking on facebook and he mentioned that I was confusing him because I did flirt with him and that he wanted me to be honest with him and that anything I did say would not push him away- so I told him that I liked him, that I thought about him too much and that I found his presence comforting, because he made me feel safe and reminded me of home.

He replied saying that it was admirable, that I was so open but he hoped I would be okay with the position of a friend. I asked if I could talk to him in person a day later just to make sure things were't awkward between us and he waited for me and said he had just broken up with his ex recently and that he wasn't ready and wanted to focus on studying but said "maybe later". and how my heart sang when he said that.

We continued to speak on facebook. He talked to me about his ex and how he was tired of things being complicated since he started medical school (his ex was also in our year) - if he was in a relationship he would want to give it 100% and right now he couldn't and he just wanted to try to explain why he wanted to stay away from these kind of emotions. I told him I wouldn't push him and I honestly tried to ignore him in lectures- and just cut contact with him but I realized that I was only thinking about me and not him. I wanted to be a good friend. He needed support and I told him that I would put my feelings for him on a shelf and be the best friend that I could be. He said the worst thing he would want to do would be to hurt me.

Then we started hanging out together alot more. He invited me over to his flat, he gave me lifts home. I honestly fell hard for him. He was the first boy who I let my guard down with. I never had a boyfriend before and I knew was in love him even though it was less than 2 solid months.

I told him that I was in love with him. Our conversations on facebook became less frequent- with him taking more time to reply to my messages, and it seemed our conversations were just my monologues and when he did reply it was just a few sentences. He told this was how he was even with his friends. This had gone on for 3 weeks. I said i was hurt because it felt like I was losing a friend. He said we should meet up just to talk. He told me me that he never felt like we were friends- he was only talking to me because he felt sorry for me- that he never felt we were close and he didn't tell me before because he didn't want to hurt me, because I seemed fragile.I only told him personal things because I trusted him.

He may just be running scared and this may just be an excuse. but I feel like I was played and feel so stupid - he knew all along how I felt about him. If i meant nothing to him why not tell me before- "because you seemed fragile". I asked him if he ever cared about me- he didn't even reply back to that.

I blocked him on facebook and stopped talking to him but it's only been one day. My heart is just aching and feels like it's breaking- but I know I deserve better.

OP posts:

CarnivalBearSetFree · 07/12/2015 18:58

Didn't want to read and run but I'm afraid I don't have much to say.

It sounds like he's playing games, I don't think he talked to you just because he felt sorry for you. I think he probably liked you too but he's being very childish and quite cruel by saying that.

I think you're right to go no contact. It will be hard at first but trust me it will get better. You just need to stay strong and when/if you have a wobble know that you are better off with out someone like him in your life. No matter how sweet it was at the time he's shown himself for who he is now and you're better off without that.

ImperialBlether · 07/12/2015 18:59

You poor thing. Who knows why he behaved like that, but it wasn't a good or friendly way to behave. No wonder you feel awful; anyone would in your situation. You will feel better; it'll take a while, but you will get there. Do you have other good friends who can help you get through this?

Fidelia · 07/12/2015 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blytheandsebastian · 07/12/2015 19:49

What a waste of space OP. You're absolutely right, you can do much better. He's done you a favour by showing you what he's really like before you wasted more time on him. I wouldn't believe a word that's coming out of his mouth, about his feelings or how he perceives you or any of it. A particular low point was when he asked you how you felt about him (and walked you into being vulnerable) while apparently planning to say that he didn't return the feelings. Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

You will meet someone much, much nicer in no time and wonder how on earth you were ever in love with such a man. He might be cute and sweet but could you really be with someone so self-absorbed and...cruel?

Dodged a bullet, definitely.

pocketsaviour · 07/12/2015 19:50

I can't actually attach too much blame to this lad, especially considering he's also young and the previous girlfriend may have been his first.

He made friends with you and invited you to his party. He said you were "confusing" him by flirting with him, at which point you basically told him you liked him as more than a friend.

He then said he had only just split up with his ex and didn't want a relationship at this time. Unfortunately he tried to "let you down gently" by saying "Maybe in the future..." when he should have said nothing.

He thought that you understood this was friendship only, as he had explained to you he didn't want a relationship with you. You started hanging out more often. You thought he was your boyfriend, even though he had made it clear he didn't want that.

You then declared your love, and surprise surprise he went cold, now to the extent of saying he didn't want to be friends any more and a bit of history re-writing, because the whole "let's be friends" thing didn't really work out the first time around.

I know it sucks when you like someone and they don't like you that way. It's hurtful and painful and it feels like you might as well just give up and die if you can't have that one person. But it does pass, OP. I am sure you have many wonderful qualities which another man is just waiting to discover. Maybe this time around you won't like him that way. But eventually you'll meet someone and you'll both feel that attraction, and it will be great. You'll get there.

blytheandsebastian · 07/12/2015 19:52

And in future, guard your heart. If you like someone who isn't available (or who you can see with your sensible head isn't a great romantic prospect, for some reason), don't try to support them. There are plenty of people in the world and there will be someone else around to be there for them. You need to be functioning, focused on your course, able to study and get the most out of student life. You do not deserve to have that all taken away because someone needed you and it broke your heart. IF someone is being a true friend to you, they wouldn't ask you to do that. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Learning that you can't save everyone is a very important skill for a doctor :)

Original poster

Orangecake123 · 07/12/2015 20:01

I've only told two friends- The one who saw me break down and cry in anatomy class today and another friend who is 2 years ahead of me and who acts like my personal psychiatrist. This too shall pass.

He actually messaged me today saying "he was really sorry IF he created wrong expectations." I was so close to crumbling and messaging back because I just wanted to talk to him. But I called my 4th year friend first, who said to type to him - what I would have sent and I could see it would open a can of worms. He asked me does this show he cares? I said no and that summed it up for me. I just feel so stupid because I wasted so much time on him, for ending up with nothing but a broken heart and a messed up head, a month before exam period is about to begin.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 07/12/2015 20:20

In my book 'first love' is the first time you have a reciprocal relationship with the object of your affections.

What you've described is an infatuation with a guy who, from what you've said, did his best to tell you he wasn't up for a relationship but, unfortunately, you only heard what you wanted to hear.

It's a drag that your eye alighted on a guy who's in your year group but put your blinkers on, get your head down, and plough through your studies until graduation after which time you're unlikely to catch sight of him on a regular basis.

In future don't wear your heart on your sleeve - keep it up your sleeve until your next romantic interest declares his feelings.

Finola1step · 07/12/2015 20:28

YY to everything said by goddessofsmalthings. You are young. Give yourself time to heal and bounce back. It is a tough lesson to learn that a person's words and their actions may be quite different.

In.his mind, he is probably thinking "But I told her I wasn't up for a proper relationship. She accepted that. So why all this now?"

Best thing to do is to go back to thinking about yourself. Put your own needs first. Finish term. Are you heading home for the Christmas break?

Samaritan1 · 07/12/2015 21:11

Unfortunately some people say one thing and act the opposite... Saying that they "just want to be friends" while inviting close intimacy and constantly asking how you feel, hoping to hear that you have feelings for them, to get an ego boost.

Learn from it, move on and don't go back there. You are young and there will be happier times ahead. Hold you head up and move forwards.

Original poster

Orangecake123 · 07/12/2015 21:27

Thank you for all the replies- I can see that I was actually also to blame because I simply didn't listen to what he was saying all along.Maybe he thought it would be easier to play the bad guy to make me see.

Time to refocus and get back to prepping for exams. ;P

OP posts:

Tpc90 · 07/12/2015 21:34

Yeah sounds like this was a bit of a crush and he was giving you that attention. You'll find out what first love is when you're in an actual relationship and you experience things that couples do for the first time.

Go smash your exams, put your full concentration and focus into them and whatever happens after will be! :)

Original poster

Orangecake123 · 08/12/2015 13:23

I messaged him nearly exactly what pocketsaviour posted, and said that I was so sorry that I had pushed him to this point because I never listened to what he was saying along. I told him I knew that whatever he told me wasn't the truth, because that was not the real him.

He spoke to me in person today and said he could see that I was really hurting, and would rather be hated if it helped me. That he was always just trying to make see that I don't have to take everything so seriously. That just makes me see how special he really is.

I just feel like I have closure on this whole thing and can put it behind me and move on.

OP posts:

lavenderhoney · 08/12/2015 14:15

Hmm, yes well, stop talking to him now, or thinking about what might have been etc etc. Concentrate on studies, and yourself. Imagine some chap behaving towards you like that, and you trying to be friends, he keeps pushing - it's difficult, isn't it, if you are nice but you don't want to be in a relationship with them and they won't see.

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