Delicate situation with DH and MIL - need advice

[FrogLover]

Hi everyone,

let me start by saying that this is not going to be a MIL-bashing thread. My MIL and I are never going to be best friends and we've had some boundary issues but nothing I can't handle. In fact, the problem I have now is more to do with the relationship between DH and his mum. I'll try and keep it short but there's some back story that is necessary to understand what's happening now.

DH is the eldest of 3. There is a 7-year gap between him and his brother then a 1-year gap between his brother and sister. DH says himself that he did not have a happy childhood. His parents were forced into marrying when she was pregnant, money was tight and tensions were high. MIL would regularly get drunk, throw plates and shout at FIL about how unhappy she was. She would also shout at DH, telling him it was his fault that she was unhappy. FIL was absent most of the time and was very strict when he was around.

For years, DH carried a lot of bad feeling towards his parents regarding his childhood and when I first met him 12 years ago, he hardly ever saw them. They only found out about me when we were moving in together and needed someone to co-sign the lease. Gradually, he allowed himself to let go of the resentment and build an adult relationship with them. He still wasn't extremely close but we started to see them more often and things were a lot less tense when we did.

About 8 years ago, we found out that MIL had been picked up a couple of times for drunk and disorderly behaviour and was seeing a therapist to get treatment for her drinking problem. The reason that FIL decided to tell us this was that my BIL had been staying with them and had found about 30 empty bottles in the spare room that MIL uses as an office. Presumably, SIL, who was still living with MIL & FIL at the time, also knew so FIL decided that my DH should be told. MIL stopped drinking, started taking medication and had regular appointments with her therapist, she seemed to be doing ok.

Then, a few years later, DH and I were about to go to visit BIL, his wife and their son (they live overseas). MIL was due to go the week before us but, the day before she was due to leave, FIL called and asked if we could pick up some things to take over with us as MIL was no longer going. It turned out that MIL had been picked up for drink-driving the previous month. She had run into a cyclist (luckily she had stopped at a traffic light and set off before the lights changed so she wasn't going too fast and the cyclist wasn't hurt). When the police came, she was over 3 times the legal limit (at 10am) and incoherent so they took her to the station. Her licence was suspended and she had to go to court-ordered therapy, the first session fell during her planned trip to see BIL.

We took the stuff to BIL on our trip and nearly started WW3. Unbeknown to us, BIL and FIL had decided not to tell BIL's wife about the drinking problem as they were worried that she would (rightly, in my opinion) put a stop to the visits where they would leave my nephew with his grand-parents for a few days while they took a trip as a couple. My nephew was just months old when the drinking problem first came to light and in the following years, had been left on his own with my in-laws several times. DH and I had always been a little shocked that BIL and his wife would do this but chose not to interfere. When we arrived at BIL's house, it became apparent that his wife thought MIL had the flu. DH told her the truth. It did not go down well (although that hasn't stopped them leaving my nephew, and now my niece too, when they have wanted a holiday since then).

At the time, DH was furious, especially two weeks later when MIL started talking about buying a car that doesn't need a licence (I don't know if you have those in the UK but they are becoming more popular over here). She called to ask DH what he thought (he was working for a car company at the time) and he flew off the handle, telling her that she was a disgrace and shouldn't be on the road. FIL was furious and we didn't speak to them for several months. When they did get back in touch, MIL was going to therapy, had a series of negative blood tests and so we patched things up and since then things have been relatively calm.

Until last week.

One afternoon last week, MIL sent a series of text messages to DH complaining about her car being at the mechanics (she's had her licence back for about 2 years now), her phone and laptop being old and the fact that FIL is always working. DH felt sorry for her and we discussed getting in touch with BIL and SIL to suggest that we all chip in to get her a really nice Christmas present this year as she was obviously feeling unappreciated.

20 minutes after the text messages stopped, she wrote 2 ranty, incoherent emails sent to all three children, with their father on copy then forwarded the same emails to me and BIL's wife (SIL's partner was left out, we don't know why). I've read the emails several times and still can't understand the details of them. Something to do with her car failing the MOT and FIL having it repaired but she isn't happy because the car was her MIL's and she never liked her MIL and then she goes off on a tangent about how hard she's worked all her life. The details aren't important but they were clearly not emails written by someone who is in a happy place. I was at work but rang DH because I was worried about her. DH was angry that she would send something like that to me but agreed to call his dad as we assumed that he was away for work (he often is) and MIL was lonely.

It turned out that FIL wasn't away for work. He was in his home office and MIL was in the living room. He told DH that there was nothing to worry about. MIL was just "tired" because she's "had the flu." A few minutes after DH called his dad, his mum sent a series of text messages ranting that he had no right to call his dad to check up on her and that all the men in that family were the same. We haven't heard from either of them since. The only contact we've had from BIL has been a photo of his kids' letters to father christmas. We've had no word from SIL.

DH and I both think that what his dad said is not true. We both think that she's started drinking again but here's where we differ and I need your advice.

I think that these emails were a cry for help and that we, as an extended family would be letting her down by not acting on them. I think that at best she is depressed and needs support and at worst she is drinking and who knows what she'll do next (the public d&d incidents involved threatening FIL then herself with a kitchen knife and then running out into the street with it amongst other things).

DH agrees that she is probably drinking and should get help but has decided that it is no longer his problem. His exact words were "I had enough of this bullshit when I was a kid, I'm not going to put up with it now that I'm an adult." He is now saying that we won't be buying them Christmas presents or seeing them at Christmas or, indeed at all until they pull themselves together.

I know that how he chooses to deal with his parents is his decision but I'm worried that he's having a knee-jerk reaction that he will regret later on. We are due to move half-way across the country in a couple of months and I think that if we leave things like this now, they might never get better and DS (6 months) might miss out on knowing his grand parents.

I'm also concerned for my MIL.

So now I don't know what to do.

Obviously, I won't be replying to last week's email, or mentioning it directly but I was thinking that maybe I could send a chatty email with a recent picture of DS doing something cute in a couple of days, just to see how MIL is doing. Or should I respect DH's decision and not contact them at all?

FWIW, I've tried discussing my feelings on this with him but he is too annoyed to think rationally about it.

Sorry, this is ridiculously long. I hope that someone will make it to the end and have some advice.

Thanks in advance

As someone who grew up within a "dysfunctional" family I agree with previous posters. When the dramas start now I don't react, don't run to them. DH has done a couple of times and I just told him he shouldn't. He doesn't get it either, unless you grow up with it you cant. He is probably looking at me going "my wife, the most soft hearted woman in the world, wont go over when her mother is sick / there is a row or whatever". Sometimes you have to just let them at it, for the sake of your own family. You would get no thanks anyway, only get embroiled and enmeshed in their shit.

I live in rural France, and so-called vsp (voitures sans permis) are a common sight. However, although their power is limited - they can't go on the motorway, they can easily go fast enough to kill someone.

Many, but by no means all, people who drive them are alcoholics who have lost their licences through repeated drink-driving offences.

As to going behind your dh's back, I wouldn't, as after having such a toxic childhood I think he needs to feel that you're on his team and to let him define your continuing relationship with them, if any.

I can understand that you want to keep the relationship going for the sake of dgc, but I don't really think that is the issue.

Thanks again to everyone who has replied.

DH and I talked about this again last night because I had received an email from BIL's wife asking if we would be going to MIL's house over Christmas and I wanted to know what to reply. He has calmed down a lot. We still won't be going to see them at Christmas but if they want to come to see us, they will be welcome. The same goes for future contact/visits. We won't initiate or go to them but they can come to us if they wish. MIL will NOT be allowed to be in sole care of DS under any circumstances (that was already a given, even before the emails but DH's resolve has strengthened) and we'll decide how to deal with any other situations as and when they arise.

DuckDuckMoose it is funny that you give the example of the 'knife wielding maniac'. When I first read it, my reaction was "fuck off, now you're just being rude" but then I thought about it and realised that she is, indeed, on occasions a knife-yielding maniac (or she has been at least, as far as I'm aware, she hasn't taken it up as a new hobby).

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had a thread on here earlier this year when I was pregnant and making myself sick with worry over my relationship with my mother and what would happen when DS arrived. One of the things that people on that thread helped me to see was that my own mother is toxic (in a different way to MIL but toxic nonetheless) and had drilled into me a sense of obligation and guilt in how I am "supposed" to behave with regards to her. Over time, with the help of advice on here and through some therapy sessions, I have managed to let go of some of those feelings and to recognise when others are taking hold. I now realise that my feelings towards my MIL are one of those occasions.

tb those are the cars she was talking about. We categorically told her that she should not get one. She carried on talking about it for a while but abandoned the idea in the end (although I suspect that it was more due to the cost than because of what we said). She got her licence back after about a year I think although I have refused to get in the car with her ever since.

Gad you had a good talk

The knife wielding bit was just something from your posts that stuck me because I only found out about my MIL doing the same to her DC recently. I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you did initially before...

Ugh, glad, not gad!

You talk about her 'drinking problem' but that's not it, is it? She's an alcoholic. Call it what it is.

As such, she is not there to have a relationship with . She has her lover, her raison d'etre, everything/one else doesn't exist as far as she's concerned. She DOESN'T CARE - about DH, you, your kids. She absolutely couldn't care less - she has got what she wants and she has no concern whatsoever how she may be impacting anyone or anything. She's quite happy to kill someone in her car, it is of no consequence to her. So you're trying to have a relationship with a phantom.

FIL is busy enabling her, sweeping her rabid alcoholism under the carpet - so he doesn't exist either, he's also a phantom.

So what's all the busting a gut for these two. They simply DON'T CARE about you. They have what they want and, when push comes to shove, they are simply not interested in anything else and will defend their choice to the hilt. MIL would be quite happy to drink herself into the grave; FIL is quite happy pretending. You know about it when you bring a bit of reality into their lives - all hell etc. So don't bother.

Your DH is absolutely right. She's not sad! She is breathtakingly selfish; he, FIL, is self-interested: they are both looking out for themselves and couldn't give a ff about anybody else.

You've been brought up to be a caretaker and to that end perhaps have a look at codependency? Xx

NB yy there are reasons for alcoholism/addictions but only the alcoholic/addict can address those reasons. No one else can make so much as a dent. You're wasting your time/DH's mental health to try bcs it goes absolutely nowhere and chews you up in the process. DH has been chewed up enough.