Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DDs (9) grandpa, "playfully smacking" DDs bottom. Was I right?

42 replies

extrastrongblackcoffee · 07/12/2015 11:15

Hi,

So me and DDs dad aren't together anymore. Haven't been for the last 3 years. She sees him once a fortnight and probably sees his parents once a month. I know they love DD, but I've never got on with them and I've always questioned their priorities.

Anyway, DD was with her grandparents yesterday and when her dad drops her back off, she tells me that grandpa has been smacking her bottom when they were playing. Now, I know he wouldn't try to hurt her, but she showed me how hard and I think it's too hard. She could be exaggerating, but its just a no go area. It's completely inappropriate isn't it?! She asked me why I was cross and I told her that obviously I wasn't cross with her, but that there are certain parts of your body that you people aren't allowed to touch and her grandpa should know that. I called her dad and said very firmly, that he tells his dad to NEVER DO THAT AGAIN. He says I'm overreacting, to wind my neck in etc, but I can't let this go. He crossed a line. I saw him do it when she was about 4 and I told him not to. He didn't understand what my problem was. It was done in a playful way, but still, I didn't like it.

Thoughts please. I didn't overreact did I?

TIA

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 07/12/2015 20:20

Yeah, I don't want to scaremonger. But she needs to know that she has the right to say who touches her body, especially in a private area. Has she had the PANTS talk?

amarmai · 07/12/2015 20:25

yanbu op. This behaviour is blurring the boundaries and you have been clear that you do not want this to happen but this gf feels entitled to continue for all these years. Can you and your dd go to an awareness training session so that she hears from others that she owns her body and she can say no.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 07/12/2015 20:25

My Granny used to pat me on the bottom up until I was eleven or so. I hated it. YANBU.

MissMogwi · 07/12/2015 20:34

If your daughter is uncomfortable with it, (and it sounds like she is), then he shouldn't do it. It doesn't matter who he is, be it parent or grandparent, your daughter has the right to autonomy of her own body.

Grandad probably thinks it's just a joke but he has to realise that she is growing up and the same play isn't appropriate.

Winifredgoose · 07/12/2015 20:43

I think that while Grandad may be doing this mindlessly, and may be totally be unaware that what he is doing is inappropriate, he needs to be strongly told that it must not happen again. The fact that your daughter told you about it, shows that it made her uncomfortable.

winterswan · 07/12/2015 20:47

I realise there are contexts to certain games but why must they involve nakedness and/or bottom smacking?

This thread is uncomfortable just to read, never mind witness.

Twinklestein · 07/12/2015 20:51

Why would he need to be smacking a 9 year old's bum? It's not the kind of game I would have found amusing at that age, just annoying.

MumOfGorgeousness · 07/12/2015 21:06

I'd feel weird about this happening at age 9 to be honest.

mintoil · 07/12/2015 21:09

YANBU this is WEIRD for a grandfather to be touching a nine year olds bum.

EvaBING · 07/12/2015 21:13

Inappropriate to me. Would never happen. Or if did, it would be the last time.

LoisPuddingLane · 07/12/2015 21:22

To be honest, I don't think this is right at ANY age. Unless you are changing a child's bum, you don't have much business in that area. It's important, as posters have said, that a child knows they have autonomy particularly over private areas, and that they don't have to tolerate anyone, relative or otherwise, "playfully" touching them somewhere private.

winterswan · 07/12/2015 21:26

I agree Lois.

Of course the child finds it 'hilarious' - it hardly means it should be done or that it's appropriate.

MrsGradyOldLady · 07/12/2015 21:29

9 is too old.

I used to play this with my own daughter when she was young but she's 8 now and we've not done it for years. I'm her Mum and I feel it would be inappropriate for me to do it - let alone anyone else.

NanaNina · 08/12/2015 00:41

I'm a retired social worker (career spanning 30 years) all in Children's Services. I definitely think it is wholly inappropriate for your daughter's GD to be doing this at her age. She is (as I'm sure you know) on the cusp of puberty and it's simply not on. I cannot imagine my DH doing such a thing to our grand-daughters ever really, but I think if there is a smacking game (and what is it exactly?) it should be for pre schoolers only.

Glad your ex seems to be taking you more seriously now. It does sound like your daughter was uncomfortable about it.

allyanna · 08/12/2015 01:34

Entirely inappropriate! Did any of you see the programme on Channel 4 tonight "Hunting the Paedophiles?"

LoisPuddingLane · 08/12/2015 08:01

What is a smacking game? It sounds like a Victorian thing. "You can have two bowls of gruel if you let me indulge in the SMACKING GAME."

timelytess · 08/12/2015 16:06

You are right.
Smacking is not play.

The grandfather should avoid swimsuit areas, like everyone else. A nine year old girl is getting close to grown up.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page