can I ever feel tired or ill just by myself??

[GeorgiaT2468]

Just annoyed and venting.

I'm a mother of two and almost 40 weeks pregnant. Been with DP 4 years- love him to bits. But he's a lazy arse TBH and gets on my nerves.

I'd say he has an easy life, I work full time but of course still a doting mummy at home. I do the usual requirements, housework, washing, ironing, cooking, arranging, getting the children ready, play with them, bath them and everything else a home owner and mother does.

He works full time to buy hardly contributes to anything else unless I ask/tell him to. LAZY!!

If I was to say "Iv got a headache" he will respond "yeah so have I"

If I was to say "I feel a bit sick" he will respond "Iv felt sick all day and threw up this morning"

If I was to say "I'm tired after gutting the house all day, Iv done 4 loads of washing, the food shop, kids have been throwing up all day poorly so Iv looked after them, Iv took kids to doctors, done the school run ect, I might get to bed" he will respond "it's alright for some, Iv been to work all day and I'm tired"

It goes on but you get the picture.

Basically he's always got to feel or be worse than me, his day is always harder than mine, I'm never as tired as him bla bla.

Why??!! Because regardless if I feel crap or not I still do a 12 hour shift at work and a further 6 hour shift at home when I get back, I don't have time to eat sometimes!! Grrrr xx

My DH was a little like this, but not to the same extreme as yours!

I did it in little steps, as I didn't want to argue about it. If I had told him that I was doing it all and he needed to take a share, he would see it as helping me (as if it was my job!). So I stopped doing little things. For example, I still do all the washing, if I'm doing mine and the children's, it seems petty not to do his. However, I don't go around picking up his dirty clothes off the floor, I only wash what is in the washing basket. He soon realised that if he didn't pick his things up, I wasn't going to do it. He doesn't leave clothes on the floor any more.

I'm still working on the 'wet towels everywhere' problem.

Then I stopped killing myself to get all the ironing done. I washed and folded everything, put away anything that would be ok to not be ironed, and ironed the essentials - school uniforms, and enough clothes to keep me going. I would then be called away to something else in the house, and not have time to do his shirts. If he needed one, and it hadn't been ironed, he had to do it. I'm not mean, he works more hours than me, so usually I do his ironing, but now he thanks me, and realises that it is not my 'duty', and often does a bit of ironing.

He used to leave cups and plates everywhere. I stopped tidying them away. It took a while, but he got sick of not having any clean crockery, and started picking them up and filling and emptying the dishwasher. Now he usually does most of the kitchen stuff, and a lot of the cooking.

He is a good man, but was brought up in a very old fashioned household. I told him before we were married that I wasn't really the housewifey type, (I do have some friends that love housework, but I am not one of them!) and that we would share it all, and he agreed, but when we had children, things seem to change, and it all seemed to fall to me. Things are much better now, I do most of the laundry and ironing, he does most of the cooking and clearing up.

He knows now that if he says, "This carpet needs to be vacuumed," I'll say, "Yes, you're right, the hoover is over there." We tease each other about it. Neither of us is perfect, but it's fairer now than it used to be. He knows that I won't fuss about him like his mother does, picking things up, and clearing away after him.

Sorry, that was long!

OP I sincerely hope you have a nice easy birth and a wonderful baby...

However, I hope that your dh allows you to be feeling the most tired/sore/etc just once this year after you give birth... I might even mention it to him every time he tries to best you between now and then.

I would also take the opportunity to breastfeed/be insanely tired/in pain/basically unable to do stuff, so he has to step up to do things for you and the dc.

If he complains just say until he's grown a life inside him for 9 months, then pushed a watermelon out of his arse then he really has no idea what he's talking about and that it's normal for women to take months to get back to full strength, especially after the third one if he notes you were ok after the others. I'd even get your midwife on board to back you up so he realises that you will be needing lots more help from here on in.

No you're right.

• change baby
• Breastfeed baby
• wind baby
• put baby back down

Only the one with breasts can do all 4 of the things you mention.

You need a breast for example to push down a sticky nappy tab. I always used to use mine for that.

I don't know how bottle feeders cope

My friend had her baby 2 weeks ago and ha only changed the baby's nappy twice - her husband has done it every other time. She's barely cooked any meals - her husband has done it. She has hardly done any housework - her husband has done it. He has seen how exhausted she is and has stepped in to do her share as well as his own wherever possible. You say I do the usual requirements, housework, washing, ironing, cooking, arranging, getting the children ready, play with them, bath them and everything else and you talk about your routines that you have. Well that's easy for him then isn't it. His routine is to do fuck all. His routine is to sit and relax.

You might be younger and not have a paid job but you aren't his skivvy.

Are the DC his? Im guessing not as you mention a 4 year relationship and a DC at school. Maybe some of the issue is that he actually doesn't see them as his responsibility. What have you previously discussed about his parenting role? It could need revisiting?

Re the chickenpox I first had that as an adult and felt indescribably terrible. If you laughed and were impatient at that maybe some of the issue is on your side. I can't imagine how a doctor told him to go back to work with an infectious illness that would potentially kill someone with a low immune system though.

Stop being such a marty and having so many fixed routines. I bet he stopped trying to do things when he realised he would never do anything to your satisfaction. You picked this man to be the father of at least two of your children so relax and let him do things, they won't be up to your standards but that really doesnt matter.

My husband also does the copycat illness thing, it drives me completely bonkers! I have no idea why he does it, I think he doesn't even realise.

What Penfold said

It really irks me when people say "so he does something you don't like? kick him out, tell him to fuck off, get rid!" etc. etc.

We're all human. Relationships take work, time, effort, COMMUNICATION. If you're not happy, explain why and explain what you want to change. It's so easy to slip into routines and bad habits. Maybe he is tired, maybe he is ignorant enough that he doesn't think to ask if anything needs doing or that OP does more than him. But seriously do people think it's genuinely better to just walk away rather than have a conversation about how to improve things?
I think if I walked away from DP the first time we had a conversation about our relationship dynamics we'd probably have been together less than a year! It seems very callous and unhelpful to just spurt this kind of warped girl-power type stuff. Yes men can be pains but so can women. Takes two to make it work and for both of you to be happy.

Is he the dad to your other two children?

He's not my eldest ms dad but has been there since day 1 and has continued to support and love him throughout and was there to pick up the pieces when my eldest a biological father punched my then 2.5 year old in the chest whilst on weekend contact. Eldest is 5.5 now, he's obviously the dad to the youngest and unborn.

I do have a paid job and work 42 hours a week just the same as he does.

Iv tried explaining and tried to chill so he can do things.. Trust me but when I ask him to cook the kids tea if Iv been at work il come home and he'd given them a chocolate spread sand which. If I ask him to hang the washing up he will put it in the tumble, a huge load that's took hours to dry because it's so full and it gains my electric bill, if I ask him to tidy up he will get stroppy and put some bits away, not all and won't Hoover or take dirty crockery to the kitchen, if I ask him to wash up he will put the stuff in soak and ends up leaving it..

It goes on like that.. I have to have routines for my children and plan ect otherwise it never gets done and not properly. That's not me being mad he's not living up to my expectations.. But I do expect my children to eat a proper meal and have ironed clothes and not be put to bed wearing school uniform because he's to lazy to get them changed or bath them ect..

Iv become so self regimented because if I'm not it all goes to pot and I then become angry at him.

So if I just do it I can't go wrong.
I'm just becoming tired and wanted some advice..

I do try and talk to him but just like this morning I spoke to him about leaving his dirty clothes on the floor in every bloody room and could he at least put it in the washing basket.. He simply fell asleep whilst I was talking and crying because it hurts to keep bending picking it up.

I could have left them but then my house is a tip and why should we live in mess!!

Xx

Tokelau that is really good advice and something I am working on too. I think you start doing stuff just cause you want to get it done, then somehow it becomes "your" job. I think an adjustment of expectation and also responsibility helps too.

Of course he should be doing more, but honestly you sound incredibly controlling over exactly everything is done.

I thought you were going to say that you had lived as a single parent for years with your older two due to the way you are so rigid over everything.

You need to take to each other and find a way to meet in the middle before this baby arrives. You are going to have to find a way to let go of some of your expectations and allow him to do some things his way.

OP, seriously, what goes points does he have, what does he bring to you and the children's lives?
What do you want to do to change this situation? You sound exhausted.

I'm also wondering what his good points are?

He puts the dc to bed wearing school uniform because he's too lazy to bath and change them? WTF?

He sounds hopeless.

It really isn't on for him to be so lazy. It is just disrespectful to you. He is treating you like a skivvy with no come back.

The screaming row that I'd had enough and was this close to divorce helped somewhat to trigger DH into realising he was being a twat. He also has form for being the most ill etc and laziness - I won't have it though, if you're really sick go to bed. Otherwise be a part of family life.

If he won't listen to the conversation then don't do things for him. Socks on the floor - shove them in a corner or if you're in pain get the kids to put them in a bin bag. Along with everything else he leaves lying around. Don't wash for him don't cook for him. If he doesn't like it then he can step up and pull his weight.

Right, so we have established that you are a can do type of person who gets on with things, you are also a good provider, he on the other hand:

watches you struggle and offers no help
his needs are way above yours, ie, he's ill, he feels sick
contributes little financially and has to be asked

OP, do you not think you deserve to be with a partner that is better than the above, I wouldn't wish him on my worst enemy.

He's a man child, he won't grow up, he will just live off the back off you whilst you pull your hair out over his complete lack of respect for you.

It's a no brainer really.

OP yours sounds just like my exh. Yes he broke my heart but now I see clearly how much I did for the narcissistic arse! DS and I once had a stomach bug (tmi but both ends) I was the one cleaning DS whilst Ill - exh took to bed as he was so ill despite the fact he was never actually sick
Today I am on the sofa covered in a fluffy Christmas blanket while DS is watching Elf ... Nobody to be sicker/tireder/moanier !