Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

when is safe to ask where things are going?

18 replies

violet1300 · 06/12/2015 16:40

I've been seeing this guy for about 5 weeks now... we've had five dates and recently took the next step of inviting him back to mine. I think it's going fairly well although it annoys me that we don't see each other in the week (we live on the opposite sides of a large city.

He's keeping his cards really close to his chest - he is not forthcoming with compliments, he doesn't talk about how he thinks things are going, and he doesn't ask me how I feel about him. I'm not used to this! And I'm starting to get a bit fed up with it. He's absolutely lovely and very gentlemanly and funny and attractive. But I've started to develop proper feelings and I would like it to go somewhere but I have no idea if these feelings are completely futile or not.

I did ask if he was sleeping with anyone else before we slept together for the first time but he literally just said 'no' and the conversation ended there. I've tried casually bringing up whether we are dating other people but I think i've been too subtle as I've offered the information that I am not, but I've never got any further with finding out if he is, or what he is looking for.

Can I ask him whats going on - whether he thinks we are in a very casual thing or whether he thinks we have potential to be something more?

I don't want to scare him off or rush him to make statements he is not ready to make. But equally, I am not the type of person that can cope with uncertainty, especially in matters of dating...

What would you do?

OP posts:

whostheJohnsonnow · 06/12/2015 16:54

I think 5 weeks is too early for the "where are we going?" Talk tbh.

However you have every right to find out if you are on the same page regarding the relationship being exclusive.

You need to put on your big girl pants and ask him OP. If you aren't in agreement on the issue then better to fond out now than three months down the line...

whostheJohnsonnow · 06/12/2015 16:55

Find out even!

LeaLeander · 06/12/2015 17:04

I think five weeks or even five months is way too early. Especially with only weekly dates. To be wondering "is this getting serious?" sounds rather needy and desperate to be honest. How's he supposed to answer that rationally when he barely knows you? Why not just enjoy companionship?

That YOU have a "problem with uncertainty" should not be made into HIS problem. Uncertainty is fundamentally a part of dating and relationships, especially in early stages and I would classify anything less than 9-12 months as very early. You need to manage your emotions in that regard independently of him, with counseling as necessary. Don't make it his problem.

Even the "are you sleeping with anyone else?" is rather pointless because surely you are using condoms to protect yourself anyway, right??

Original poster

violet1300 · 06/12/2015 17:14

Of course we are, yes, no worries on that front.

It's not asking if things are getting serious, I guess I just want to know whether there is any thought in his head that it might develop or if he wants to keep it as casual as it has been.

Perhaps the idea that I'd even need to ask is all the answer I need anyway - i'm sure if he thought it had potential he probably would have mentioned something about it by now.

OP posts:

Original poster

violet1300 · 06/12/2015 17:15

and I think thats a very valid point about making my problem with uncertainty into his problem - thank you for that! I think that's what I am doing and it's not fair..

OP posts:

FellOutOfBedTwice · 06/12/2015 17:20

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think it's ok to ask. Me and my now DH had definitely had that conversation at 5 weeks in and said we weren't seeing anyone else etc.

LeaLeander · 06/12/2015 17:21

I didn't mean to sound harsh, it's just that I've seen so many women chase men away by wanting to advance the relationship faster than it naturally is unfolding. Just enjoy the moment without fretting about the future.

Supermanspants · 06/12/2015 17:24

Why do you need to ask? Five weeks is no time at all. Just leave it and let things develop (or not) on their own

Morganly · 06/12/2015 17:31

I agree it's too early to ask about where it's going. However, I'm not sure I'd be wanting to have sex a second time with someone who "isn't forthcoming with compliments". I think I'd rein in those developing feelings of yours until I had a bit more idea of whether you're a convenient shag or someone he actually likes at all.

FinallyHere · 06/12/2015 17:39

Umm, sorry if I'm misunderstanding this, but to me, it reads as if you can sleep with him , but not really talk to him. What do you know about his point if view ? What is he looking for in life? Is he happy with a casual relationship, or looking for something more meaningful. If he isn't currently sleeping with anyone else, would he if he got the chance?

These are thing things i would like to find out about anyone with whom i partnered slept with ideally before i first DTD. Not to 'interview' them for the role of being my partner, but to know what sort of person he was. I would not necessarily ask them these questions directly, but i would want to talk (sometimes, not always) about things so that their position would be revealed. Once I had some idea, I'd probably tell them a bit about how i felt about something and then ask them their views.

I'd , you know, get to know them a bit.

This only occurred to me, after a few disastrous relationships, when i picked up a book called something like 'how to marry the man of your dreams', which suggested listening to what the person said quite closely and finding questions to ask which would make them open up a bit. A revelation to me, who tends to fill any gap in the conversation with chatter.

Hope it goes well for you.

Original poster

violet1300 · 06/12/2015 17:43

thanks. points taken on board. I'll probably back off and give it a rest, I don't think forcing anything at this point is going to get me anywhere.

OP posts:

Trills · 06/12/2015 17:54

If it's important to you that he is not seeing anyone else - ask him.

If he's happy to be exclusive, then you are happy.

If he's not willing to be exclusive - you want to know that.

If it's not important to you - if you are OK with sleeping with him while he may also be sleeping with someone else - then you don't need to ask yet.

Trills · 06/12/2015 17:56

If I liked someone and wanted to have a relationship with them, I'd want to see them more than once a week.

You say you live on opposite sides of a large city - the benefit of large cities is that it's usually pretty easy to get to the middle of them, and the middle part usually has lots of places where you could meet.

Handywoman · 06/12/2015 18:10

You describe the relationship as going 'fairly well' why don't you see if it improves? Because I'm not sure I'd be asking about exclusivity if I felt fairly lukewarm/unsure about the relationship myself.

Are making assumptions about 'where you should be' just because of the time frame? Or is it the DTD factor?

Original poster

violet1300 · 06/12/2015 18:18

the DTD factor is a massive red herring. I DTD because I found him attractive and wanted to, i have no qualms about that.

yeah I do want to see him more than once a week, but equally I'm too nervous about coming across as needy to push it. Also we both have fairly busy weekday lives, work long hours, hobbies, etc. but I see the point.

I am not making assumptions about where we should be, I just want to know whether it's okay to ask him how he thinks it is going. The general consensus seems to be that asking at this stage is a bit needy, which is what I suspected anyway. So I won't.

But i might ask him outright if he is dating anyone else if/when I see him again.

OP posts:

Pandora97 · 06/12/2015 18:18

I think asking if you're exclusive is okay. Sounds like you are if he's said he's not sleeping with anyone else. Maybe he's just a very blunt, straight to the point kind of person and thought "no" didn't need any more of an explanation. Just from what you've said, I get the impression he's not going to be one to suddenly announce undying love or want long chats about feelings. So I'd judge him by his actions for now. Why not suggest meeting up during the week and see how he reacts to that? If he keeps making excuses, then I think you'll have your answer.

marzipanmaggie · 06/12/2015 20:26

Agree with everyone else. I think fine and probably sensible to ask if you're exclusive. I think asking "where its going" after five weeks would probably scare the beejesus out of him and to be honest I wouldn't really blame him.

If you get a vibe that he's very unforthcoming with you that's more of an issue though -- in a way its irrelevant where he sees you going, you clearly are a little uncomfortable with his apparent emotional retardation. I'd keep an eye on this for a bit and see where the thing develops as opposed to rushing into trying to open him up, but if your gut tells you he's very closed you should probably listen to it....

Cabrinha · 07/12/2015 06:01

I have sex quickly, and also in situations where I'm unsure where I see it going - or even sure, that it's going nowhere!

But... I'd never sleep with someone that I didn't feel comfortable enough to have an exclusivity conversation with.

There's a difference between a full on "where is this going" conversation and a "I'm not looking to casually date, I only want to be in an exclusive relationship" conversation.

5 dates is not enough to know if you want to be Together Forever, but ion it is plenty enough to know if you already know that's not going to happen.

Flip