My obsession with this guy is destroying me :(

[Ineedtogetoverthisguy]

Hi Mumsnet,

I really could do with some advice, I am absolutely obsessed with a guy I was only dating for about 3 months, it was quite intense and I was the one who broke it up because of completely different political views and he said he loves his ex and will always love her but wanted to get over her with me. This break up was about 7 months ago and at first I was happy with my decision as I completely cut him off, deleted him of Facebook and deleted phone number even though he said we should just stay as friends.

But over the months he has kept texting/calling me and I have always responded as he helped me a lot with my career decisions and calling up people in particular companies that I could send my CV directly too. However, now I have become quite obsessed with him :(

I keep checking his last online on what's app and although I've deleted him of Facebook I keep checking it and seeing when he's last uploaded photos and stuff like that. I guess part of me wants to find out whether he will eventually get back with his ex although he said he would never do that. I'm noticing that whenever he uploads photos on Facebook she does too, which must mean they're meeting up as the last time I know that they met up was just before he met me (they went out for dinner and watched a theatre show even though they weren't together anymore and had been broken up for at least 3 years).

His ex broke up with hi but apparently their relationship was quite toxic anyway as she installed a key logger onto his laptop as she was obsessed with the fact he might cheat, she didn't trust him at all. But despite this they are still "friends" and I guess still meet up with each other.

What keeps me attached to him is that whenever we talk he is always saying we should meet up and I always respond yeah but you need to let me know when you're free, but because he works offshore the time is never right. Although when he was home for 2 weeks I asked home whether he was free 2 times but said he was incredibly busy.

I'm 22 and he's 28 and I keep wondering if the next person he will meet he will get married to. Or whether he is waiting for his ex to finally take him back.

This is a completely silly situation I know, but I think it is made worse because I have no friends, no hobbies, and I have just moved to a completely new city for a graduate job and trying to completely engross myself in work is just not helping! :( moving onto a new guy would help me but I just don't attract guys frequently and online dating just isn't working for me.

You need to cut him off, completely. You know this. Can you make a plan to block him from all contact methods, list all of them out and tick off when done? then start to look at how you can build your social circles, meetup.com is a good place to start if you don't get on with OLD.

Thanks for the reply pocketsaviour, I do need to cut him off completely but I feel so guilty when I think about doing considering how much he's helped me, but I guess I need to put myself first here, I've had a look at meetup.com and have my eye on a few walks that are happening soon and hopefully will be joining a sports team, so fingers crossed that helps me.

The thing is, exes take time to become friends. As first, they are simply not friends because we feel differently about them. That's the stage you're at.

In time, you won't care whether he dates his ex or who he marries. At that point, pick the friendship back up and carry in taking advantage of who he is within that friendship, and he will do the same to you I'm sure.

But for now, draw a big thick line between you and he and honour it. Let time pass.

And also......what about your wider life? At first it may feel a bit empty to think about your life if it is a bit empty, but you need to join a few clubs or gangs and start getting out and about onto a few scenes that interest you. Therein will be your life, what you do and with whom you do it, and men will come out of this, and you'll have this old friend back in time too.

You are young. Dream and carve your life out. X

The fact that his ex installed a key logger on his laptop suggests he's a player!

The fact that he texts/calls you probably means he wants to keep you hanging on in case things don't work out with his ex.

If you know what's good for you you'll delete him for good.

So what that he helped you with your CV and career decisions? You owe him nothing. Be strong. Delete!

The only way is to cut all contact completely. If you start to feel guilty about him helping you with work, just remember that he had every intention of using you to get over his ex!

This man is not your friend. He has ignored your attempts to cut contact by continuing to message you with career suggestions. There is nothing he's done for your career that you couldn't have done for yourself using Google. He's got political views you obviously feel are incompatible with any kind of relationship. He's keeping you dangling by offering you friendship (which isn't actually on offer as he's not wanting to spend any time with you). This man is offering you nothing substantial except a massive headfuck. Trust those instincts that made you delete the first time around.

This is a completely silly situation I know, but I think it is made worse because I have no friends, no hobbies, and I have just moved to a completely new city for a graduate job and trying to completely engross myself in work is just not helping

This is the reason for the obsession, it's nothing to do with the man.

Take it slowly making a friend at a time, starting some hobbies, joining groups and focus on building your life in this new city.

Just because he helped you with your CV doesn't mean you owe him anything, when you've offered to meet up he said he was busy, so he's obviously not bothered.

Studies have shown that people with a lot of time on their hands (typically students but also unemployed, non-working women with children at school with free time during the day etc) are more prone to obsession.

This is because they have mental free-time to dwell and obsess and this kind of thing feeds upon itself. the more you think about someone the more it becomes deeply rooted and a habit.

Get busy is good advice.