A lie, or just me being oversensitive?

[whostheJohnsonnow]

Because I'm not really sure...

I'm working a sleep in shift at work tonight. Messaging my bf throughout the evening. Nothing exciting, just your standard stuff. Suddenly a message comes through that clearly wasn't in my bf style. I was really confused, and asked what was going on?

Bf then admitted that he'd gone out drinking with an ex work colleague. He said he hadn't wanted to tell me as he thought I might be upset. Mainly due to him being between jobs and not having much money right now. He also said he didn't want to "upset me" when I'm at work all night. His friend had stolen his phone off him and sent the weird message...allegedly anyway!

Now I feel really off about it. I should add that I am always encouraging him to spend time with friends and go out more. I'm definitely not the controlling type. Is it bizarre behaviour, or should I just take it for what it is? Although I'm not sure what that actually is right now...

That's exactly what I am wondering.

He claims he was going to tell me afterwards. He would say that though wouldn't he?

He also says he never bought a drink all night, but he must have been quite drunk to leave his phone unattended?

Which makes me wonder...was his work colleague buying all his drinks? What was his motivation if so?

He seems to be weaving himself a bit of a tangled web. Maybe his intentions are OK - that he is anxious to seem as if he's being upfront and not wanting to upset you in any way - but it sounds as if he's getting more immersed in his white lies now. Going out for drinks and not buying any ..... ?

The trouble with people like this (and I have known a couple) is that even when they are telling the truth, you start to wonder if there's more to the story.

He said that he barely had a drink all night and that he partly went out because ex colleague was going to offer him "work advice"

It's bringing up a lot of stuff for me. I feel like I want to step back from the relationship for the time being...

Weird. Again, not "white" lies. Whether or not he was actually spending money and drinking ( zip leave my phone lying around a lot, when sober!) he's putting you in the position of his parent/drinking/spending monitor!

Not sexy, even without the lying.

Have you told him you dislike dishonesty and ( if true) that it's a deal-breaker for you if he continued to lie?

Just spoken to him again.

He says his friend took his phone and typed the message while he was standing there. I just can't believe that he would let someone take his phone and scroll through it long enough to type a message? It just seems really, really weird.

Apparently the friend also bought all his drinks for him. Which makes me feel even more uncomfortable!

Here's what I strongly suspect happened.

I think my bf was discussing the fact he doesn't like my work college with his friend. Why that would happen I don't know. He can have a jealous streak though, and I have said before that my work colleague is a really cool guy.

I then think that either he typed that text and sent it after his friend egged him on, or that his friend took the phone off him and sent it (or possibly typed it)

My clue is in the fact that he said he "didn't know he was going to send anything" Which would indicate that he knew the friend was rootling around his messages?

Sorry to keep banging on about it, but it's driving me mad. Obviously he's not going to tell the truth ( although he insists he has) so I'm left to draw my own conclusions.

don't get into knots about it: he lied once and is now lying more about the text thing.

A "jealous streak"?

Dishonest and jealous. Is that what you want in a partner?

It doesn't sit right with me either. If it was an innocent work drink and you're not controlling, why would you be upset and why on earth would he hide it then tell you about it after. The message doesn't really make any sense but I don't think it's much of an issue. I don't want to freak you out but I would be suspicious.

Just read your updates OP and you're definitely not being over-sensitive so don't let him think that you are. I have been with someone who tells 'white lies' and I used to feel like I was going crazy analysing all the little things that happened. If you continue to go on about it, he will make you feel like you are majorly overreacting and if you let it go it keeps happening. He wouldn't have lied unless it wasn't 'innocent' in his mind or you have a history of being controlling/jealous - fact.

No it isn't what I want in a partner. He's very quietly jealous though if that makes sense? He never really voices it aloud or makes it into an issue.

He said last night that he didn't tell me that he was out be because I was at work and he "didn't want to rub it in"

I KNOW he's lying about how the text thing came about. I even asked him to just be honest and he continued to stick to his (unlikely) story.

I've said I don't want to see him for a while. Really just need a bit of space from it all. I have a stressful enough life as it is without all this bullshit.

Just clarifying - I wasn't calling the situation in the OP a white lie. I was asking whether the DP lies about other 'small' things that then make OP feel unable to trust him in general.

One question though - Why does it make you feel uncomfortable because the friend bought his drinks? You seem to get very worried about quite small things, it must be hard having such little trust in him. I agree that you might want to have a bit of space to decide whether you really want to continue the relationship when it makes you feel like this.